Too Little

A PM in one country visited a kindergarten and asked them

“How much is the budget for each child’s food consumption per month?”

They told him: “$ 400.”

He said: “That is a lot .. “

And so they reduced it to $ 300.

Then he visited the prisons and asked them: “How much is the prisoner’s food budget per month?”

They told him: “$ 400 sir.”

He said:

“That is too little!.. Increase it to $ 1000!”

A minister accompanying him was appalled by the PMs strange decision so he asked him:

“Honourable PM, I am curious. Why reduce the budget for food for the kindergarten children but increases the allowance for the prisoners?”

The PM replied: “Do you really think that after leaving the Government service , people like us would end up in the kindergarten ?”

(Author Unknown)

I’ll Do The Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in mint conditions

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple,”says the seller, “Whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain”, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they rode the bike there.

Just before they entered the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat, we don’t talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes”.

“No problem”, Joe says.. And in they went.

Joe was shocked. Right in the middle of the living room was a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks!

They sat down for dinner, and sure enough, no one said a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one said a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Nobody said a word.

Fascinated, Joe stood up, grabs her, rips off her clothes, threw her on the table and screws her right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom, horrified! After Joe sat down, no one said a word.

He looks at her mum “She’s got a great body too!” He thought to himself.

So Joe grabs mom, bent her over the table, pulled down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose, right there on the dinner table.

She had a big orgasm, and Joe sat down again.

His girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and mum was beaming from ear to ear. But still, total silence.

All of a sudden, there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain.

Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.

“I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes…..!!”

(Author Unknown)

Couple Fight

Fight between husband and wife (both with MA in English literature). Instead of resorting to shouting, abusing or physical force… they write poems to each other.

*WIFE*

I wrote your name on sand it got washed

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away

Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got a Heart Attack.

*HUSBAND*

God saw me hungry, he created pizza

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi

He saw me in the dark, he created light

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

*WIFE*

Twinkle twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far

*HUSBAND*

The rain makes all things beautiful

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn’t it rain on you?

*WIFE*

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.

*Husband*

Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in cage but laughing at you!!

(Author Unknown)

China Dolls ni

“Out of curiosity, I registered with a dating site, earning myself 20 requests daily. From China doll swindlers trying to do a quick kill, and elderly women expecting to hook up some single handsome rich men. Lol… lol… they are all snapped up long ago dear! Don’t expect handsome men to be monks for life ya?

As the register of marriages gets filled up, the probability of dating single handsome rich men dwindles by the day. Even for those who are not handsome, nor rich.

The reasons why singles remain singles at a mature age are many. Just as many as why leftovers remain leftovers. I am not saying there are no longer decent older men around up for grabs. But for those who remain single, many have fallen in, others have fallen out. To some, it is a choice they hold on to for life. And they won’t let go of that choice. Some value freedom, others, because they do not have freedom owing to family or financial obligations. But for the many who remained single, it is because they suffer from a lifetime of communication difficulties, emotional disconnection, apart from physical and mental anomalies.

If you are older, but still wanted to attract single handsome men, looks like you have to settle for those that were once married. So watch what you write and wish for on your dating profile. If you had never been short of request to chat, if you are older, chances are these men are all married.

Otherwise you will need to continuously spruce up your image, to compete with those China dolls when it comes to looks. Which most men are attracted to. I won’t lie to you. They are your benchmark. Many pretty married women got dumped and cheated by their straying husbands in search of China dolls, no matter how well they take care of themselves.

Sprucing up your looks may win you attention, but that will also earn you countless heartbreaks too. If men are attracted to you physically, you can bet they’ll say anything, including lying about their marriage, just to bed you. For those who are honest and good, are not many. There are, but not many.

The internet has opened up the Pandora’s box that made stray dogs out of men. But men being men, were all born strays. They are all born hunters since primitive ages. Since young, men were designed to make life uncomfortable and silly for everyone. And that’s the truth.

Conclusion- I deregister myself from the dating app for good. Because I have a weakness. I am sapiosexual. I can’t feed on just looks alone. That alone makes me yawn.”

This is Not your Father’s House!

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,

sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”

The Man says: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “$1,000.”

A few weeks later it happened again ,

and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have soccer boots.”

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”

The Boy says :”$5,000.”

The Man says: “Fine, I will buy them.”

A few days later, the Father says to the boy:

“Grab your ball and boots,

let’s go outside and have a game.”

The Boy says: “I can’t, I sold them for $ 6,000.”

The Father says: “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost.

I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your “SINS.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: “Dark in here.”

The Priest says: “Don’t start that shit again!”

THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER’S HOUSE !

(Author Unknown)

Lenin

A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, “What is this?”

The man replied, “What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero.”

The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, “What is this?”

He replied, “What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, ‘Who is this?’ This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day.”

The Israeli customs officer said, “I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go”

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asked, “Who is this?”

He replied, “My dear friend, ‘Who is this’ is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?

This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax.”

MORAL Of The Story :-

You can tell the same shit in different ways to fool a different audience, and no one knows your real intention when they are caught up with your story.

(Author Unknown)

Kuih Bangkit

‘Kuih Bangkit’ my personal favourite Chinese New Year cookie, enjoys the same popularity with the Malay communities during Hari Raya, and particularly those from Riau in Indonesia, and the Baba Nyonya communities of Malacca, Penang and Singapore. Bangkit which means “rise” in Bahasa, traditionally has a little red dot tipped on the body (which turns pink when mixed with the flour), on each piece of the Nyonya version. And these pieces were usually of animal form — Goldfishes, Chickens, etc. casted from wooden moulds then baked.

This peculiarity of consecrating objects with red dots, is ceremonial, and has its belief rooted in Taoism. For it was believed that these red dots would bring man-made objects to life, hence it is with the annual initiation of the Lion and Dragon Dance by their troupes, and the paper effigies burnt for the deceased during funerals. Taoist mediums also dispenses yellow paper blessings written with red ink, or blood splatterings from their tongues, when in trance-like state. Believers would then burnt them, throw them into a glass of water, and drink from it, as divine panacea.

This shared delicacy probably has its roots all over the archipelago, the result of harmonious communal living, and the intermarriages between the two races, the Chinese with the Malay in the Straits, from whence resulted the Baba and Nyonya community.

Tarnished Badge

“Lawlessness amongst enforcers are what keeps the rakyat away from patronising the public domain. Hence restaurants and eateries are on the doldrums. If not for the takeaways, fattening the wallets of food delivery companies, they would all have collapsed under the weight of these enforcers’ rampant issuing of summonses, subject to their whims.

One may never know when one’s luck could run out if we chanced upon them in roadblocks. Such as the most recent case which made headlines?

Everyone knows that driving without a license is an offence, but no one knows we can get away with it if we happened not to be wearing a bra. That is, if we can let our privacy go unchecked by allowing the officers a peek at your boobs. And the only corporal punishment meted to the accused since then was a transfer to administrative duties? Tak malukah pdrm? Semoga kami semua terhibur?

God knows how many of these enforcers has been guilty of picking up gullible women, demanding contact numbers on the pretext of issuing summonses, in exchange for sexual favours because of their incontrollable libido. And God knows how many that were remanded overnight in lockup’s, got their basic share of sexual harassment in exchange for freedom. Are these poor moral conducts excusable according to their operational standards when all of them were supposedly trained to uphold the law?

I think it is high time the SOPs are polished with CCTVs taking prominence when sparring with the public ‘on all occasions’ to regain back public confidence, rather than hiding behind the already tarnished badge. More than ever.”

Drop In Figures

“Even your marder can’t predict when you’re gonna fall sick or the ckt apek knows how many plates he’s going to sell today much similar to our composite index. So why are the daily Covid figures so amazingly consistent?

That tonight your tv announcer has to say “this week we’re going to see a drop in figures.”

Huh? Apa? She can predict?

I know today’s drop is due to cny holidays but why are the rest hovering at 3k cases daily with minimal fluctuation? Main guli, not enough test kits or that’s your handling capacity dear health minister? If that’s your handling capacity nationwide, how can your immunisation minister claim that we can handle 165k vaccinations per day?

Let me tell you how we can get 3k cases averagely per day. You take 150 from Penang and gave it to Sarawak, then take 55 from Sarawak and hand it to Kedah. And everyday, the same number of guli goes round and round like as if you only have 3k marbles inside your dompet to play with. Best part is, districts situated right in the middle of the jungles too have cases. How? Carried by pigeons? Especially those remote hard to reach interiors of Sarawak and Sabah that’s how they have so many cases? But the number of imported cases is minimal if you consider the spread is due to illegal immigrants!

What I meant was, your degree of fluctuation is a suspect, and if you want to lie, lie convincingly. Otherwise shut up.

The worst part of your whole exercise is leaving pockets of danger everywhere when your vaccination is ‘not compulsory’ unlike other countries. Which means you only order enough but bill the government for the entire population so you can masuk. By leaving pockets of unvaccinated people everywhere, total safety will not be imminent. Think lah! What happens when I am vaccinated but all my neighbours did not.

Is that how you guys tackle the Covid situation nationwide? Susahlah ini macam!

– Kris Lee 2021.

Three Balls

There was this man who had three balls. He kept it to himself for a long time, has no girlfriend because of his anxiety till one day he felt he needed to share his secret out to find relieve. And so he approached his good friend and said ” Look here, there’s something I really need to share with you. Between you and me, we have five balls. The friend looked at him surprised then say “You mean you only have one???”

Thrive On Peanuts

“Today is when other sectors of our economy is allowed to open up, two days before the much anticipated Lunar New Year, and today is also the day when most Chinese shops already wraps up their businesses, in this case has never opened since MCO. I am in awe over Wee’s brilliance which seems to outshine his cohort Sabri, who relied on him for accuracy, which goes to prove that he was never a Chinese to begin with nor is he in touch with the ground, which was expected, considering monkeys live on trees and thrive only on peanuts.”

Greatest Athlete of All Time

“The greatest athlete of all time is aptly Nicole David, and she won. By a convincing margin. Just because you don’t like that sport doesn’t mean she’s not qualified. In her sports, she excel. Like no other. A record nine years plus without a single defeat as world champion. Not jaguh kampong. It’s world. Even when I’m not much a squash fan. Our country did not aid her in publicity nor funds. Not even Lin Dan or Maradona or Beckham ever reaches that far in their record number of wins. If you want it to be truly open as a one person one vote thing throughout the world, popular consensus would have seen China athletes or India sweeping the medal based on population size. And we pick based on results. Not a panel of biased judges who picks the qualifiers based on looks or their attachment to a certain sport nor how much publicity western programmes has decided on who to spotlight in their sports column daily. Only our harimau Malaya arseholes would have given their votes to Liverpool. Talking about loyalty and patriotism.”

Idealists

Whilst idealists can keep on growling, living with the virus seems to be a more viable option. It’s been done in Japan. Say I am negative but I can’t see light until another one half years time when the whole world is vaccinated. Till then, no one can guarantee that the newer strains can be suppressed by this current vaccine. Brace for harder times and newer SOPs. Courtesy of the superpowers.

Jokers

The numbers are so predictable, the entrance and exit doors of hospitals and car parks would be jam packed. Are they? No. A commoners experience with the attitude of staff nurses in kl hospital or pg hospital would tell you they can hardly handle 100 cases a day, and tell the latecomers to report the next day, with most patients or suspects having to sit there for five hours waiting for the mo, not even a full fledged qualified doctor to attend to you, while the tension builds up to one of anger. Not a day goes by without patients or guardians arguing due to their slow operational tidak apa attitude. 5728? You must be kidding me. Show us the breakdown of all the patients with their addresses and particulars and I’ll show you an irresponsible government who would at the end of the day, try to convince us the relevance of the vaccine, and that they succeeded in controlling it. Just to win popular votes. It is so predictable. No wonder everyone is laughing. Why? Because Malaysians are all kiasu and kiasi. No one will risk it. Look at secluded orchards like telok bahang and balik pulau, everyday there are cases. Have you experienced road blocks? None. Even the police knew they were fluke. Ini macam kah how you put us citizens and the economy in dire straits?

Jokers!

Nothing Better to Do

Don’t listen to him talk cock. Even yesterday’s Covid figures. From the way the staff nurses operate in the general hospitals, shaking their lazy bums right and left , each hospital can’t get way pass 100 cases or tests given 24hrs. 5,049? Show me the videos they are running in full capacity because for the virus to manifest it takes weeks which means the icu bed figures does not tally with the statistics. Only 300 icu beds give and take were taken up. Don’t talk about nationwide. Just talk about kl hospital or the Penang one.

And if the figures are that high, why then did they announce the opening of night markets yesterday? Got nothing better to do?

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the kid reaches eighteen.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he asked her to simply mail him a postcard with the words ‘spaghetti’ written on the back.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey”, she said. “Today you received a very strange postcard.”

‘Oh really? Let me see!’ he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as the husband read what is written as he turned white, then fainted. On the postcard was written the words ‘Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’

(Author Unknown)

Don’t Blame the People

Don’t blame the people. It’s not that people are not alarmed. It’s because they don’t trust you. Looking at the way you go about forming the back door government, your malfeasance gave you away. Your ministers caught Covid through call girls must be. That’s why we rely on the internet for more accurately information just when you, the government dispenses inaccurate statistics and makes double standard rules. These things you do in exchange for pocket money and popular votes. Look closely at yourself in the mirror. What did you do to individuals selling blessed water that is supposed to protect those who drink it from contacting Covid? What did you do to bikers still gathering in the open? Is the construction industry an essential? Are buffets essential each time the government servants attend seminars and talks? Other countries has gone ahead with vaccines. While you are still trying to pinpoint others when the fault is all yours. Does the rakyat have the right to relax interstate travelling or allowing foreigners to come in still? Are your enforcements still out there taking bribes rather than issuing fines and make arrrest? Can you remember how COVID started here? Did you make firm arrests and contact tracing straightaway? Were there rules to ensure factories comply with foreign workers lodging conditions?

If you can’t give up your dirty habits in a new world order, then I am sure you can handle a tongue sharper than mine.

And btw, don’t you think one mask is sufficient in between two people? In between waiters, service personnel’s and customers?

Temporal Laws

Temporal laws begets Uncertain directions begets decisions like this. Can a businessman makes firm decisions whether to go online temporarily or permanently and for how long, which affects rental decisions, office equipment or even kitchen installation, when our government changes its stance bi monthly? The every two weeks thing has stretched to more than a year already and yesterday they hold firm to the decision of allowing foreigner arrivals when they are banning yet again interstate travel. We can’t even visit our parents but foreigners can go f around? As far as I am concern, this gang of pricks can go to Hell.

Don’t fictionalise it

“Sometimes, after one receives a tip-off that ‘satay’ or ‘Snar Tay’ meaning ‘thee pieces’ in Hokkien , you do not need to fictionalise it with Zhenghe to give it weight. It can stand on its own. And it stretches way back before Zhenghe because Bukit Cina was there long before ‘Paramscura’ or who we commonly addressed him as Parameswara gave Malacca a name.

Yes, many says that Satay is from Indonesia but so are ‘bak mee’ and ‘bak pniar’ which in Hokkien means Pork Mee or Pork biscuit respectively. Also the word ‘hantu’ in Malay used to describe ‘ghost’ which in Hokkien really means ‘seldom meet’. Which is true. One ‘seldom meets’ a ghost. Tell me what does satay as a word or hantu means in bahasa melayu or Indonesia?

As a Hokkien, when we use the word ‘Bak’ by itself, we are referring to pork. Unles we call it ‘kay bak’ which means chicken meat or ‘Gu bak’ which means beef. And satay of that era also has skewers of pork intestines grilled the same way and dipped into the same sauce. I tasted that in the 60s at the coffee shops next to Cathay Cinema Penang.

Let’s just call a spade a spade. Don’t fictionalise it to make yourself feel good about it“

– Kris Lee 2021

Satay from Malacca was created on the spot by the ship cook of Admiral Zheng He.

The satay legend is like this.

When Admiral Zheng He paid a visit to the Port City of Malacca, the Sultan invited the Admiral to his Palace for dinner.

During the dinner, one of the topics discussed was food and the Sultan mentioned that he would like to sample some of the dishes cooked by the Admiral’s chefs.

It so happened that a ship chef was in the Admiral’s entourage and the Admiral asked him to cook up a dish as quickly as possible.

As the chef was unprepared at that time, he didn’t have any cooking utensils with him. He went into the Palace kitchen and saw what he needed.

He cut up some chicken and beef into cubes, marinated them and skewered 3 pieces of meat to each bamboo stick and cooked them over the open fire.

After it was done, the chef presented the dish to the Sultan & the Admiral. Both of them loved the dish so much that they insisted the chef prepare more skewered meats. After consuming them, the Sultan asked what was the name of the dish.

The chef when asked by the Admiral was dumbstruck as he had just concocted this dish. As he spoke only Hokkien and he skewered 3 pieces of meat to each stick, he just said “Sar Tey” meaning 3 pieces in Hokkien. That was how Satay came about.

Extended MCO

1) Why are Friday prayers allowed when other places of worship were asked to close?

2) Why are foreigners still allowed into the country when the rakyat is not even allowed to travel interstate? And at one time, disallowed even from one mukim to the next?

3) Why aren’t you more specific what is essential instead of generalising them into sectors? Except for beauty and clothing industry, your announcements which includes medical, transport, food, manufacturing, construction and essential services industry would have let loose 90% of the rakyat to be on the streets daily.

By this, I am saying that if we were to give the health authority the benefit of the doubt that the figures weren’t tampered with, then it has 100% to do with your foolishness. I mean it is no longer ironical if cases continues to rise. Because the general reaction is that if cases spike in certain areas or states, or when certain places has confirmed cases, the rakyat would generally stay away.

Let me be clearer. No one wishes the mco to be extended except maybe you.

The First Time

An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time.

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender.

The guy on the left side ordered “Jack Daniels, Single.”

The guy on the right ordered “Johnnie Walker, Single.”

The bartender looked at the Indian lady and asked,

“And you?”

She replied, “Meenachi Shokalingam, Married.”

(Author Unknown)

Flagpole height

Two engineers employed by PAS was standing below a flagpole, looking up.*

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We are supposed to find out the height of the flagpole”, said one of them.

“But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.

She loosened a few bolts, the pole fell down.

She then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, “It’s eighteen feet, six inches”.

She then walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed.

Quietly he said to the first engineer.

He said, “We needed the height, but she gave us the length!”

They both laughed.

(By the way, both engineers are still working for the Kelantan Government.)

(Author Unknown)