The First Time

An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time.

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender.

The guy on the left side ordered “Jack Daniels, Single.”

The guy on the right ordered “Johnnie Walker, Single.”

The bartender looked at the Indian lady and asked,

“And you?”

She replied, “Meenachi Shokalingam, Married.”

(Author Unknown)

Flagpole height

Two engineers employed by PAS was standing below a flagpole, looking up.*

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We are supposed to find out the height of the flagpole”, said one of them.

“But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.

She loosened a few bolts, the pole fell down.

She then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, “It’s eighteen feet, six inches”.

She then walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed.

Quietly he said to the first engineer.

He said, “We needed the height, but she gave us the length!”

They both laughed.

(By the way, both engineers are still working for the Kelantan Government.)

(Author Unknown)

One for the Money, Two for the Show.

Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

(Author Unknown)

PDRM

“PDRM is just doing their duty and acting on complaints. I support them if they kick more of these youngsters off their motorbikes in Tj Tokong, Penang, zooming in and out of Tesco and the opposite school, as if it’s their grandfather’s road. No helmets, underage, speeding, not wearing masks, probably no license even and hopping onto motorcycles which are probably not even registered under their name. Already six offences. Should we sympathise them?

In fact I often wonder why there’s no action taken against these youngsters. But when there is, people are complaining about police brutality. Police brutality has been exploited to gain political mileage by many politicians to gain brownie points and to garner votes but In this case, to me, the police is never more right.”

Lost your sense of Smell

Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”

I replied: “He can smell she is ready. That’s how nature works.”

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: “How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?”

I replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”

We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: “This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready?”

I said: “Oh, yes; it’s nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.”

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: “Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19.”

Surprised, “Why do you say that?” I asked her.

She replied: “You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”

(Author Unknown)

Numbers to subside?

“We dissolved Parliament but allow kindergartens to open. We disallow more than two people inside a private passenger car but we allow our public transport to run on full capacity. We were all asked to stay at home but allowed people to exercise in public places provided they observe social distancing. And we expect the numbers to subside? Wahai Malaysiaku!”

Power

“Power does strange things to many people.

In Malaysia, there are three distinct tiers of power we are subjected to and exposed to daily. The hereditary type, the political kind and the conferred sort.

The first is by way of lineage, your blood line, and sits right at the top of Mount Mahameru. Above law even. This is a non-negotiable birth right that entitles you to be the overlord of your state or country depending on the written rules in your constitution lest you abdicate.

The second, is by offering your unequivocal service to your country and by virtue of your status and portfolio, it lends you limited powers to steer the country and decide what is good for the people. You and all your cohorts are part policy maker, part administrator, part maintenance manager, part salesmen and part approving body. And because there are many tiers and divisions, each regulating a certain function, the machinery has churned out countless little napoleons capable of turning hopes into nightmares, not unless you can close one eye to bigotry, or wait till thy kingdom come for your application, whatever it is, to be processed.

Situations such as these could only be overturned by ‘Orang Besars’, powerful aristocrats endorsed by government or king which gave rise to the demand for conferments and awards, given yearly by the Agung, Sultans and government of the day to the deserving who has contributed significantly to the smooth running and dignity of our country be it by way or service, cash or kind.

Currently the most sought after award are the Tan Sri or Datukship for civilians which is equivalent to ‘Lordship or Sir’ in the British context. These awards exudes a certain halo over your head, an aura as you float and walk and alludes one a certain edge, respect and leverage over others. Thus, the egocentric rich seeks this as a form of power and the eccentric wannabes try to earn them, because it paves the way for more opportunities.

But titles such as these had been seen to have landed onto the lap of many questionable if not dubious characters. Recently a Datuk went to beat up a security guard and upon investigation, were found to be a gang leader. So how did he earn an award? The same way he beat up the guard? Many of them do not possess the disposition to carry well the titles given and in the end, brought shame, unnecessary attention and publicity worldwide to our doorstep, no thanks to their unscrupulous conduct and behaviour.

This begs the question. Who proposes and seconds their applications, and how are they linked to the recipient? And how does the approving body regulate and function? Does their induction classes include moral studies jammed down the throat of every school going children nowadays?

The latest case involves yet another Datuk who slaps two kids in a hot pot restaurant. And the two kids so happened to be the son of an influential Datuk and the daughter of a prominent Tan Sri. And the whole incident was captured on video by a Puan Sri. Such drama leaves a distaste in our mouths one wonders how many Tan Sris and Datuks are we hitting, if one throws a stone at the crowd? Why are there so many around? And should a review panel be formed if not a kpi to ensure they do not slack in their conduct? And if this is going to be the case, then should the police be more stringent when they apply for gun licences? I think that is not too much to ask for.”

Why was the Emergency lengthened?

“The MCO is for 2 weeks. Why was the Emergency then lengthened till August? And what will it be like for spm and stpm students caught in between when the funds allocated for schools is much lower than the religious bodies? Elsewhere, even in neighbouring countries, online home programs have been developed and expanded to take centre stage permanently. What’s our plan for uni intake etc? We’ll see as we go along? The same way it takes every two weeks to decide on fuel prices and lockdown status? This indefinite indecisive delayed action of yours is taking a toil on every trader out in the open. The worse part is when you claim the Emergency was for the prevention of Covid-19 spread but on national tv, you said it is to arrest the current political and economic instability. Just exactly what is the kind of political instability are we facing, and how do you arrest economic difficulty by imposing an MCO which retards trade? Someone finds you incapable or a coup d’etat is imminent soon? If you would have been more careful in your mathematics, you wouldn’t have faced unequivocal support because you are a minority government seeking mandate by a majority opposition!

No one feels there’s a threat except you!

I think there’s a lot of paranoia rooted in your pedantic actions that warrants a serious rewrite of our laws to cope with election laws and your insecurity, so why force yourself to form a back door government when you know very well every right citizens democratic votes have been taken off them?

Economic Powered World

“If this world can agree on a Father’s Day, a Mother’s Day, a New Years Eve celebration, and an Earth Hour, why can’t we altogether agree on a 30 days Lockdown month? It’s a one time thing! The objective is clear. Just set the date United Nations! The world comes to a collective economic halt for a month except for essential goods and services, government compensates to sustain every citizen, moratorium sidelined. Do we really want to arrest COVID-19 with untested vaccine? So that corrupt government of the day can benefit, the pharmaceuticals and medical industries benefit and let the strain live? The problem is the virus multiplies and spread faster than recovery!

Oh I know now why we can’t. It’s an economic powered world.”

Funds

“In Malaysia, professional views in art doesn’t matter. The untrained collector who invested heavily into works that doesn’t measure up to professional standards of artistic ability, aesthetic value and judgement based on narratives is going to bury you with their experience, and prove you wrong, no matter how you justify your pick, with their lukewarm enthusiasm. That’s because they have something you need but lack. Funds. Funds to tweak opinions, funds to ensure sustainability, funds to decide marketability. Funds matter. You don’t. Unless you parrot them.”

Side Emergency Door Government

A side emergency door gaffmen. No longer a back door gaffmen. Not since May 13, 1969, where the executive powers is transferred to the National Operations Council with absolute powers, since Parliament is declared suspended. That simply means they can conveniently enact any law they want, and arrest anyone they want, bypassing Parliament using COVID-19 as scapegoat. Currently three senior ministers has tested positive, which means, they would have been in contact with other parliamentarians, what more their sumptuous buffet in between. For those who opposes the current gaffmen, I think it’s time you run for your life. There could also be a coup d’etat.

Bedridden

It is apparent Umno is trying to wrest control of the country with our current pm allegedly bedridden and the dpm’s position lay hanging in the balance due to the disagreements between tun and muhyiddin. According to age old family agreement, hisamuddin was well underway to take over jib when surface developments went beyond their control. Hisamuddin, quick to read the undercurrent submerges to obscurity only to reappear after rumours of his seemingly red carpet secret meeting with the sultan of Johor surfaces, hinting at his possible climb to assume the top position, muhyiddin who is also from Johore. It is also an indication that Johore umno is selfishly capitalising on this opportunity which may see dsai’s or Tun’s opportunity thwarted under the weight of these unscrupulous frenemies.

Today’s announcement will be a good indicator of the direction this country will take and if muhyiddin is genuinely as per rumours, bedridden.

Switching to Telegram?

“Facebook owns Messenger owns Instagram owns WhatsApp. What makes you so sure they can’t buy up Telegram? Facebook have forewarned us that a merger between the chat stations is imminent long ago and now, is on the way to implement it. And without our approval, it’s against the law to move information about. They are not meant to make us jitter, paranoid or suspicious. My question is, are we that famous, popular or rich to feel threatened in the first place? Please give them a break. Do you know how many personnel’s it takes to manage those gossips of ours worldwide to warrant us to behave like cheap gung-ho who refuses even a usd2 fee to manage our profile but expects it to be free for a lifetime? And capitalise it as our own selling platform when there are other pay sites purpose fit to sell goods?”

End Concession

The end concession reminds us not to rest on our laurels and stop idling when the virus lurks. Yet somewhere in between heaven and hell, lies the stakeholders ill bent to sway the world according to their conventional outlook and perception of the way things are. Where we are in our country right now, is the end result of the religious meet, sivagangga, the Sabah elections, the recent interstate travel allowed during the year end holidays. Somewhere in between are those who can’t conform to simple rules nor confine themselves to their wives hence it is termed EMCO. Extra Marital Control Order maybe? Arresting the problem is not within the ambit of the public in question, but our regulators. But they are all so afraid of the religious orders, the electoral commission, the immigration etc, all because of the name tags stuck on lapels of their superiors. Next are the attitude of our indefinite gaffmen who has the tendency to establish rules designed to only benefit their pockets. If they are short handed, they could perhaps encourage neighbourhood watch. But they didn’t. Why? The wishy washy rules without efficient enforcement also leads us round and round the Merry go round. With no end in sight.”

Vacation versus Staycation

“When the numbers increase, you need to get down to the root cause, and nipped it in the bud. Invoking a lockdown is an easy way out. It’s akin to opening and closing doors to prevent the bull from storming in. It’s like installing your apartment windows with grilles so that your toddler wouldn’t fall, rather than educating the younger about the dangers of leaning over parapets. If the rakyat has to succumb to your intolerable miscalculation of two weeks vacation, followed by three months of staycation, maybe it’s time everyone takes care of themselves as retailers and eateries were all brought to their knees. Altogether they should close for good since moratoriums are but a feel good concession designed to benefit heartless landlords. All because it’s your fault dear government”.

Accountability

“Our gaffmen is no pushover. Fact is they push accountability back to the rakyat instead of underwriting damage liability for the after effects of the inoculation of Covid vaccine in case of wrong choosing. Damage liability is no stranger to insurance terms and many doctors buys them responsibly. So why not the gaffmen be held accountable for choosing the wrong vaccine when the price we pay is ten times higher that of other countries offering the vaccine to their citizens for free, and their very job is about the welfare and safety of us citizens under threat? The vaccine is not compulsory and those who wanted to be inoculated has to sign disclaimers? Wtf is that supposed to mean? This is akin to tai chi and the art of deflection. It reminds us of the times when the fitness of a building became the responsibility of the architect instead of the building department that approves the plan, a move relatively unheard of in international construction practices otherwise what is the purpose of paying planning submission and approval fees without the benefits of a regulated gaffmen that possesses the expertise to cross check professionalism and guarantees the safety of its rakyat but instead cower when buildings collapses and town planning fail? Hence the severe flooding happening now in many states as well?

Not in the Car??

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car…

“Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said… “These are your children sir..!”

(In the car were their Landlady’s two daughters, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, his secretary’s son and their neighbours two sons!)

The Wife in full anger said,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children..??”

The man asked her calmly…

“Then why are our children not in the car..??”

(Author unknown)

Arthur

Arthur is 85 years old. 

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.”

 

“Oh, no,” she replied.

 

Once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

 

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: “Why don’t

 

you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

 

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “George is ninety two. He can’t help.”

 

“He may be ninety two,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

 

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball ?”

 

“Of course I did !”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

 

“Where did it go ?” asks Arthur.

 

“Can’t remember.”

(Author Unknown)

5 Year Old Son After reading a Story About a King

Son: “Mom, I also want 3 wives.

One will cook for me, one will sing for me, one will bathe me!”

Mom: “And which one will you sleep with?”

Son: “No mom, I will still sleep beside you.”

<<Mom’s eyes welled up with tears.>>

“God bless you son!” Mom said.

But who will sleep with your 3 wives then?”

Son: “Let them sleep with daddy!”

<<Dad’s eyes then filled up with tears>>

“God bless you son!” Dad said.

(Author Unknown)

Christmas Tree

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father—‘ Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

Surprised father answered–

‘Well son, there are three kinds of boobs.

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.

Son– Onions?

Father— Yes, you see them and they make you cry.

This made his wife and daughter mad.

So the daughter said–Mom, how many kinds of ‘penises’ are there?

The mother smiled and answered– ‘

Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.

Daughter- A Christmas tree?

Mom-‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

(Author Unknown)

Mini Empires

“They finally realise it’s easier to rob our marderland without antagonising each other, having accidentally grab each other’s balls during one of their many spars.

Before, we were all at peace, for when they hated each other, they literally cross check each other out to our benefit.

But now, as they begin blow-jobbing each other to orgasm, we are fed with more cums as they cross each other out inside the ring. These once arch nemesis now turned lovers suddenly realise it’s easier to follow market trend and live a life of immorality instead, both harbouring a mutual hatred of being incestuously screwed left, right and centre by the old man who claims to be their stepfather.

But are we as citizens, going to take these lying down, and wait, as they tie the nuptial knot , promising to loosen the noise around each other’s neck, as we limitlessly ponder about accountability, transparency and whatever fark they claim to preach now gone to the ditch? But can the policemen be at the round table for long sitting with the robbers?

Well, in Malaysia as they say, ‘Money talks, and bullshit walks!’

Integrity and the rakyats welfare can certainly take a back seat to their own mini empires.”

Adult Theme Jokes

To make it straight, she pulls it..

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

It’s hell of a job threading a needle!!!

.

.

4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower

Bleeding without getting hurt

Giving milk without eating grass

Making boneless meat hard.

.

.

What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’

It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

.

.

Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: You fool, it’s uncle. Papa never comes with raincoat!

.

.

A hubby said to his wife, ‘I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..’

The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

.

.

What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, ‘I would rather have 7 inches at1 time.

Not 1 inch 7 times.’

.

.

The vagina is the world’s best rehabilatation/correction center.

Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

.

.

A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattoed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, ‘There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.’

.

.

Lady was trying on a dress.

Husband: ‘Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!’

Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’

Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

.

.

(Author Unknown)

An Ancient Love Poem

(Someone copied this poem and made an atrocious ending to it thus making it very distasteful and offensive when it is meant to be just that, a beautiful lighthearted poem on making love. I encountered it in the 80s when I was a student in Singapore and managed to keep a copy of it which I posted it now. I don’t claim to be the author and I am not plagiarising it. I will give credit when due (please convince me ) because the author’s name was not on my copy, but certainly I am not going to acknowledge the one, a professor in the US shared. His version doesn’t even rhyme well or sound correct if I may be so bold to say)

This is as original as it sounds.

Adam & Eve, as everyone knows

Lived in a garden, without any clothes

And in the garden, there were two little leaves

One covered Adam, the other Eve

.

As the story goes, needless to say

Along came the wind, which blew them away

And the wondering sight, that made Adam stare

Was Eve’s rookie, all covered with hair

.

The night was calm, with a silvery moon

And soon they both found, a place to spoon

And the amazing sight, that met Eve’s eyes

Was Adam’s ‘thing’, as it started to rise

.

Adam thrust, with all his might

For his was big, and hers was small and tight

And forward and backward, he did stride

Till friction made Eve, all juicy inside

.

She jerks and moan, as he teases her darts

Her legs spread wider, as he pistons her tart

Then all of a sudden, Eve gave a loud shrill

As Adam’s ‘thing’, began to spill

.

Adam was so spent, but down Eve went

She sucks him wildly and devour his content

She made him twitch, and pleases him good

As Adam kept spurting, till he ran out of food

.

Three months later, all went well

Six months later, ‘What a swell!’

Nine months later, what a shock!

Out comes a baby, with a nine inch c’ck!

.

.

.

(Author Unknown)

Gynaecologist

Sitting at home with his wife, a man casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

He loses concentration for a split second and one peanut went inside his left ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeded only in forcing the thing in, awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to visit the hospital. On their way out, they meet their daughter with her boyfriend.

The Boyfriend took control of the situation.

He told them he’s studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks his two fingers down the man’s nose and asks him to blow.

Lo & Behold! The nut shot out from his ear and out across the room!

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get a drink , the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.

“So…..” the wife says, “What do you think he’d become after he finishes medicine school? A GP or a surgeon?”

“Well…..” said the man rubbing his nose, “By the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to become a gynaecologist.”

(Author Unknown)

Pedro

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, ‘Pedro! What is that?’

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, ‘Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.’

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

‘Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!’

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, ‘Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.’

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

‘Maria? *Now* what’s wrong???’

‘Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!

(Author Unknown)

What Women Wants

Seven (7) doors to her heart.

Some say five (5).

There had been disputes concerning ways to win a women to your side.

Here’s mine.

Attention

Attention is being aware of others, besides ourselves, and being the focus of someone’s loving attention. Every woman needs someone who is there to listen to their deepest feelings and needs, and understands her intentions, and fears. Every woman needs that kind of attention to thrive, to be the best they can be. It shows that you care and want her to be around.

Admiration

Admiration is why she grooms herself daily and spends substantial time and savings on skin care and clothes, to look magical to you. When she is constantly admired, she can feel your undivided presence which affirms her self worth, boosts her esteem, and gives her self confidence. It allays her fears and insecurity and warms herself up to you.

Acceptance

In order to be intimate, woman needs to feel safe, accepted, relaxed, and worthy. Trying to challenge her good sense, oppose or challenge her, will not win you love, respect, or understanding. If you accept her for who she is, it means that you are seeing the truth in her within your relationship. That will calm her and give her a sense of stability and safety. It makes her feel homey as she welcomes you into her life and her inner thoughts.

Appreciation

Appreciating her efforts makes her feel good about herself and increases the chances of her love connection with you. Showing her gratitude and validating her efforts reinforces your good relationship. That she knows she can be of help in times of need and contribute to your well being. Women cares when they are in love. Not knowing when to reciprocate her thoughtfulness by showing her appreciation makes her feel rejected.

Affection

As humans, we all need emotional, spiritual and physical affection. It requires some direct behaviors that show us the proof of these things. Affection is often a code word for sex but oftentimes, there can be sex just by being attentive, unexpectedly hugging her from behind, showering her with surprise gifts, sending note cards, dropping her a line when you are busy, these are some keys that makes her feel wanted.

Allowing

Allowing means letting her be who she is, and not trying to control her, change her, cage her, or force her into a mould she finds irrational, intolerable or humiliating. Allowing is the essence of unconditional love. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t set limits in your relationship with her. You can. But setting limits is done to protect your relationship and yourself; whereas controlling is making her do what you want. Acceptance doesn’t make sense without allowing.

Affirmation

Affirming is to express agreement with, or commitment to uphold and support her thoughts and ideas, or her words or actions. To agree or concur with her gives her the emotional support and encouragement she needs, that what she does is all correct.

I stand open to be corrected. But try not to be abusive with your language.

(Author Unknown)