Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.

He thought about a life-size sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t really know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…” and then he stopped.

“Except what?,” asked the businessman.

“Nothing. Nothing.” said the old man.

“Come on! Tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick’,” said the old man.

“So what’s up with this ‘voodoo dick’” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

“But you haven’t seen what it will do yet,” said the old man. He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo dick the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.

The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick get back in your box!”

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo, and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.

She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the ‘voodoo dick’. She got it out and said, “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help her. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a ‘voodoo dick’ was stuck in her pussy and wouldn’t stop screwing her.

The officer looked at her for a second and then said, “Yea, right. ‘Voodoo dick’ my ass.”

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”
Wife: “No, he won’t.”
Friend: “How do you know?”
The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”
The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!
After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!
So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.
The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

-Author Unknown

Whose God is Mightier

A Catholic, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing about whose God is mightier.

The Catholic said: “Once I went out to see and a storm began suddenly. The boat got upside down and the next moment I was swimming struggling for my life. Then, I started to pray from the bottom of my heart and a miracle happend: A mile around me the water calmed down and I could swim easy and safely to the shore. Our Lord is the most powerful of all!”

The Muslim said: “Once I was crossing the desert with my caravan and a sand storm came out of nowhere. All the people, camels and merchandise got swallowed by sand and I started to pray with all my power and suddenly a mile around me everything got silent and smooth… Allah is the greatest!”

The Jew said: “Once I was going to the synagogue and I saw a wallet full of dollars lying on the pavement… I wanted to pick it up, but it was Sabbath and it would have been such a sin… So, I prayed hard and a miracle happened. A mile around me it became Wednesday! Yahweh is the mightiest of all!”

– Author Unknown

Jewish Bra

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?

He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.

“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?”

“A Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

(Author Unknown)