Show Your Good Self

“There’s a sure way to be well liked, to gain a lot of good friends, to be respected in your community and have plenty of opportunities come your way. Show your good self always.”

Important Tenet

One of the most important tenets of Chinese art is continuity. A painter or potter is highly respected if he could copy the works of his master to such extraordinary likeness that one cannot differentiate his work from that of his master’s when placed side by side. Likewise, his master would win praises for his generosity in imparting his knowledge and skills to his disciples to such a degree that not only his disciple is now at par with him in terms of skill and creativity, continuity is assured even when he is no longer capable. From there, the disciples would be encouraged to develop styles of their own under the watchful eye of the master and that is how Chinese art sustains and evolve. With duplicates around. And only those with training, experience and a keen eye can differentiate the copies from it’s original.

Vote Wisely

While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by an angel at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says the angel. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules,” says the angel.

And with that, the angel escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in their best there is. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most expensive food there is.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where the angel is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and the angel returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I am better off in hell.”

So the angel escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning just like you during an election……

Today you voted.”

(Author unknown.)

Go to Hell

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started… “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.”

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked… “Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!”

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said,”The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.”

And the idiot went to heaven.

(Author Unknown)

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina.

(Author Unknown.)

HOG

“Some twenty five years ago I found a wallet stashed with some cash and a cash cheque amounting to rm22-25k (can’t remember the actual figure) while I was alighting from my car. And so, I took it upon myself to contact the person who lost it even though I was taken on a wild goose chase all over the island. Those days no one carries handphones around. What more, his name was not even listed inside the phone directory. And whatever the circumstance was, and how inconvenient that would make me, it has always been foremost in my thoughts that what if the cash is an urgent need and what if I myself were to lose that wallet. Nothing closer to this importance ever came to my thoughts.
Yesterday, the same thing happened to me. In my haste, I misplaced an envelope filled with important personal documents in a public institution. When I realized it, I was back in Penang after hours on the highway. I was completely distraught and I didn’t get a good sleep last night. But this morning, the finder called.
As I recall back those years, I asked myself what if I wouldn’t have been so kind then, will I deserve the kindness that I receive today? To me that’s a HOG repaid. HOG btw means heart of gold. It’s also a reminder to me in case I have forgotten that not everyone out on the streets is bad or greedy. Despite the changes that has happened towards our society, kindness still exist. And I am thankful indeed that there still are hogs around.
And so I rewarded the finder the same way I was rewarded some twenty five years ago.”

Honey Babe

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either, so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that …and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!

That’s a real talent you’r wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl.”

(It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed)

(Author Unknown)