Three Nuns

Three nuns sitting together chatting.
The first nun says to the second nun “ you won’t believe what I found in the father’s desk drawer!”
“What was it?” the second nun asks..
“It was a magazine full of pictures of naked women!” The first nun explained.
“What did you do?” The second nun asks.
“ I just closed the drawer and walked out.” Said the first nun.
Then the second nun says quietly “you won’t believe what I found in the father’s bottom drawer!”
The first nun says “what,what did you find?”
“ I found a whole bag full of condoms!!” The second nun answers.
“Well what did you do then?” Asks the first nun.
“ I poked a hole in every one with a needle!!” The second nun exclaimed..
That’s when the third nun said worriedly “oh shit..”

– Author Unknown

It was delicious

A New Yorker had an elderly mother on the West Coast. She lived alone and would frequently mention to her son that she was lonely. One day, the son entered a pet shop in Manhattan and told the owner that he needed a pet that would be good “company” for his lonely, older mother.
“Have I got the pet for you!” exclaimed the owner, “It’s a beautiful parrot that speaks five languages! He’s so entertaining, she’ll never be lonely.” “I’ll take it!” said the son, as the owner assured him that he could have it safely shipped across country.

A week passed, and the son was eager to hear how his mother was enjoying his gift. He called and after pleasantries, asked if his surprise had arrived. “Oh, yes, it arrived safely “ she assured him. “Well, how did you like it?” he asked. “It was delicious!” she replied.

“Delicious!?!, you ate that parrot? Mom, that bird could speak five languages!”

“Well, he should’ve said something.”

(Author Unknown)

UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered.

“Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been

working here for six years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means

‘Unleaded Fuel Only.'”

(Author Unknown)

Jesus Is a Doberman

A burglar breaks into a house on the richer side of town. Certain that there is nobody home. He searches for the most likely place to find a safe and he enters. Just as he does, he hears a voice. “I can see you and Jesus can see you”.

He stops in his tracks and stays perfectly still. He doesn’t budge and waits for several minutes. The voice repeats, “I can see you and Jesus can see you.” He carefully takes out his flashlight and shines a ting beam around. He sees a birdcage and inside is a parrot. “Did you say that”?” he asks the parrot. The parrot says again, “I can see you and Jesus can see you”. “Hah! So what. You’re just a parrot”.

“I might be just a parrot” replies the bird, “But Jesus is a Doberman!”

(Author Unknown)

The Great Archaelogists

A team of Archeologists came upon a cave.

Written on the wall of the cave, from left to right were the following symbols :

A woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were more than three thousands years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree upon as the meaning of the markings.

The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said :

“This look like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey. So, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further truth of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, whereby their crops didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. “

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, “ I’m glad to see that you are all in the full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “ I object to very word.

The explanation of what the writings says is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to write .. ….

Now, look again .. .. it now says :

“Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on the Woman. “

(Author Unknown)

Winking

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your resume, I can see that you’re more than qualified”, says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you”, adds the interviewer.

“But wait”, says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking”.

“Then show me”, replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great. You stopped winking”, says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country”.

“What do you mean?”, asks the man. “I’m happily married”.

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that”, sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”…

(Author Unknown)

Mailman ate him

Little Tommy walks in on his parents having sex, and asks his dad, “Dad, why are you on top of Mommy?” and the dad says, “Well Tommy, remember when you said you wanted a little brother? I’m putting the baby into Mommy!”

A couple of weeks later Tommy is crying, and his dad says, “Tommy, why are you crying?”, and Tommy says, “I’m not gonna have a little brother!”

The dad says, “But don’t you remember, you saw me putting the baby into Mommy?”, and Tommy says, “Yes, but yesterday morning, the mailman ate him!”

(Author Unknown)

Quickie

A young man was tucking his shirt in after a quickie in the back seat with a girl he’d recently met. He felt a little contrite and said to her, Gee, if I’d known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. The girl: Really?? If I’d known you would have taken more time, I would have taken my panty hose off.

(Author Unknown)