Lenin

A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, “What is this?”

The man replied, “What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero.”

The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, “What is this?”

He replied, “What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, ‘Who is this?’ This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day.”

The Israeli customs officer said, “I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go”

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asked, “Who is this?”

He replied, “My dear friend, ‘Who is this’ is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?

This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax.”

MORAL Of The Story :-

You can tell the same shit in different ways to fool a different audience, and no one knows your real intention when they are caught up with your story.

(Author Unknown)

Kuih Bangkit

‘Kuih Bangkit’ my personal favourite Chinese New Year cookie, enjoys the same popularity with the Malay communities during Hari Raya, and particularly those from Riau in Indonesia, and the Baba Nyonya communities of Malacca, Penang and Singapore. Bangkit which means “rise” in Bahasa, traditionally has a little red dot tipped on the body (which turns pink when mixed with the flour), on each piece of the Nyonya version. And these pieces were usually of animal form — Goldfishes, Chickens, etc. casted from wooden moulds then baked.

This peculiarity of consecrating objects with red dots, is ceremonial, and has its belief rooted in Taoism. For it was believed that these red dots would bring man-made objects to life, hence it is with the annual initiation of the Lion and Dragon Dance by their troupes, and the paper effigies burnt for the deceased during funerals. Taoist mediums also dispenses yellow paper blessings written with red ink, or blood splatterings from their tongues, when in trance-like state. Believers would then burnt them, throw them into a glass of water, and drink from it, as divine panacea.

This shared delicacy probably has its roots all over the archipelago, the result of harmonious communal living, and the intermarriages between the two races, the Chinese with the Malay in the Straits, from whence resulted the Baba and Nyonya community.

Tarnished Badge

“Lawlessness amongst enforcers are what keeps the rakyat away from patronising the public domain. Hence restaurants and eateries are on the doldrums. If not for the takeaways, fattening the wallets of food delivery companies, they would all have collapsed under the weight of these enforcers’ rampant issuing of summonses, subject to their whims.

One may never know when one’s luck could run out if we chanced upon them in roadblocks. Such as the most recent case which made headlines?

Everyone knows that driving without a license is an offence, but no one knows we can get away with it if we happened not to be wearing a bra. That is, if we can let our privacy go unchecked by allowing the officers a peek at your boobs. And the only corporal punishment meted to the accused since then was a transfer to administrative duties? Tak malukah pdrm? Semoga kami semua terhibur?

God knows how many of these enforcers has been guilty of picking up gullible women, demanding contact numbers on the pretext of issuing summonses, in exchange for sexual favours because of their incontrollable libido. And God knows how many that were remanded overnight in lockup’s, got their basic share of sexual harassment in exchange for freedom. Are these poor moral conducts excusable according to their operational standards when all of them were supposedly trained to uphold the law?

I think it is high time the SOPs are polished with CCTVs taking prominence when sparring with the public ‘on all occasions’ to regain back public confidence, rather than hiding behind the already tarnished badge. More than ever.”

Drop In Figures

“Even your marder can’t predict when you’re gonna fall sick or the ckt apek knows how many plates he’s going to sell today much similar to our composite index. So why are the daily Covid figures so amazingly consistent?

That tonight your tv announcer has to say “this week we’re going to see a drop in figures.”

Huh? Apa? She can predict?

I know today’s drop is due to cny holidays but why are the rest hovering at 3k cases daily with minimal fluctuation? Main guli, not enough test kits or that’s your handling capacity dear health minister? If that’s your handling capacity nationwide, how can your immunisation minister claim that we can handle 165k vaccinations per day?

Let me tell you how we can get 3k cases averagely per day. You take 150 from Penang and gave it to Sarawak, then take 55 from Sarawak and hand it to Kedah. And everyday, the same number of guli goes round and round like as if you only have 3k marbles inside your dompet to play with. Best part is, districts situated right in the middle of the jungles too have cases. How? Carried by pigeons? Especially those remote hard to reach interiors of Sarawak and Sabah that’s how they have so many cases? But the number of imported cases is minimal if you consider the spread is due to illegal immigrants!

What I meant was, your degree of fluctuation is a suspect, and if you want to lie, lie convincingly. Otherwise shut up.

The worst part of your whole exercise is leaving pockets of danger everywhere when your vaccination is ‘not compulsory’ unlike other countries. Which means you only order enough but bill the government for the entire population so you can masuk. By leaving pockets of unvaccinated people everywhere, total safety will not be imminent. Think lah! What happens when I am vaccinated but all my neighbours did not.

Is that how you guys tackle the Covid situation nationwide? Susahlah ini macam!

– Kris Lee 2021.

Three Balls

There was this man who had three balls. He kept it to himself for a long time, has no girlfriend because of his anxiety till one day he felt he needed to share his secret out to find relieve. And so he approached his good friend and said ” Look here, there’s something I really need to share with you. Between you and me, we have five balls. The friend looked at him surprised then say “You mean you only have one???”

Thrive On Peanuts

“Today is when other sectors of our economy is allowed to open up, two days before the much anticipated Lunar New Year, and today is also the day when most Chinese shops already wraps up their businesses, in this case has never opened since MCO. I am in awe over Wee’s brilliance which seems to outshine his cohort Sabri, who relied on him for accuracy, which goes to prove that he was never a Chinese to begin with nor is he in touch with the ground, which was expected, considering monkeys live on trees and thrive only on peanuts.”

Greatest Athlete of All Time

“The greatest athlete of all time is aptly Nicole David, and she won. By a convincing margin. Just because you don’t like that sport doesn’t mean she’s not qualified. In her sports, she excel. Like no other. A record nine years plus without a single defeat as world champion. Not jaguh kampong. It’s world. Even when I’m not much a squash fan. Our country did not aid her in publicity nor funds. Not even Lin Dan or Maradona or Beckham ever reaches that far in their record number of wins. If you want it to be truly open as a one person one vote thing throughout the world, popular consensus would have seen China athletes or India sweeping the medal based on population size. And we pick based on results. Not a panel of biased judges who picks the qualifiers based on looks or their attachment to a certain sport nor how much publicity western programmes has decided on who to spotlight in their sports column daily. Only our harimau Malaya arseholes would have given their votes to Liverpool. Talking about loyalty and patriotism.”

Idealists

Whilst idealists can keep on growling, living with the virus seems to be a more viable option. It’s been done in Japan. Say I am negative but I can’t see light until another one half years time when the whole world is vaccinated. Till then, no one can guarantee that the newer strains can be suppressed by this current vaccine. Brace for harder times and newer SOPs. Courtesy of the superpowers.