~HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN~

“To all Christians, I have only one thing to say. Do not be always trying to preach your doctrine but give yourself to love. Christ himself never preached any dogma or doctrine. He preaches love of God. The objective of a Christian is to be Christ-like. Never like a coolie recruiter trying to bring coolies to his master’s tea garden. Preaching your doctrine is no sacrifice at all. It is indulging in a luxury far more dangerous than all the luxuries ofmaterial living. It breeds an illusion in your mind that you are doing your duty.That you are wiser and better than your fellow beings. But the real preaching is in being perfect which is through meekness, love and dedication. If you remain strong with your own pride of race, pride of sect and pride of personal superiority, then it is no use to do good to others. On the spiritual plane, you cannot do good until you yourself are good. You cannot preach Christianity until you be like Christ. And then you do not preach Christianity but love of God, which Christ did.”
~Rabindranath Tagore~

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How Old am I

A man walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of 10-year-old Scotch and figures that the man won’t be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘This Scotch is only 10 years old! I specifically asked for 40-year-old

Scotch.’

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar, pulls out a bottle of 20-year-old Scotch, and pours the man a shot. The man drinks it down and says, ‘That was 20-year-old Scotch. I asked for 40-year-old Scotch.’

So the bartender goes into the back room, brings out a bottle of 30-year-old Scotch, and pours the man a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the man states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for 40-year-old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime 40-year-old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘Now this is 40-year-old Scotch!’ The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk, who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, ‘Here, take a swig of this.’ The man takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits

out the liquid on the floor. ‘My God! That tastes like piss,’ he yells.

‘Great guess,’ says the drunk. ‘Now, how old am I?’

(Author Unknown)

Fark the Turkey

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” means. They explained to him that that means “ladies” and “gentlemen.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, “Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

(Author Unknown)

Genie

PART I

Three men were stranded in the desert-an American, an Italian and a Chinese. As luck would have it, they found a bottle with liquid inside it. As they were rubbing it clean, out a genie appears and granted each of them three wishes. The American went first. He asked for money and money appears in his hand. Being greedy, he again asked for more more money and true enough, more more money appears. At last he thought to himself that he should be back in America instead of being stranded in the desert so he wished for that. His wish was granted.

It was the Italians turn. First he wish for a beautiful women and truly, a beautiful women appears. He then wanted a women far more beautiful than this one and wow! a women exceedingly more beautiful than the first one appears! He grinned himself silly then thought that its time to go back to Italy with two beautiful ladies and in a poof, he was sent back to Italy!

Now it is the turn of the Chinese. Being a simple man, first he ask for a wet towel to keep himself cool. The weather was hot and dry and true enough, a towel appears in his hand! He then ask for a bottle of chinese wine and within seconds, a bottle of chinese wine appears in his hand. Then he thought to himself now who is going to share that bottle with him? So he ask for his two desert companions back, the American and that Italian…

PART II

Again they were all stranded and again as luck would have it, they found yet another bottle and again another genie appears. This genie told them that because he is not that powerful, he can only grant each of them two wishes instead of three. Not wanting to be victimised by that callous Chinese again, both the American and the Italian insisted that the Chinese should start first. After much haggling, the Chinese obliged. Being thirsty and dry in the desert, he desires for another bottle of chinese wine. The genie granted him. Then he thought to himself and being a simple man he was, he reckon there is nothing more that he needed so, he sent the genie back into the bottle.

(Author Unknown)

Wine taster

“How I got the job as a wine taster”

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said:

“It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….

“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Correct.”

A third glass…

”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

(Author Unknown)