Too stuffy

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me: I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?”

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, “How very sporting of your mother.”

BMW 525

A Bangla showed up at a Toyota showroom, took out $2,000 and told the salesman, “Give me a Camry”. The salesman was shocked and said, “Bro, your money not enough”.

The Bangla raised his voice and said, “Look at your advertisement outside, it is written as “Camry 2000”.

The salesman calmly replied, “Bro, you go out, turn right to the showroom next door, it’s much cheaper, “BMW 525”.

(Author unknown)

Miracle for my Brother

An eight-year-old child heard her parents talking about her little brother. All she knew was that he was very sick and they had no money left. They were moving to a smaller house because they could not afford to stay in the present house after paying the doctor’s bills. Only a very costly surgery could save him now and there was no one to loan them the money.

When she heard her daddy say to her tearful mother with whispered desperation, ‘Only a miracle can save him now’, the little girl went to her bedroom and pulled her piggy bank from its hiding place in the closet. She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully.

Clutching the precious piggy bank tightly, she slipped out the back door and made her way six blocks to the local drugstore. She took a quarter from her bank and placed it on the glass counter.

“And what do you want?” asked the pharmacist.

“It’s for my little brother,” the girl answered back. “He’s really very sick and I want to buy a miracle.”

“I beg your pardon?” said the pharmacist.

“His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my daddy says only a miracle can save him. So how much does a miracle cost?”

“We don’t sell miracles here, child. I’m sorry,” the pharmacist said, smiling sadly at the little girl.

“Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn’t enough, I can try and get some more. Just tell me how much it costs.”

In the shop was a well-dressed customer. He stooped down and asked the little girl, “What kind of a miracle does you brother need?”

“I don’t know,” she replied with her eyes welling up. “He’s really sick and mommy says he needs an operation. But my daddy can’t pay for it, so I have brought my savings”.

“How much do you have?” asked the man.

“One dollar and eleven cents; but I can try and get some more”, she answered barely audibly.

“Well, what a coincidence,” smiled the man, “A dollar and eleven cents – the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.”

He took her money in one hand and held her hand with the other. He said, “Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let’s see if I have the kind of miracle you need.”

That well-dressed man was Dr Carlton Armstrong, a neurosurgeon. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn’t long before Andrew was home again and doing well.

“That surgery,” her mom whispered, “was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost.”

The little girl smiled. She knew exactly how much the miracle cost … one dollar and eleven cents.

(Author unknown)

One Stone

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was ‘One Stone’.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him One Stone.

After years and years of torment, One Stone finally cracked and said,’

If anyone calls me One Stone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, One-Stone!.’

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and night.

He made love to her all day the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that One Stone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named ‘Yellow Bird’ returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One Stone.

She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, One Stone.’

Onestone was enraged by his name being called. He grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but , Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Because

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You can’t kill two birds with One Stone.

Bomoh

A man with family problems decided to consult a Bomoh (witch doctor). The Bomoh told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sand from his backyard.

So the man went back, and after two weeks, came back with the sample of sand.

The Bomoh performed his rituals and said to the man “I don’t know if you can handle this. The man said “Go ahead. I want to hear it.”

The Bomoh said “The two boys you have are not your sons, your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant from your younger brother!”

The man started laughing. The Bomoh asked him why was he laughing after listening to all these bad news.

The man responded, “I don’t know if you can handle this!” The Bomoh said go ahead. The man said, I was running late and I forgot to bring the sand sample from my yard, so I dug out some from your compound.*

( Author Unknown)

Clergy Day Special

In a church in one Sunday morning a preacher said,

“Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar.”

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

“Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

He replied,

“Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter’s head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

“Peter, how is your hearing now?”

Peter answered,

“I don’t know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the magistrate court.”

(Author Unknown)

Molly the Camel

One Joke a Day

*Army Captain Caught Having Sex with a Camel*

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. 

The nervous Sergeant said, “Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That’s why we have Molly The Camel.” 

The Captain said, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I can understand about the ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?” 

“No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That’s where the girls are.” 

(Author Unknown)

Male Life Cycle

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big Tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

5. When I was 30, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

6. When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

7. I’m much older and wiser now, and I’m looking for a girl with big tits.

(Author Unknown)

Dead Person

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his that I didn’t know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to go. Then a man approached me and said: Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flyes, look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it, he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the Coffin.

For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly with repeated nightmare and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone, I visited many psychologist, I didn’t turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages.

Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

*That dead idiot had a twin brother*

(Author Unknown)

Letter to God

A little Boy wanted 500 ringgit so he prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write a letter to God requesting for the 500 ringgit. When the post office staff received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward the letter to the Prime Minister’s Office.

The PM was so amused, so he instructed his secretary to send the little boy 100 ringgit as he thought 500 ringgit would be a lot of money for him. The little boy was delighted with 100 ringgit he received and decided to write a thank you note to God.

Again the post office sent the letter to the PM Office.

PM reads the letter, which says:

*Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Prime Minister’s Office and it appears that the corrupted PM has pocketed the 400 ringgit ….*

(Author Unknown)

Returned Unopened

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, and died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true tohis word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what thelady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazyand it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription wasunnecessarily long. So they simply carved:

*”Returned unopened.”*

(Author Unknown)