The First Time

An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time.

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender.

The guy on the left side ordered “Jack Daniels, Single.”

The guy on the right ordered “Johnnie Walker, Single.”

The bartender looked at the Indian lady and asked,

“And you?”

She replied, “Meenachi Shokalingam, Married.”

(Author Unknown)

Flagpole height

Two engineers employed by PAS was standing below a flagpole, looking up.*

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We are supposed to find out the height of the flagpole”, said one of them.

“But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.

She loosened a few bolts, the pole fell down.

She then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, “It’s eighteen feet, six inches”.

She then walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed.

Quietly he said to the first engineer.

He said, “We needed the height, but she gave us the length!”

They both laughed.

(By the way, both engineers are still working for the Kelantan Government.)

(Author Unknown)

One for the Money, Two for the Show.

Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

(Author Unknown)

Lost your sense of Smell

Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”

I replied: “He can smell she is ready. That’s how nature works.”

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: “How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?”

I replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”

We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: “This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready?”

I said: “Oh, yes; it’s nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.”

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: “Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19.”

Surprised, “Why do you say that?” I asked her.

She replied: “You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”

(Author Unknown)

Not in the Car??

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car…

“Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said… “These are your children sir..!”

(In the car were their Landlady’s two daughters, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, his secretary’s son and their neighbours two sons!)

The Wife in full anger said,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children..??”

The man asked her calmly…

“Then why are our children not in the car..??”

(Author unknown)

Arthur

Arthur is 85 years old. 

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.”

 

“Oh, no,” she replied.

 

Once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

 

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: “Why don’t

 

you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

 

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “George is ninety two. He can’t help.”

 

“He may be ninety two,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

 

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball ?”

 

“Of course I did !”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

 

“Where did it go ?” asks Arthur.

 

“Can’t remember.”

(Author Unknown)

5 Year Old Son After reading a Story About a King

Son: “Mom, I also want 3 wives.

One will cook for me, one will sing for me, one will bathe me!”

Mom: “And which one will you sleep with?”

Son: “No mom, I will still sleep beside you.”

<<Mom’s eyes welled up with tears.>>

“God bless you son!” Mom said.

But who will sleep with your 3 wives then?”

Son: “Let them sleep with daddy!”

<<Dad’s eyes then filled up with tears>>

“God bless you son!” Dad said.

(Author Unknown)

Christmas Tree

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father—‘ Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

Surprised father answered–

‘Well son, there are three kinds of boobs.

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.

Son– Onions?

Father— Yes, you see them and they make you cry.

This made his wife and daughter mad.

So the daughter said–Mom, how many kinds of ‘penises’ are there?

The mother smiled and answered– ‘

Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.

Daughter- A Christmas tree?

Mom-‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

(Author Unknown)

Adult Theme Jokes

To make it straight, she pulls it..

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

It’s hell of a job threading a needle!!!

.

.

4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower

Bleeding without getting hurt

Giving milk without eating grass

Making boneless meat hard.

.

.

What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’

It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

.

.

Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: You fool, it’s uncle. Papa never comes with raincoat!

.

.

A hubby said to his wife, ‘I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..’

The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

.

.

What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, ‘I would rather have 7 inches at1 time.

Not 1 inch 7 times.’

.

.

The vagina is the world’s best rehabilatation/correction center.

Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

.

.

A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattoed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, ‘There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.’

.

.

Lady was trying on a dress.

Husband: ‘Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!’

Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’

Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

.

.

(Author Unknown)

An Ancient Love Poem

(Someone copied this poem and made an atrocious ending to it thus making it very distasteful and offensive when it is meant to be just that, a beautiful lighthearted poem on making love. I encountered it in the 80s when I was a student in Singapore and managed to keep a copy of it which I posted it now. I don’t claim to be the author and I am not plagiarising it. I will give credit when due (please convince me ) because the author’s name was not on my copy, but certainly I am not going to acknowledge the one, a professor in the US shared. His version doesn’t even rhyme well or sound correct if I may be so bold to say)

This is as original as it sounds.

Adam & Eve, as everyone knows

Lived in a garden, without any clothes

And in the garden, there were two little leaves

One covered Adam, the other Eve

.

As the story goes, needless to say

Along came the wind, which blew them away

And the wondering sight, that made Adam stare

Was Eve’s rookie, all covered with hair

.

The night was calm, with a silvery moon

And soon they both found, a place to spoon

And the amazing sight, that met Eve’s eyes

Was Adam’s ‘thing’, as it started to rise

.

Adam thrust, with all his might

For his was big, and hers was small and tight

And forward and backward, he did stride

Till friction made Eve, all juicy inside

.

She jerks and moan, as he teases her darts

Her legs spread wider, as he pistons her tart

Then all of a sudden, Eve gave a loud shrill

As Adam’s ‘thing’, began to spill

.

Adam was so spent, but down Eve went

She sucks him wildly and devour his content

She made him twitch, and pleases him good

As Adam kept spurting, till he ran out of food

.

Three months later, all went well

Six months later, ‘What a swell!’

Nine months later, what a shock!

Out comes a baby, with a nine inch c’ck!

.

.

.

(Author Unknown)

Gynaecologist

Sitting at home with his wife, a man casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

He loses concentration for a split second and one peanut went inside his left ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeded only in forcing the thing in, awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to visit the hospital. On their way out, they meet their daughter with her boyfriend.

The Boyfriend took control of the situation.

He told them he’s studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks his two fingers down the man’s nose and asks him to blow.

Lo & Behold! The nut shot out from his ear and out across the room!

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get a drink , the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.

“So…..” the wife says, “What do you think he’d become after he finishes medicine school? A GP or a surgeon?”

“Well…..” said the man rubbing his nose, “By the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to become a gynaecologist.”

(Author Unknown)

Pedro

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, ‘Pedro! What is that?’

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, ‘Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.’

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

‘Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!’

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, ‘Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.’

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

‘Maria? *Now* what’s wrong???’

‘Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!

(Author Unknown)

Second Mistake

*Muthu’s* salary was *$2000.* One month he received *$2200* and he kept quiet. The following month he received *$1,800* and he went straight to the HR Manager to complain.

The HR manager asked why he did not complain the previous month.

Muthu replied *”l normally forgive the first mistake but when you make a second mistake l do not tolerate”*

(Author Unknown)

Goat died

A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide.

Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river.

However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, “If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I’ll resurrect your family.

However, if you fail to do that, I’ll eat you alive.”

The young boy agrees, and tries his best.

However, he soon gives up and the mermaid eats him.

At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead.

When he walks up to the river and sees his brother’s remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.

Grinning, he asks the mermaid, “What if you give up and died on me instead due to all that sex?”

Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies, ” You really think you can make love to me 20 times?”

Boy:

“How else do you think the goat died?”

(Author Unknown)

Over smart Doctors

A doctor opens his clinic & pasted this notice outside the door:

“Any sickness, Rm300. Any sickness we can’t treat, YOU get back Rm1000!

A confidence trickster on reading this came in. He was so confident he could rip this doctor off. He said to the doctor, “Doctor, my tongue just can’t taste anything!” The doctor asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine on his tongue from box no. 22. The man spontaneously shouts: “What d ___ …its URINE!!

The doctor says “Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now!” The man was dumbfounded as he loses Rm300.

Two weeks later he is back to seek revenge and claim back what he had lost.

“Doc, I’ve lost my memory!” he said. Again, the doctor told the nurse, “Nurse, could you please put a few drops of medicine from Box no 22 onto his tongue?” The confidence trickster jumps up before the nurse could do so and said “Wait doc! but that medicine is for my sense of taste!” “Very well” doctor said, “Your memory is back!”

Moral of the story: Don’t try to over-smart doctors…

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”

Wife: “No, he won’t.”

Friend: “How do you know?”

The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”

The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!

After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!

So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.

The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

(Author Unknown)

Airplane Glue

Norman and Barry got married in California.

They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,

he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, ‘No’.

Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’

Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ‘

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’

His mom says, ‘No.’

He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘OK, now tell me what you think.’

He says: ‘Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’

(Author Unknown)

Sister in law

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn’t overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said.

“If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold! My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, ‘Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son..’

… Well the moral of this story is:

“Always keep your condoms in your car”.

(Author Unknown)

Husband Shopping Center

A Husband Shopping Center just opened where women could just walked in and pick up a husband from amongst the many available there. It is laid out in five floors, each floor categorized with men of different attributes. However, there is one catch. If you do not choose a man from that floor, but wishes to ascend higher to try your luck, you cannot descend again except to exit the building. One woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the signboard says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. ‘Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?’

So up she goes.

The second floor signage says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

‘Hmm better.’ says the woman. ‘But, I wonder what’s further up?’

The third floor signage reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and helps with the housework.

‘Wow!,’ says the woman, ‘Very tempting. BUT, there must be better ones further up!’

So again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the signage reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, helps with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

‘Oh, mercy me! But just think…what must be awaiting me on the last floor?

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The signage on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

(Author Unknown)

Ramasamy

Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will. His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.

“So”, he says to them:

“Lingam, I want you to take over the Jalan Duta houses…”

“Saraswathy, take over the apartments in Kota Damansara Place…”

“Jega, I want you to take over the offices in KL Sentral.”

“Letchumi, my dear wife, you can take over all the residential buildings in Bangsar.”

The nurse is amazed by all this, and as Ramasamy passes away, she says, “Mrs. Letchumi, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to be able to own all these properties.”

Letchumi replied, “Nonono! He delivers newspapers to all these places & now we have to take over and deliver newspapers to all these places lah…”

(Author Unknown )

Lone Ranger

Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

“What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

“You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole our tent.”

(Author Unknown)

I Nearly Died

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating durians. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small stall and the odor of durians was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the stall and before I knew it, I had consumed three large fruits. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The durians I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like half a ton of dried salted fish.

I fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking garbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

‘Happy Birthday!’!!

I nearly died!!!

(Author Unknown)

How much are you giving?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped a bus load of politicians, and *they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.*

“Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations”.

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks…

The man replies, *”Roughly 2 litres.”

(Author Unknown)

This Student failed his Exam

(This student failed his exam.)

Is it logical? Let’s look at his answers and determine it for ourselves..

*Q1: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEON DIE?*

“`HIS LAST BATTLE.“`

*Q2: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?*

“`AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.“`

*Q3: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?*

“`LIQUID.“`

*Q4: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?*

“`MARRIAGE.“`

*Q5: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?*

“`EXAMS.“`

*Q6: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?*

“`LUNCH & DINNER.“`

*Q7: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?*

“`THE OTHER HALF.“`

*Q8: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?*

“`WET.“`

*Q9: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?*

“`NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.“`

*Q10: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?*

“`YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND“`

*Q11: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?*

“`VERY LARGE HANDS“`

*Q12: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?*

“`NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT“`

*Q13: HOW CAN YOU DROP A RAW EGG ONTO A CONCRETE FLOOR WITHOUT CRACKING IT?*

“`ANY WAY YOU WANT, CONCRETE FLOORS ARE VERY HARD TO CRACK.“`

(Author Unknown)

Barbeque

Men organising a BBQ on Whatsapp…..

* Man 1: * Hey guys, when are we going to have a bbq?

* Man 2: * Thursday at 8 pm at the “Man 9” house

* Man 1: * Okay, what do we take?

* Man 9: * I buy the meat and drinks, then we split.

* Man 5: * Ok

* Man 1: * Ok

* Man 3: * Ok

* Man 2: * Ok

* Man 4: * Ok

* Man 6: * Ok

* Man 7: * Ok

* Man 8: * Ok

* Man 10: * Ok

* Man 11: * Ok

* Man 12: * Ok

* Man 13: * Ok

* Man 14: * Ok

* Man 15: * Ok

*END OF CONVERSATION*

WOMEN organizing BBQ on WhatsApp

* Woman 1: * Hi guys, when are we going to meet and have a bbq?

* Woman 2: * Thursday at 8 pm?

* Woman 3: * Where?

* Woman 2: * I don’t know

* Woman 4: * Where girls?

* Woman 4: * If you want you can come to Mom’s house

* Woman 2: * Wouldn’t it be better to go to a restaurant?

* Woman 5: * No, in a house it’s better, so we don’t spend so much and we have more time

* Woman 2: * Ok by me

* Woman 3: * Ok

* Woman 5: * Ok

* Woman 4: * Ok

* Woman 6: * Okay what? Restaurant or home?

* Woman 2: * House

* Woman 7: * Restaurant

* Woman 2: * Let’s go to Woman 4’s house then

* Woman 3: * Okay, what do we take?

* Woman 8: * Does anyone know how to bbq?

* Woman 2: * I’m excited 👏🏻👏🏻

* Woman 6: * What will we buy?

* Woman 2: * Let’s make a list

* Woman 8: * Ok

* Woman 4: * A little meat and salad, what do you think?

* Woman 5: * Well I’m on a diet so I’m going to eat only lettuce and tomatoes

* Woman 2: * Okay, then?

* Woman 1: * I’ll make a list and each one says what they can bring

* Woman 2: * Greek salad

* Woman 3: * Quinoa

* Woman 4: * Sausage and potatoes

* Woman 5: * Lettuce, tomato and some vegetables for another salad

* Woman 1: * Okay, how much?

* Woman 6: * I don’t know

* Woman 2: * 5 sausages?

* Woman 2: * Who eats sausage?

* Woman 2: * I don’t

* Woman 5: * I don’t

* Woman 7: * I don’t

* Woman 3: * I don’t

* Woman 4: * I don’t

* Woman 8: * I don’t

* Woman 1: * Okay, I won’t buy sausage then

* Woman 2: * But you, Woman 4, why did you say you were going to buy sausage if you don’t eat it?

* Woman 4: * Because I had put myself in the shoes of someone who eats sausage

* Woman 1: * Ok, no sausage then

* Woman 1: * Sosaties and steak, 1 kilo and 1 kilo, okay?

* Woman 7: * It seems little

* Woman 1: * How much then?

* Woman 2: * I don’t know

* Woman 2: * Girls? What do you think?

* Woman 8: * I think it’s half a kilo per person

* Woman 4: * How many are we?

* Woman 1: * I don’t know. Girls, confirm who’s going

* Woman 2: * I will

* Woman 3: * I will

* Woman 5: * I will

* Woman 6: * I will

* Woman 7: * I will

* Woman 8: * I will

* Woman 9: * I will

* Woman 10: * I will

* Woman 11: * I will

* Woman 4: * When is it?

* Woman 2: * Thursday?

* Woman 4: * I can’t, I have a doctor’s appt

* Woman 2: * What bad luck, we dpn’t have a venue for the braai then?

* Woman 4: * Sorry girls, the reminder for this appointment just rang

* Woman 1: * What other house is available?

* Woman 8: * How many are we?

* Woman 2: * 10

* Woman 3: * It doesn’t fit in my house

* Woman 5: * Not mine either

* Woman 6: * Not mine either

* Woman 7: * Much less in mine

* Woman 8: * Not mine either

* Woman 9: * Not mine either

* Woman 10: * In mine it may… but I need chairs, can someone bring?

* Woman 2: * Woman 11 has a chair rental shop, she can take

* Woman 5: * But she doesn’t answer, she must be working

* Woman 9: * I don’t eat sausage

* Woman 2: * We still need to find a venue

* Woman 12: * Sorry girls, I just got on the phone, what happened?

* Woman 2: * We are still looking for a venue

* Woman 12: * Come to my house, no stress

* Woman 2: * Ok, excellent

* Woman 12: * Wait … what day?

* Woman 2: * Thursday at 8 pm

* Woman 12: * Huummmmm that complicates things … can it be on Wednesday?

* Woman 2: * Fine by me

* Woman 2: * Same time?

* Woman 2: * Yes?

* Woman 3: * I will

* Woman 4: * I will

* Woman 5: * I have to take Gabi to her grandmother’s house, but I can go later after she falls asleep

* Woman 8: * Okay.

* Woman 9: * I will

* Woman 6: * I will

* Woman 7: * I will

* Woman 11: * I will

* Woman 2: * Done, Wednesday at the home of Woman 12.

* Woman 3: * Yes

* Woman 1: * Girls, coming back to the braai.. do I buy half a kilo per person?

* Woman 8: * Yes

* Woman 1: * Ok, so I’ll ask Pieter to buy

* Woman 2: * Ok… and what will we do about drinks?

* Woman 3: * Each one takes whatever they drink and that’s it

* Woman 9: * I can’t because I go straight from work

* Woman 6: * Well, Woman 1 better buy everything and split up later

* Woman 1: * Girls, I can’t buy everything, does anyone give me a hand?

* Woman 6: * I’ll help, what do you drink girls?

* Woman 2: * Coke Zero

* Woman 4: * Water

* Woman 5: * Natural juice

* Woman 6: * Sparkling water

* Woman 9: * Aloe water

* Woman 3: * Girls, can we buy Peach Iced tea?

* Woman 8: * Let’s go to a restaurant girls,that’s less effort

* Woman 2: * I think so too

* Woman 4: * Me too

* Woman 6: * Me too

* Woman 7: * Me too

* Woman 9: * Me too

* Woman 11: * Me too

* Woman 12: * Me too

* Woman 1: * Ahhh no girls, I already sent Pieter to buy everything, we have to bbq

* Woman 2: * Uhh crap…

* Woman 4: * I want water, but it has to be Bonaqua that has less sodium, so I don’t get bloated

* Woman 1: * Girls, can we organize please ?????

* Woman 2: * Ok

* Woman 6: * Ok

* Woman 4: * Ok

* Woman 9: * Ok

* Woman 5: * Ok

* Woman 8: * Ok

* Woman 11: * I don’t eat sausage either

* Woman 5: * (sending a chain) Girls… please share… The dog is called BOB… he got lost yesterday near the station, if everyone works together we can find him and get him bacl to his owners… They must be worried sick!

* Woman 6: * Yes, poor BOB

* Woman 9: * BOB is beautiful!! What breed is he?

* Woman 5: * I don’t know … got this on my yoga group

* Woman 2: * But do you know the owners?

* Woman 5: * No, but I felt sorry for BOB

* Woman 1: * Pieter called me from the butcher shop saying they don’t have steak, what else should we get?

* Woman 2: * I prefer chorizo steak

* Woman 4: * Me too

* Woman 1: * Girls, we can decide right away because Pieter is going to kill me, he’s at the butcher shop waiting for us to decide

* Woman 6: * I think it is unfair to always be like this, we are always the same ones that organize everything and nobody else is moved to do anything

* Woman 10: * Hi girls, I just woke up and I have 369 messages in our group, what happened??

* Woman 3: * I’ll tell you………….

(Author Unknown)

THE BRONZE RAT

A Tourist walked into a

Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at

the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike,

life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?” Ahhh, you have chosen

wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,”

said the wise old chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street

carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster!

Terrified, he ran to the edge

of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the

curio shop in Chinatown.

Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

No sir,” said the man,

I came back to see if

you have a bronze Umno member”.

Will not Live to see That Day

Three old men went to see God.

The 1st old man an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession.

“100 years,” God said.

The American started crying. “I will not live to see that day”

2nd man a Russian, asked God “When will my country become prosperous?”

50 years, came the reply.

The Russian too started crying. “I will not live to see that day.”

Finally third man, a MALAYSIAN asked God,”when will my country become corruption free?”

God started crying. I will not live to see that day.

(Author Unknown)

Miscounted

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”

(Author Unknown)

Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word ‘Typewriter’.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

(Author Unknown)

What a Coincidence!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.

‘This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.’

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.

‘I’m a chicken farmer and all of last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’

‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘What a coincidence!’

(Author Unknown)