Crazy not Stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.

He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.

As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said “can’t even fix such a simple problem… No wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…”

“What you can do is, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that”

The driver was very impressed and asked: “You’re so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?”

Patient replied: “Hello, the reason I’m inside here is because I’m Crazy. Not STUPID!!!

(Author Unknown)

Too stuffy

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me: I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?”

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, “How very sporting of your mother.”

BMW 525

A Bangla showed up at a Toyota showroom, took out $2,000 and told the salesman, “Give me a Camry”. The salesman was shocked and said, “Bro, your money not enough”.

The Bangla raised his voice and said, “Look at your advertisement outside, it is written as “Camry 2000”.

The salesman calmly replied, “Bro, you go out, turn right to the showroom next door, it’s much cheaper, “BMW 525”.

(Author unknown)

One Stone

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was ‘One Stone’.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him One Stone.

After years and years of torment, One Stone finally cracked and said,’

If anyone calls me One Stone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, One-Stone!.’

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and night.

He made love to her all day the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that One Stone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named ‘Yellow Bird’ returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One Stone.

She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, One Stone.’

Onestone was enraged by his name being called. He grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but , Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

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Because

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You can’t kill two birds with One Stone.

Bomoh

A man with family problems decided to consult a Bomoh (witch doctor). The Bomoh told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sand from his backyard.

So the man went back, and after two weeks, came back with the sample of sand.

The Bomoh performed his rituals and said to the man “I don’t know if you can handle this. The man said “Go ahead. I want to hear it.”

The Bomoh said “The two boys you have are not your sons, your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant from your younger brother!”

The man started laughing. The Bomoh asked him why was he laughing after listening to all these bad news.

The man responded, “I don’t know if you can handle this!” The Bomoh said go ahead. The man said, I was running late and I forgot to bring the sand sample from my yard, so I dug out some from your compound.*

( Author Unknown)

Clergy Day Special

In a church in one Sunday morning a preacher said,

“Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar.”

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

“Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

He replied,

“Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter’s head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

“Peter, how is your hearing now?”

Peter answered,

“I don’t know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the magistrate court.”

(Author Unknown)

Molly the Camel

One Joke a Day

*Army Captain Caught Having Sex with a Camel*

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. 

The nervous Sergeant said, “Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That’s why we have Molly The Camel.” 

The Captain said, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I can understand about the ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?” 

“No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That’s where the girls are.” 

(Author Unknown)

Male Life Cycle

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big Tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

5. When I was 30, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

6. When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

7. I’m much older and wiser now, and I’m looking for a girl with big tits.

(Author Unknown)

Dead Person

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his that I didn’t know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to go. Then a man approached me and said: Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flyes, look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it, he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the Coffin.

For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly with repeated nightmare and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone, I visited many psychologist, I didn’t turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages.

Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

*That dead idiot had a twin brother*

(Author Unknown)

Letter to God

A little Boy wanted 500 ringgit so he prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write a letter to God requesting for the 500 ringgit. When the post office staff received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward the letter to the Prime Minister’s Office.

The PM was so amused, so he instructed his secretary to send the little boy 100 ringgit as he thought 500 ringgit would be a lot of money for him. The little boy was delighted with 100 ringgit he received and decided to write a thank you note to God.

Again the post office sent the letter to the PM Office.

PM reads the letter, which says:

*Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Prime Minister’s Office and it appears that the corrupted PM has pocketed the 400 ringgit ….*

(Author Unknown)

Returned Unopened

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, and died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true tohis word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what thelady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazyand it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription wasunnecessarily long. So they simply carved:

*”Returned unopened.”*

(Author Unknown)

Catch my eye

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

(Author Unknown)

9 pounds of gold

A husband and wife were very happy over the nine pound baby boy that was born to them.

Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he had become the proud owner of a nine pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing seemingly extraordinary news, sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.

When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home….

Reporter:- Does Mr. Brown live here?

Mrs. Brown:- Oh! yes.

Reporter:- Is he in?

Mrs. Brown:- No, he went somewhere.

Reporter:- Is it true that he owns a nine pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown:- (Realising the joke) Yes! Indeed.

Reporter:- Can I see the place where he found it?

Mrs. Brown:- I’m afraid not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.

Reporter:- Is the place far?

Mrs. Brown:- No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter:- How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?

Mrs. Brown:- Just about two years.

Reporter:- Is the hole deep?

Mrs. Brown:- Quite so…

Reporter:- At about what time does Mr. Brown start digging?

Mrs. Brown:- Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter:- Does he work hard on it?

Mrs. Brown:- You bet.. and how he perspires.

Reporter:- Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?

Mrs. Brown:- He thought he was…

Reporter:- How do you know there was someone ahead of him?

Mrs. Brown:- I’m in good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter:- Oh, I see, but did you sell the place to Mr. Brown?

Mrs. Brown:- No, but for the present he has the legal title to the site.

Reporter:- Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works?

Mrs. Brown:- Yes, I work under him…

Reporter:- Do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?

Mrs. Brown:- I don’t think so because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter:- Can I see the nine pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown:- Yes, certainly…

(She showed him the nine pound baby boy..)

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(Author Unknown)

Scandal

Son : “Daddy, I fell in love & I wanted to date this awesome girl!”

Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Tina, the neighbor’s daughter”.

Father : “Ohhh? I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son, but you

must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister.”

The boy was naturally bummed out.

A couple of months later..

Son : “Daddy! I fell in love again! This girl is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Penny, the other neighbor’s daughter!

Father : “Ohhhh? I wish you hadn’t said that. Penny is also your sister!”

This went on a couple of times more and the son was naturally upset he weeped then went straight to his mother..

Son : “Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them! Daddy said he is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and said:

“Don’t worry love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He is not your

Father!”

(Son Fainted)

(Author unknown)

Dip

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”

(Author Unknown)

Wants to Buy Mom

Little Boy attended a horse auction with his Parents..He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horse’s legs, bum & chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, “Because when we buy horses, we have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape!

Boy looking worried said, “Dad, I think Gupta’s uncle wants to buy Mom!”

(Author unknown)

Easy Way to Earn Money

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, “There is a easy way to earn money. The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”

The boy jumps up to his dad, “I know your secret!” dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”

The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”

The boy then tries it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

(Author Unknown)

Pull the Drain Plug

In a “Mental Hospital” a journalist asks the Doctor: How do you determine if someone is a mental patient or not?

Doctor: “Easy! We’d fill a bathtub with water and then give the patient

(a) a teaspoon,

(b) a glass,

(c) a bucket,

and ask them to empty the bathtub!”

Journalist: “Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger!”

Dr: “No. A normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you too!

(Author unknown)

Release the Donkey

A donkey was tied to a tree. A demon came and untied it. The donkey ran into the fields and was destroying the crop.

The farmer’s wife saw this and shot the donkey dead.

The donkey’s owner was upset so he shot the farmer’s wife.

The farmer came back to see his wife dead, he went and shot the donkey’s owner. The wife of the owner of the donkey asked her sons to go and burn the house of the farmer.

The boys went late evening and carried out their mother’s orders happily, assuming that the farmer too would have been burnt with the house. Sadly for them it wasn’t that, so the farmer came back and shot the wife & the two sons of the owner of the donkey.

Remorseful, the farmer asked the demon why did all this have to happen?

The demon said, *”I did nothing, I only released the donkey.”*

(Author Unknown)

Mongolian VD

A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a bloke wakes one morning to find his dodger covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc”.

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis”.

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice!”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease”.

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I

already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”

“Oh, Thank Goodness!”, the man replies.

Give me the medicine now says the guy. The Chinese doctor gave it to him and he gulped it down.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself. You save money!”

(Author Unknown)

Never Forget You

Last weekend, my daughter and I were checking out a house she was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Roger? I know you. We were good friends when we were young. I’m Rose. Don’t you recognise me?”

I drew a complete blank.

She showed me an old black and white framed picture of her when she was a teenager — still nothing.

She then went in her room, took out a shoe box full of old trinkets, flipped through them, took out an old faded b&w photo and handed it to me. At the bottom of my photo I had written, “Rose, I will never forget you.”

(Author Unknown)

It’s an asshole!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

The dad said, “Well, it’s what mummy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screams to her brother, ” Don’t eat it!

It’s an *ass hole* ! ”

(Author Unknown)

Modern Education

A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester,having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home.

“Dad” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing into!

They actually have a program here in our institution that teaches dogs how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,”his father says. “How do I get Jack into that program?”

“Just send him down here with $10,000″ the young boy says ” and I’ll get him in the course.”

So his father sends the dog and$10,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Jack doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read ??” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Jack into that program?”

“Just send $20,000, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Jack? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does.Then Jack turned to me and asked, so, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel who lives down the street?”

The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”

(Author Unknown)

Tight Slap

A Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her younger daughter were traveling in a train and during that course of time , they got acquainted.

The train went through a tunnel and it got dark.

Suddenly the sound of a kissing followed by a slap was heard.

The train emerges at the end of the tunnel.

The old women and the Assistant sat there looking perplexed.

The Manager bends over holding his face, apparently red from the slap.

No one said a thing.

The Old woman thought to herself:

“These Managers are skirt chasers. I bet he must have kissed my daughter. Good that she slapped him.”

The younger daughter thought to herself: “That Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.”

The Manager thought to himself:

“Damn it! My Assistant must have kissed that young girl and she thought it was me and slapped me instead.”

The Assistant’s thought to himself:

“If this train goes through one more tunnel, I will make another kissing sound and again give my Manager a tight slap. This Rascal keeps on harassing me in the Office!”

(Author Unknown)

Unfaithful

An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

(Author Unknown)

Do You Remember?

An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

(Author Unknown)

Mousetrap

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

What food might this contain?” The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the goat and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The goat sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his machete to the farmyard for the soup’s main Ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the goat.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

(Author Unknown)

What Number?

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated

She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.

She said – “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel Luckier when I’m nude.”

With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-

“Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled – “Yes, Yes,

I Won.. I Won..”

She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.

The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-

“What number rolled on the dice?”

The other – “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

(Author Unknown)