Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word ‘Typewriter’.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

(Author Unknown)

What a Coincidence!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.

‘This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.’

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.

‘I’m a chicken farmer and all of last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’

‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘What a coincidence!’

(Author Unknown)

Raise the Dead

Pastor: “Now, for our healing prayers, please raise your left hand towards the direction of the altar.”

Old man: “How about the right hand pastor?”

Pastor: “Place your right hand on the part of your body that needs to be healed.

(OLD MAN TOUCHES HIS PRIVATE PART WITH HIS RIGHT HAND)

Pastor: “Sir, why are you touching your private part?”

Old man: “I just followed you command pastor!”

Pastor: “Yes I know. But this is to heal the sick. Not to raise the dead!”

(Author Unknown)

40 years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband then thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an

opportunity like this will never come again. I’m

sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30

years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and

poof!…

(The husband became 92 years old).

(Author Unknown)

Banksy or Wanky

“There must be an assigned proprietor for a trademark to be endorsed. Whether your pseudonym is Banksy or Wanky, indeed no one knows if you are a groupie, an institution or a delusional whacko. But since you can craft your fame holding onto a mysterious identity, then, you’d surely know how to wiggle your trademark across in other ways.

If the British can glamorise Spice Girls, James Bond and Jaime Oliver, surely you are of no sweat to them. “

Etiquette versus Moral Studies

“I think moral studies and religion as a subject taught in schools should be abandoned, with social etiquette classes taking centrestage. Personal grooming, deportment, good housekeeping, mannerism and conduct will ensure decency, cleanliness and social comfort at all times. Whilst understanding customs and traditions of other races will benefit harmony better.”

– Kris Lee 2020.

Sexual Promiscuity and the Internet

“I think the internet has taken sexual promiscuity to a much higher level. The age of gigolos and mama-sans has succumbed to this almost invisible jackpot showcase that churns millions of assorted humanoids shifting through your screen like oranges falling from the sky within just a few clicks, without you making any raunchy effort to hide your ogle. It is a personal shopping experience of the most luscious level gushing across your iris and you don’t need to be at your personal best to connect.

In the midst of it all, it has also created scoundrels out of men of all shapes and sizes, colours, belief and status. Man that you thought was decent but mischievously deceptive, as they hunt for elixir outside the boundaries of their marital union, and many who hid their sexual innuendos in the pretext of scavenging for a healthy melty relationship. Surprisingly, these are the same people who wedge themselves comfortably in between genuine singles who do not lie nor deceive.

But why does the most successful decent looking husband with a loving wife and children would want to risk it all if one may ask? And successful smart woman were also being cheated everyday?

I think that nomadically, men has always been the hunter gatherer and because of that, the chase has always interest and excite them. What more the triumph and satisfaction of bringing their prized catch back home. Hence their uncontrollable fetish to hunt for flowers of the prettiest bloom.

I think ego and affirmation comes in close second, after years of being deduced from his stigmata of knighthood and gallantry, to that of a janitor and repairman by their partners.

Away from this league are those with uncontrollable urges for coitus, not like they have genuine worries of any kind, nor their egos bruised, the consequence of being side stepped by their partners expectations.

So, how women pick out these pearls from a cache full of peanuts is where relationship coaches took the first big bite out of dimwits, and the scammers who comes in a close second, happily fattening their wallets playing casanovas to these lonely hearts. For those who pays thousands of dollars for advice, still, not all are lucky. Many are still cheated by decent looking men, whilst the rest are still crowding around their personal computers.

But right now, one thing is for certain. As connectivity improves, the inbox will ring nonstop, thus, it is almost certain that women of today are getting much more adoration, admiration and attention than those living in the bygone era. It is abundance with a capital ‘A’ and no longer a ‘you dump me I have no one else to choose from’ game. Some has their ego hitting the roof that their once placid connectivity is now an oasis flustered with high quality lingeries waiting to line their wardrobes on their upcoming birthdays.

So what does this do to the world?

Well, it certainly gave the words lies, betrayal and deceit a proper place in the dictionary of discreet with lawyers busily wrangling for amicable settlements the world over. It has also become the number one avenue where women cheats. But somehow, women show more success in discreet whereas to the men, many got slapped.

And got slapped hard! “

-Kris Lee 2020.

Believe and Trust

One has to believe in a person before you can trust them. You can’t say I believe you, but I don’t trust you. Neither is it right to say that I trusted you, but I don’t believe you. That kind of statement is purely unacceptable.

Once upon a time in Victorian England

A newly commissioned, just posted cornet stands at attention in his splendid blue and gold Hussar uniform, and smartly salutes the colonel who has specially selected him to join his crack cavalry regiment.

‘At ease, dear boy’, smiles the colonel. ‘And for God’s sake, relax! We don’t stand on ceremony or spit and polish here… the troop sergeants drill the men, and we officers sleep in and have fun all day! Mondays we drink! We all head for the Mess, where we guzzle port, whiskey, champagne, wine, brandy, vodka- the lot until we’re completely blotto!’

‘Actually, Sir, I don’t drink.’

‘Ah. Well, Tuesdays, we gamble! We all head for the Mess, and play baccarat, pontoon, vingt-et-un, bridge, poker- huge stakes! Absolute fortunes have been won and lost at the turn of a card!’

‘Actually, Sir, I don’t gamble.’

‘Ah. Well… Wednesdays! You’ll love Wednesdays! We all head for the Mess, and have in a LOVELY selection of popsies! Gorgeous little tarts- all shapes, all sizes, all colours, all ages, all dressed in their frillies, and we…

‘‘Erm…Actually, Sir, I don’t like… using women in that fashion.’

‘Good God, my boy!’, says the colonel. ‘What are you, gay or something?’

‘Actually, Sir, no, I’m not.’

‘Ah’, says the colonel, shaking his head sadly. ‘ Well, in that case, you’re not going to like Thursdays much either.’

(Author Unknown)

Ceylonese Blood

A rich Arab Sheikh was admitted at a hospital in USA for a major surgery but prior to the surgery the doctors asked to store his blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found easily.

So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally a Ceylonese named Singam was located who had a similar type of blood.

Singam willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.

After the surgery, as appreciation for giving his blood the Sheikh sent Singam a new BMW, Gold, Diamonds, Lapiz Lazuli Jewellery, and a million Dirhams.

A few weeks later the Sheikh again had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Singam, who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Singam a thank you card . Singam was shocked to see that the Sheikh this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Sheikh and said ‘This time also I thought that you would give me car, jewelry and other expensive gifts, but you gave only a thank you card.

To this the Sheikh replied:

“Appu…. now I have Ceylonese blood in my veins!! What do you expect?_”

(Author Unknown)

Remove your clothes

Patel* : remove your clothes.

Wife* : Why Remove my clothes?

Patel* : Just do and come beside me on the bed.

Wife* :Okay they are off.

Patel* : Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.

Wife* : Please I am not in the mood.

Patel* : Just remove your panties and bra and stop all this your everyday “not in the mood story”!

Wife* : Okay they are off. What’s next?

Patel* : I just want you to help me count my money. Every time you help me count the money while your clothes are on, I always find shortages!!

(Author Unknown)

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charges £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts.

The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received £15000.

She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt.

Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Edinburgh.”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said.

”Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver you £15,000 inheritance in person.”

(Author Unknown)

Present Economy of Malaysia

*Employee*: *Boss, from tomorrow, I will go home at 6 pm sharp daily.*

*Boss*: *Why, what happened ?*

*Employee*: *Sir my Salary is not sufficient for me. I want to drive grab at night. I have to support my family.*

*Boss*: Ok. Go ahead . But, if you feel hungry at night, come to Bukit Bintang.

Employee : Why Sir ?

Boss: *I sell satay there*

(Author Unknown)

Lack of Vocabulary

A Priest used to keep chickens at his church.

One Evening , one cock from his lot went missing.

So, at evening mass, he asked : “Who has a Cock?”

All MEN got up!

Priest : “No no, I mean, who has seen a cock?”

All WOMEN got up!

Priest : ” No No , I Mean , who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”

Half the WOMEN Got up!

Priest : “For Heavens sake , who has seen my cock?”

*All NUNS got up!”

(Author Unknown)

Toilet paper please?

A Chinaman goes shopping in a supermarket in U.S.

He sees a promotion for cat food and picks a dozen cans.

The racist white manager who thinks Asians are uncivilized gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to show him his cat before he would let him buy cat food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a cat. He is allowed to buy the cat food.

The following week the Chinaman finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food.

The manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he can’t be having a dog and will probably feed dog food to his kids.

He asks the Chinaman to show him the dog before he would let him buy dog food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a dog and he gets to buy the dog food.

The following week, the Chinaman comes to the supermarket again, this time with a plastic bag.

He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing soft, wet and sticky and immediately pulls his hand out.

He shouts at the Chinaman, “What the hell… this is shit!”

The Chinaman calmly replies, “Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper please?”

(Author Unknown)

Why don’t we give it a try?

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.

She asks him: *”Hey old man, why don’t we give it a try?”*

He says: *”No girl, it is no longer possible for me.”*

Says the hooker: *”Come on, what have you to lose, we can give it a try!?”*

They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.

*”Oh my goodness”,* says the hooker, breathless, *”and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”*

Says the old man: *”Oh, screwing is still going well, it’s the paying that is no longer possible!!..”

(Author Unknown)

Christian Dog

A dog died and the owner took it to a Pastor. He asked the Pastor if he could organise a funeral service for the dead animal.

Pastor : No, we can’t hold a service for your dog in our church but there is a church down the street, maybe they will do it for you.

Man : But Pastor, will that church accept a donation of $1million??

The Pastor shouted, “O Lord ! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was a Christian ?

(Author Unknown)

Scrape Defence Budget

“Why keep the defence ministry when a single virus released through the air can be directed to attack a certain organ, a certain cell, or a certain age group? All your gallant decorations, fighter jets, guns and fighting men is altogether redundant when every soldier has to worry for himself than others he is fighting with. This world has changed. And every country running on a tight budget will now have a breather if defence budget is scraped.”

Politician

An old kampung imam had a teenage son. He thought it was about time he gave the boy some guide on choosing his future profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concern about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. The Holy Quran.

2. A fifty ringgit note.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old imam said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.”

“If it’s the holy book, he’s going to be an imam like me, and what a blessing that would be!”

“If he picks up the fifty ringgit note, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.”

“But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and God, what a shame that would be.”

“And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room….

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Holy Book and places it under his arm. He picked up the fifty ringgit note and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a gulp while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“God have mercy,” the old imam disgustedly whispered…. “He’s going to be a Politician!!

(Author unknown.)

Little Akio

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some History.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! — Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”

Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “Let’s try one a bit more difficult

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?”

Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F—k the Japs.”

“Who said that? — I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right! — Now who said that?”

Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? — Suck this!”

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit! — If you say anything else — I’ll kill you!”

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, We’re screwed!”

Little Akio said quietly, “The people of Malaysia, when Najib was made Prime Minister, March 2009!

(Author Unknown.)

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite’

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.

(Author Unknown)

Ai Hiam Bay Phnai

(Version in Hokkien)

Ai Hiam, Bay Phnai

Mai Hiam, Ay Sai

Bo Hiam, Bay Pang Sai

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(Version in English)

If you want to criticise, it looks alright actually

If you do not want to criticise, that is also possible

If you never criticise, you cannot shit.

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About this rhyme/ditty:~

This rhyme/ditty is commonly recited and it is meant to be dry humour. It usually revolves around the instance where a group of people of the opposite sex is assessing the physical attributes of someone from the opposite sex they encounter . It is a way of making the listener amused because you are neither directly praising nor criticising that person you are  talking about when you recite it. But as all Hokkien ditties usually ends in jest, the last line is comical in the sense that it can also be used in that instance to criticise a snob.

The author/owner has compiled for record, a collection of early Hokkien sayings, proverbs, rhymes and ditties to capture the essence and spirit of his hoi polloi, a community originating from the southern province of Fujian, China where individuals climbed aboard bum boats, crossing the South China Sea to settle in faraway lands to escape the brewing civil unrest and a way out from hardship carrying along with them in their journey, nothing except their trademark ponytails and their beliefs, very much rooted in Confucianism. These ditties retell their story and their lifestyle way back then so that the younger generation can gain an insight and foothold to their origin..

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Jit Si Bay Liam Lang

(Version in Hokkien)

Jit Si, Bay Sai Liam Lang

Arm Meh, Bay Sai Liam Kwee

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(Version in English)

In the day, do not gossip about others

In the evening,  do not talk about ghosts.

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About this rhyme/ditty:~

This rhyme/ditty seeks to remind the listener never to gossip about others because bad luck might befall them if the gossip falls into the wrong ears. Hence the metaphor, people and ghosts. In the early days, it is also believed that whatever is discussed at night might fall into the ears of ‘cheeky’ spirits whom may disrupt your entire plan, or in extreme cases, appear disguised as you, in your appointments. Imagine you are going out with someone else that appears to take the from of the person you are dating? In another instance this ditty is meant to be a saying said in jest, that when you are missing someone and that person suddenly appear right at that instance, in front of you.

The author/owner has compiled for record, a collection of early Hokkien sayings, proverbs, rhymes and ditties to capture the essence and spirit of his hoi polloi, a community originating from the southern province of Fujian, China where individuals climbed aboard bum boats, crossing the South China Sea to settle in faraway lands to escape the brewing civil unrest and a way out from hardship carrying along with them in their journey, nothing except their trademark ponytails and their beliefs, very much rooted in Confucianism. These ditties retell their story and their lifestyle way back then so that the younger generation can gain an insight and foothold to their origin..

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Why is your name Gates?

Bill Gates resigns as

Chairman of Microsoft after receiving the following letter from an African Man ..

“Dear Sir,

I haf some kweshin to ask:

Namba Wan – The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba Too – There is a ‘Start’ button but no ‘Stop’ button, where is it?

Namba Tree – I have already learned Microsoft Word, when will you launch Microsoft Sentence?

Namba Por – There is a recycle bin but… There is no one who comes to collect the bin.

Pynali ..eh fersonal question: Why is your name Gates when you sell Windows?”

(Author Unknown)

Free Meal

I went for a bowl of noodles when I saw a young man walked in and ordered two bowls of noodles.

He ate one bowl, and put the other bowl opposite him, and place besides the bowl, a pair of chopsticks.

The young man said to the empty seat: “It’s that time of the year again. You must be hungry. Go ahead and eat them!

While eating, he was talking and laughing with the empty seat facing him.

The boss was stunt, his scalp was numbed, and goose bumps started forming over his whole body. He reminded himself that today it the official day of the month of the Hungry Ghost.

When the noodles were almost finished, the young man said to the empty seat:

“I will buy two drinks next door and come back soon.”

The boss of the noodle shop, looking confused, watched as the young man walks out.

Five minutes passes by, then ten minutes, half an hour already passed. The young man still did not return.

When it was about time to close the stall, the young man still did not come back.

The boss looked at the empty seat, his hands trembling and said: “Hey., why hasn’t your friend come back?”

The lady boss who was also there all this while hit the boss’s head!

“You stupid fool!” she said. “That guy just conned you for a free meal!”

(Author Unknown)