*Muthu’s* salary was *$2000.* One month he received *$2200* and he kept quiet. The following month he received *$1,800* and he went straight to the HR Manager to complain.
The HR manager asked why he did not complain the previous month.
Muthu replied *”l normally forgive the first mistake but when you make a second mistake l do not tolerate”*
(Author Unknown)
A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.
Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide.
Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.
Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river.
However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, “If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I’ll resurrect your family.
However, if you fail to do that, I’ll eat you alive.”
The young boy agrees, and tries his best.
However, he soon gives up and the mermaid eats him.
At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead.
When he walks up to the river and sees his brother’s remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.
Grinning, he asks the mermaid, “What if you give up and died on me instead due to all that sex?”
Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies, ” You really think you can make love to me 20 times?”
Boy:
“How else do you think the goat died?”
(Author Unknown)
A doctor opens his clinic & pasted this notice outside the door:
“Any sickness, Rm300. Any sickness we can’t treat, YOU get back Rm1000!
A confidence trickster on reading this came in. He was so confident he could rip this doctor off. He said to the doctor, “Doctor, my tongue just can’t taste anything!” The doctor asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine on his tongue from box no. 22. The man spontaneously shouts: “What d ___ …its URINE!!
The doctor says “Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now!” The man was dumbfounded as he loses Rm300.
Two weeks later he is back to seek revenge and claim back what he had lost.
“Doc, I’ve lost my memory!” he said. Again, the doctor told the nurse, “Nurse, could you please put a few drops of medicine from Box no 22 onto his tongue?” The confidence trickster jumps up before the nurse could do so and said “Wait doc! but that medicine is for my sense of taste!” “Very well” doctor said, “Your memory is back!”
Moral of the story: Don’t try to over-smart doctors…
(Author Unknown)
A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”
Wife: “No, he won’t.”
Friend: “How do you know?”
The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”
The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!
After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!
So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.
The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”
(Author Unknown)
Norman and Barry got married in California.
They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,
he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, ‘No’.
Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’
Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ‘
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’
His mom says, ‘No.’
He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘OK, now tell me what you think.’
He says: ‘Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’
(Author Unknown)
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
She couldn’t overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said.
“If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold! My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, ‘Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..’
… Well the moral of this story is:
“Always keep your condoms in your car”.
(Author Unknown)
A Husband Shopping Center just opened where women could just walked in and pick up a husband from amongst the many available there. It is laid out in five floors, each floor categorized with men of different attributes. However, there is one catch. If you do not choose a man from that floor, but wishes to ascend higher to try your luck, you cannot descend again except to exit the building. One woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the signboard says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman reads the sign. ‘Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?’
So up she goes.
The second floor signage says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
‘Hmm better.’ says the woman. ‘But, I wonder what’s further up?’
The third floor signage reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and helps with the housework.
‘Wow!,’ says the woman, ‘Very tempting. BUT, there must be better ones further up!’
So again, she goes up.
On the fourth floor the signage reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, helps with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
‘Oh, mercy me! But just think…what must be awaiting me on the last floor?
So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The signage on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.
(Author Unknown)
Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will. His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.
“So”, he says to them:
“Lingam, I want you to take over the Jalan Duta houses…”
“Saraswathy, take over the apartments in Kota Damansara Place…”
“Jega, I want you to take over the offices in KL Sentral.”
“Letchumi, my dear wife, you can take over all the residential buildings in Bangsar.”
The nurse is amazed by all this, and as Ramasamy passes away, she says, “Mrs. Letchumi, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to be able to own all these properties.”
Letchumi replied, “Nonono! He delivers newspapers to all these places & now we have to take over and deliver newspapers to all these places lah…”
(Author Unknown )
Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
“What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What’s it tell you, Tonto?’
“You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole our tent.”
(Author Unknown)
Grief is a state of loss. An emotional upheaval that one feels beit over a divorce, loss of job, death of a loved one. It manifests in 7 stages, some experts argued 5- but it all depends on our equilibrium, our attachment to that party, the circumstances that brought about the loss, and the severity inflicted by the tragedy. The various stages are sequential but rubbery, with no affixed period, and an aggrieved party may sail across, mixing up or skipping some stages in between, and recover in no time at all. The 7 stages are: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and finally, acceptance. But to ride through grief, one must know firstly how grief happens.
Religion has been the pinnacle of mankind. It is responsible for our lifestyle, the constant unrest between nations, civic consciousness, moral conduct and governance. It shapes us to become who and what we are today. However, what most people overlooked is the well known mantra of ‘Giving more so that one could receive.’ An extreme example would be “If anyone slaps you on your right cheek, offer him your left also.” Deep, mysterious parable that is. But a powerful one. That is another topic of discussion altogether.
Giving is an act of love, and giving begins with one being emphatic, generous, happy, caring, or simply, being dutiful. No one will give to their enemies where love doesn’t co-exist. And the more you love someone, the more you will give.
But taking or receiving is inevitable. Taking begins with the suckling of our mothers breasts, till one receives education, and finally when one is fit to take on the world. That dependence comes from one’s natural parents, guardians or sponsors. It is this constant state of receiving that one can mistakenly inherit the dogma of entitlement, thus quite often, a receiver will never know when to give back. Even after they grow into successful adults. Sometimes they defer their plans, others went chasing after rainbows. As a result, their caregivers are neglected because giving is not reciprocated. Until that fateful moment of loss arrives.
The receiver is then confronted with guilt, regret, denial , blaming oneself, the “ifs” I were to do this and that, the longing to do more which they did not initiate when their loved ones is still alive, because there exists an imbalance between giving and receiving. If one would have given enough or more than one receives, grief is short lived. But that is a natural frailty of man. To put off affirmations, praises, visits, giving of gifts. All these can be taught, but never will they ever be fully executed.
But managing grief is entirely different. The rites encountered in certain religions helps the aggrieved to let go. They are the hidden gems subtly designed with human emotions in mind. This if one could afford to, a full rite is better than half-baked ones. The action of burning incense is letting go, the serving of meals and drinks and the giving away of sweets to well wishers is letting go, the throwing of gluttonous rice, the offering of candles, the placing of wreathes and flowers on the casket, the singing of hymns, the shouting of mantras, the placing of bones into urns, throwing flowers into the pit, these rituals were all designed with giving in mind. If one couldn’t afford to, the giving away of the deceased possessions to the poor and underprivileged is another way of letting go. And when one gives, one will gradually let go. And the more one let go, the natural progression lightens our heart to recovery.
So it is right to say that hidden beneath all religions, beit right or wrong, our forefathers whom has designed all these sacred rites and mantras had us in mind. To help us heal.
This Pandemic is mild. Its death rate, tiny. But it spreads quick, and its effects on our lungs, can lead to disastrous complications. Because of that, earthlings began to observe newer habits, just to avoid contacting it. Still, there are many superheroes out there whose ears still hear nothing, and their freedom, not negotiable. If the world could come together, and endure a 30 days total lockdown in every corner of our world , something like an ‘Earth Hour’, can we overcome the problems all at once? Let’s named it ‘COVID 30’. But can UN unite with WHO and world leaders to have an EGM to agree on this common fight? And stop the fattening of wallets of hand sanitizers and face mask producers so we could unmask ourselves again?
Let us imagine, what if something deadlier is concocted into our atmosphere in the near future, whilst this pandemic remains. But one that is not as easily shirked off. Isn’t that a confirmation that biological and chemical warfare is out there blooming now? With viruses coded to attack specifically only on the organs it was programmed or designed to attack?
Because of that, scientists should focus on developing tablets or aerosol sprays that when consumed or applied, seeps into our skin and forms a protective sheen rather than wasting enormous budgets on developing defence and iron domes that can only deflect weapons, but still renders humanoids helpless to vulnerable chemicals and viruses? Wouldn’t that be better than zipping ourselves in two inches thick suits when the real defence is only concentrated between our noses, eyes, mouth and our skin?
Think about it.
To know if a person is charmed (In Hokkien’Tiok Kong Thau’), experienced mediums or deliverers will look into the victims pupil and observe its dilation and sheen.
To confirm his suspicion , he will make the suspect crawl under fishing nets left basking at the beach during sunrise or make him cross a river. For it was said that evil spirits wouldn’t cross a river or sea, and so are charms.
For if a person can do that with ease, that means he/she is not suffering from some kind of charm or possession. Evil spirits will also get themselves trapped in the net and so are charms, therefore the possessed will refuse to crawl beneath them. That is the reason why fishing nets has always been part of the accoutrement found above door entrances in shophouses, besides the more popular pakua ‘Eight trigrams’ used in Taoist rituals that has a curve mirror smacked in the centre of it.
If a person is found charmed, the medium or bomoh will first search for the ‘opening’, a gateway where the charm enters from, and then determine the origin of the charm inflicting him. That opening is usually an object left in the garden or main door of the home of that person charmed. Without that gateway, the charm cannot enter the home and attack the person. Evil spirits can also enter homes through other means, like sneaking under umbrellas for instance, which is also another reason why locals shun carrying open umbrellas when they enter into their own houses at night, whilst our fellow Malay friends washes their feet before entering.
The openings or gateway are usually claypots wrapped in cloth left perched in between branches of a tree. Inside the pot, depending on the severity of the infliction, were found rusty nails, amongst other things. The colour of the cloth will also determine where the charm originates from. That will direct the medium to the source if he needs to seek aid, if the charm is too powerful hence refuses to leave that person. A yellow cloth is left by a Chinese shaman, the red, by the Thais, and the black, the Malays. So it was believed that the most fearful charms comes from the Thais.
When they are found, the medium will then perform some incantations, climb up the tree, and dislodge it by the kick of his feet. The act of kicking or knocking it down with the feet is sacred, for if hands were used, the charm will also enter the medium when he picks it up. Other than football, our feet cannot pick up things.
Hence the old wives tale of shunning the idea of picking up things left on the roadside not meant for you.
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating durians. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small stall and the odor of durians was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the stall and before I knew it, I had consumed three large fruits. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The durians I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like half a ton of dried salted fish.
I fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking garbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
‘Happy Birthday!’!!
I nearly died!!!
(Author Unknown)
The only real solution to this flood problem is elevating all low lying terrains much higher above the highest recorded flood level of that area as well as replacing and elevating all our existing drains and culverts. Something Singapore did many many years ago with some areas being forced to landfill to as much as two meters higher than the existing road level. As Penangites, we must readily admit that flooding not only occurs during heavy rain, but also whenever a high tide occurs. It so happens that nowadays, a phenomena like a high tide actually raises our sea level to meet the level of our existing drains therefore the backflow. The seawater gushes in while at the same time rainwater wanted to gush out, both looking for an outlet thus they collide. And it is not because Francis light and his entire entourage intended it to be this way but because global warming has drastically raised the sea level, the same reason why all our sandy beaches are being eaten up slowly by the sea from Gurney Drive till Batu Feringghi and beyond. And it is not about leaves and rubbish clogging the drains as some would like to blame it on. I’m just revisiting architecture in all its common sense glory.”
Kris Lee 2018.
“But herein lies a bigger problem. Global warming has eaten up most lands surrounding our archipelago. It was claimed that Java itself will lose 50 percent of its land mass within 50 years. And Singapore has built and already tested its billion dollars tide arresting mechanism.
Sophisticated embankments to flush out the phenomenon of the rising tides needs immediate attention unless roads, residential houses and massive buildings sacrifices one storey each of their podium for refill. Is that possible? Yes it is. But where can we find the sand needed?
Over in our country, certain states has an annual flood scare during the monsoon season. And all the government cares about is to allow for stilt houses and sampans for the last fifty years. Seems to me that we are going to be another Venice in fifty years if our annual budget consistently goes to the building of faith rather than building embankments of hope.”
– Kris Lee 2020.
The only real solution to this flood problem is elevating all low lying terrains much higher above the highest recorded flood level of that area as well as replacing and elevating all our existing drains and culverts. Something Singapore did many many years ago with some areas being forced to landfill to as much as two meters higher than the existing road level. As Penangites, we must readily admit that flooding not only occurs during heavy rain, but also whenever a high tide occurs. It so happens that nowadays, a phenomenon like a high tide actually raises our sea level to meet the level of our existing drains therefore the backflow. The seawater gushes in while at the same time rainwater wanted to gush out, both looking for an outlet this they collide. And it is not because Francis light and his entire entourage intended it to be this way but because global warming has drastically raised the sea level, the same reason why all our sandy beaches are being eaten up slowly by the sea from Gurney Drive till Batu Feringghi and beyond. And it is not about leaves and rubbish clogging the drains as some would like to blame it on. I’m just revisiting architecture in all its common sense glory.
“The US presidential election matters to the whole world. Because they’re ruthlessly still is the world’s largest economy. Their foreign direct investment policy dictates how the world moves and run. Trump is poor in that. That wall he wants to build is a bloop. Deporting foreigners is again a bloop. But a large fraction still believes in him. America chose him then, because all Barack did was talk, talk and talk. Also, there were no other candidates left to choose from. After Trump’s win, Barack craftily shifts the blame to Trump to distract others for his non performance. If Biden wins, it is not a triumph for Obama. But Obama will certainly ride on it. And Biden will have lots of shit to wipe. Biden needs to win back the trust from the whole world. Right now, democracy doesn’t work for the US. The republic system is better. But they can give Trump a miss. I can give Trump a point for what he has made himself to be. But certainly not as president and certainly not on foreign policy. In foreign policy, Clinton is still by far the better one.
America can certainly afford a fresh face.”
My two cents.”
Stop getting concern and anxious over all the news circulating online. That won’t help eliminate the virus. Neither is you daily activity or inactivity. Rather, practicing good habits does. Wash hands regularly, wear masks, social distance yourself.
The infected needs to be quarantined. Not you and me. Life must go on as usual, but don’t forget our good habits. If we begin turning our daily activity into inactivity, first, the streets will go dead. Then the economy will go bust. When that happens, starvation will kill you faster than the virus could.
If we are asked to clock in, we must be required to clock out also. Otherwise each time a bloke is called in because he is tested positive, everyone everywhere he made an appearance at needs to be called in. Isn’t that silly? Imagine the whole shopping center crowd including sales assistants or a full running hospital needs to be called in?
You waste precious time contact tracing, and you waste doctors and nurses man hours besides tests kits. So much for my beloved government . How our government comes out with the Covid case numbers to warrant a lockdown is beyond me. However what is not beyond me is that the number of cases reported daily spikes way beyond what is circulated online amongst my friends.
“When someone is infected, the gaffmen only needs to refer to the data on the whereabouts as compiled by mysejahtera app. Discourage physical sign in and discourage other contact tracing apps. That way, you are in control. That way, you don’t need to waste precious time interviewing those whom are tested positive. Let mysejahtera be the only contact tracing source for everybody. If you can’t control this, stop convincing us that you can run this country. Clearly you can’t. When the figures are rising. Not unless you want to justify the need to call for an emergency to proof our king wrong. That is mischievous.”
– Kris Lee 2020.
fiveloaf 