Knot Hold

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”

(Author Unknown)

So Easy

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

(Author Unknown)

Why Attach It

Karen is trying very hard to get an answer from train conductor.

“Sir, what is the least safest wagon on this train?”

“All of our wagons are safe.” He responds.

“No sir, one must be worst than the others. What is the Least safest wagon on this train?”

“Again, I couldn’t really tell you, all of the wagons are very safe” he responds impatiently.

“You don’t understand, I have a fear of trains, I demand to know which wagon is the least safe so I could avoid it”

“I see, well if I had to guess, I would say the last wagon is the least safest” he responds with conviction.

Karen thinks for few seconds, “So if the last wagon is the least safe. Why do you attach it?”

(Author Unknown)

Genie In a Bottle

PART I
Three men were stranded in the desert-an American, an Italian and a Chinese. As luck would have it, they found a bottle with liquid inside it. As they were rubbing it clean, out a genie appears and granted each of them three wishes. The American went first. He asked for money and money appears in his hand. Being greedy, he again asked for more more money and true enough, more more money appears. At last he thought to himself that he should be back in America instead of being stranded in the desert so he wished for that. His wish was granted.
It was the Italians turn. First he wish for a beautiful women and truly, a beautiful women appears. He then wanted a women far more beautiful than this one and wow! a women exceedingly more beautiful than the first one appears! He grinned himself silly then thought that its time to go back to Italy with two beautiful ladies and in a poof, he was sent back to Italy!
Now it is the turn of the Chinese. Being a simple man, first he ask for a wet towel to keep himself cool. The weather was hot and dry and true enough, a towel appears in his hand! He then ask for a bottle of chinese wine and within seconds, a bottle of chinese wine appears in his hand. Then he thought to himself now who is going to share that bottle with him? So he ask for his two desert companions back, the American and that Italian…

PART II
Again they were all stranded and again as luck would have it, they found yet another bottle and again another genie appears. This genie told them that because he is not that powerful, he can only grant each of them two wishes instead of three. Not wanting to be victimised by that callous Chinese again, both the American and the Italian insisted that the Chinese should start first. After much haggling, the Chinese obliged. Being thirsty and dry in the desert, he desires for another bottle of chinese wine. The genie granted him. Then he thought to himself and being a simple man he was, he reckon there is nothing more that he needed so, he sent the genie back into the bottle.
END.

(Author Unknown)

Thanksgiving

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” means. They explained to him that that means “ladies” and “gentlemen.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, “Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

(Author Unknown)

Fish Hook

Indian Salesman !!!
A keen immigrant Indian boy applied for a salesman’s job at one of London ‘s premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?” “Yes sir, I was a salesman in India “, replied the boy.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“Sir, Just one sale.” said the young salesman.
“Only ONE sale?” blurted the boss.
“No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
“If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale.
By the way “How much was the sale worth?” “300534.00 pounds” said the young Indian.
“What?”, ” How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well”, said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he’d be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he’ll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we’re at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!”
“No” answered the salesman,
“he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, “Sir, your weekend’s screwed anyway. You might as well go fishing.”
Boss – “Here, you can have my chair…….”.

(Author Unknown)

Dam Fish

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

(Author Unknown)

The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me one condom? I am going to my girlfriend’s home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
The pharmacist handed him one and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, “Give me another. My girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too”.
So the pharmacist gave him a second condom and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me, she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!”
During dinner, the young man was sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and started praying, “Dear lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.”
A minute later the boy is still praying, thanking the lord for his kindness.
Ten minutes went by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others looked at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious”.
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

(Author Unknown)

God Im Coming

Five year old Tabitha walks up to her Mummy one day whilst she was washing the dishes. She points directly at her mum’s tits and asks what they are for.

Mummy is taken by surprise. She wasn’t expecting this conversation for some while so she was a tad unprepared. So she says the first thing that comes into her head.

“Well,” she says, “these are my balloons, right?. Now then, if for some sad reason I die, Daddy can blow up my balloons so that I may float away to heaven. D’you see?”

Tabitha seems to accept this and goes away. Mummy congratulates herself on her quick-wittedness.

This smug feeling lasts just one week.

One afternoon Tabitha bursts into the kitchen really distraught.

“Mummy, Mummy! Come quickly. It’s the Au pair girl. I think she is dying!!!”

“Whatever do you mean?” asks Mummy rapidly drying her hands.

“D..D..Daddy is on top of her an’.. an’ he’s holding her down while he blows up her balloons.” stumbles little Tabitha, “an.. an.. an’ she’s shouting “GOD I’M COMING”.

(Author Unknown)

Another Asshole

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

(Author Unknown)

Tongs

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??

The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,

He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.

The Man says :-

“It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food”..

The Shop Man says :-

“Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand”..

He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man’s Trousers and asks :-

“What is that Piece of String for”..???

The Shop Man says :-

“When I need a Pee I just pull on the String and it Pops Out”..

“That’s OK” Says the man.

“But how do you put it Back”..???

“That’s No Problem”, says the Shop Man.

“I just Use the TONGS”..

(Author Unknown)

Sitting In This Wardrobe

This guy hears a rumour that his wife is having an affair with another guy. So one day he comes home early to catch her out.

Sure enough there’s a strange car in the drive. He slams open the door in a rage, stomps up the stairs, barges into the bedroom to see his wife naked in bed, alone.

“OK – where is he ? “ He shouts , looking around, eyes bulging in fury.

“ Who darling? “ she asks innocently.

Suddenly he hears a noise outside. Looking out of the window he sees a guy walking away from the house. In an apoplectic rage he picks up the wardrobe and hurls it through the window, glass and all, hitting the fellow below and crushing him to the ground. His wife shrieks in fury , grabs a heavy table lamp and smashes him over the head. He falls down senseless.

Waking up in the hospital emergency ward, bandaged , bruised and with the worst headache ever, he looked around. On his left is a fellow in terrible shape. Bandaged head, broken arm, leg in traction.

“What happened to you?” he asks

“Well, I was minding my own business just walking along the street when some maniac threw a heavy wardrobe out of a window onto my head! If I ever catch that guy I’m gonna kill him!”

He looks away guiltily.

On his right is another guy in even worse shape. 2 broken arms, 2 broken legs, bandaged head plasma drip, the lot.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“Well I was just sitting in this wardrobe……

(Author Unknown)

Dont Step On The Duck

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
She says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

(Author Unknown)

Suck The Venom Out

Two friend, Paul and Jimmy, are taking a hike in the woods on a hot summer’s day. They come across a pond and decide they are going to cool off. No one is around so the strip down and jump in. After about 5 minutes, Jimmy screams out in agony. “What’s the matter, Jimmy?” Paul asks. Jimmy cries, “I think I got bit by a snake!” They get out of the pool and Paul asks, “Where did it bite you?” Jimmy says, “On my dick!” Paul looks down and sure enough, there are fang marks on Jimmy’s dick. “What do we do?” asks Paul. “Call 911! Call 911”, yells Jimmy. Luckily for them, they are in range so Paul calls 911 on his cell. “My friend just got bit by a snake and we don’t know what to do!”, Paul tells the operator. “Well, the only thing you can do is to suck the venom out,” the operator says. Paul is taken aback. “Is there no other way? What happens if we can’t do that?” The operator says, “Well, if the snake was poisonous, then your friend is going to die.” Paul is dejected. He can’t believe what he has to do. “What did 911 say?” Jimmy asks, still agonizing in pain. Paul says, “They say you’re going to die.”

(Author Unknown)

Get your own blanket

A priest and a nun were on their way home from a weekend sabbatical when their car broke down.

It was too late to have it repaired so they had to spend the night at a hotel.

Unfortunately the hotel had only one room available but since it had two beds, they decided that it would be okay to share it.

After they’d turned in for the night the nun said to the priest, “You know what Father, I’m really cold -could you get me another blanket from the closet?”

The Father got up, retrieved the blanket, placed it over the nun, and got back into his bed.

About 10 minutes later the nun said “You’re not gonna believe this Father, but I’m still really cold. Could you possibly get me another blanket from the closet?”

The priest gets up, retrieves a blanket, places it over the nun, and gets back into his bed.

About 10 minutes later the nun says “I don’t know how to tell you this Father, but I’m still really cold. So for just one night could we possibly pretend that we’re married and share the same bed? There’d be no funny business or anything -it would just be warmer that way and I wouldn’t have to keep bothering you for blankets.”

In the interest of getting some sleep the priest agreed to pretend that they were married and they got into the same bed together.

About 10 minutes later the nun says “I really hate to tell you this Father, but I’m still feeling cold. Is there anyway you possibly get me just one more blanket from the closet?”

And the priest replies “We’re married, get your own blanket!”

(Author unknown)