Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.

He thought about a life-size sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t really know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…” and then he stopped.

“Except what?,” asked the businessman.

“Nothing. Nothing.” said the old man.

“Come on! Tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick’,” said the old man.

“So what’s up with this ‘voodoo dick’” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

“But you haven’t seen what it will do yet,” said the old man. He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo dick the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.

The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick get back in your box!”

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo, and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.

She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the ‘voodoo dick’. She got it out and said, “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help her. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a ‘voodoo dick’ was stuck in her pussy and wouldn’t stop screwing her.

The officer looked at her for a second and then said, “Yea, right. ‘Voodoo dick’ my ass.”

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”
Wife: “No, he won’t.”
Friend: “How do you know?”
The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”
The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!
After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!
So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.
The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

-Author Unknown

Whose God is Mightier

A Catholic, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing about whose God is mightier.

The Catholic said: “Once I went out to see and a storm began suddenly. The boat got upside down and the next moment I was swimming struggling for my life. Then, I started to pray from the bottom of my heart and a miracle happend: A mile around me the water calmed down and I could swim easy and safely to the shore. Our Lord is the most powerful of all!”

The Muslim said: “Once I was crossing the desert with my caravan and a sand storm came out of nowhere. All the people, camels and merchandise got swallowed by sand and I started to pray with all my power and suddenly a mile around me everything got silent and smooth… Allah is the greatest!”

The Jew said: “Once I was going to the synagogue and I saw a wallet full of dollars lying on the pavement… I wanted to pick it up, but it was Sabbath and it would have been such a sin… So, I prayed hard and a miracle happened. A mile around me it became Wednesday! Yahweh is the mightiest of all!”

– Author Unknown

Jewish Bra

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?

He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.

“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?”

“A Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

(Author Unknown)

Knot Hold

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”

(Author Unknown)

So Easy

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

(Author Unknown)

Why Attach It

Karen is trying very hard to get an answer from train conductor.

“Sir, what is the least safest wagon on this train?”

“All of our wagons are safe.” He responds.

“No sir, one must be worst than the others. What is the Least safest wagon on this train?”

“Again, I couldn’t really tell you, all of the wagons are very safe” he responds impatiently.

“You don’t understand, I have a fear of trains, I demand to know which wagon is the least safe so I could avoid it”

“I see, well if I had to guess, I would say the last wagon is the least safest” he responds with conviction.

Karen thinks for few seconds, “So if the last wagon is the least safe. Why do you attach it?”

(Author Unknown)

Genie In a Bottle

PART I
Three men were stranded in the desert-an American, an Italian and a Chinese. As luck would have it, they found a bottle with liquid inside it. As they were rubbing it clean, out a genie appears and granted each of them three wishes. The American went first. He asked for money and money appears in his hand. Being greedy, he again asked for more more money and true enough, more more money appears. At last he thought to himself that he should be back in America instead of being stranded in the desert so he wished for that. His wish was granted.
It was the Italians turn. First he wish for a beautiful women and truly, a beautiful women appears. He then wanted a women far more beautiful than this one and wow! a women exceedingly more beautiful than the first one appears! He grinned himself silly then thought that its time to go back to Italy with two beautiful ladies and in a poof, he was sent back to Italy!
Now it is the turn of the Chinese. Being a simple man, first he ask for a wet towel to keep himself cool. The weather was hot and dry and true enough, a towel appears in his hand! He then ask for a bottle of chinese wine and within seconds, a bottle of chinese wine appears in his hand. Then he thought to himself now who is going to share that bottle with him? So he ask for his two desert companions back, the American and that Italian…

PART II
Again they were all stranded and again as luck would have it, they found yet another bottle and again another genie appears. This genie told them that because he is not that powerful, he can only grant each of them two wishes instead of three. Not wanting to be victimised by that callous Chinese again, both the American and the Italian insisted that the Chinese should start first. After much haggling, the Chinese obliged. Being thirsty and dry in the desert, he desires for another bottle of chinese wine. The genie granted him. Then he thought to himself and being a simple man he was, he reckon there is nothing more that he needed so, he sent the genie back into the bottle.
END.

(Author Unknown)

Thanksgiving

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” means. They explained to him that that means “ladies” and “gentlemen.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, “Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

(Author Unknown)

Fish Hook

Indian Salesman !!!
A keen immigrant Indian boy applied for a salesman’s job at one of London ‘s premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?” “Yes sir, I was a salesman in India “, replied the boy.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“Sir, Just one sale.” said the young salesman.
“Only ONE sale?” blurted the boss.
“No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
“If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale.
By the way “How much was the sale worth?” “300534.00 pounds” said the young Indian.
“What?”, ” How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well”, said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he’d be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he’ll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we’re at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!”
“No” answered the salesman,
“he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, “Sir, your weekend’s screwed anyway. You might as well go fishing.”
Boss – “Here, you can have my chair…….”.

(Author Unknown)

Dam Fish

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

(Author Unknown)

The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me one condom? I am going to my girlfriend’s home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
The pharmacist handed him one and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, “Give me another. My girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too”.
So the pharmacist gave him a second condom and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me, she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!”
During dinner, the young man was sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and started praying, “Dear lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.”
A minute later the boy is still praying, thanking the lord for his kindness.
Ten minutes went by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others looked at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious”.
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

(Author Unknown)

God Im Coming

Five year old Tabitha walks up to her Mummy one day whilst she was washing the dishes. She points directly at her mum’s tits and asks what they are for.

Mummy is taken by surprise. She wasn’t expecting this conversation for some while so she was a tad unprepared. So she says the first thing that comes into her head.

“Well,” she says, “these are my balloons, right?. Now then, if for some sad reason I die, Daddy can blow up my balloons so that I may float away to heaven. D’you see?”

Tabitha seems to accept this and goes away. Mummy congratulates herself on her quick-wittedness.

This smug feeling lasts just one week.

One afternoon Tabitha bursts into the kitchen really distraught.

“Mummy, Mummy! Come quickly. It’s the Au pair girl. I think she is dying!!!”

“Whatever do you mean?” asks Mummy rapidly drying her hands.

“D..D..Daddy is on top of her an’.. an’ he’s holding her down while he blows up her balloons.” stumbles little Tabitha, “an.. an.. an’ she’s shouting “GOD I’M COMING”.

(Author Unknown)

Another Asshole

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

(Author Unknown)

Tongs

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??

The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,

He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.

The Man says :-

“It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food”..

The Shop Man says :-

“Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand”..

He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man’s Trousers and asks :-

“What is that Piece of String for”..???

The Shop Man says :-

“When I need a Pee I just pull on the String and it Pops Out”..

“That’s OK” Says the man.

“But how do you put it Back”..???

“That’s No Problem”, says the Shop Man.

“I just Use the TONGS”..

(Author Unknown)

Sitting In This Wardrobe

This guy hears a rumour that his wife is having an affair with another guy. So one day he comes home early to catch her out.

Sure enough there’s a strange car in the drive. He slams open the door in a rage, stomps up the stairs, barges into the bedroom to see his wife naked in bed, alone.

“OK – where is he ? “ He shouts , looking around, eyes bulging in fury.

“ Who darling? “ she asks innocently.

Suddenly he hears a noise outside. Looking out of the window he sees a guy walking away from the house. In an apoplectic rage he picks up the wardrobe and hurls it through the window, glass and all, hitting the fellow below and crushing him to the ground. His wife shrieks in fury , grabs a heavy table lamp and smashes him over the head. He falls down senseless.

Waking up in the hospital emergency ward, bandaged , bruised and with the worst headache ever, he looked around. On his left is a fellow in terrible shape. Bandaged head, broken arm, leg in traction.

“What happened to you?” he asks

“Well, I was minding my own business just walking along the street when some maniac threw a heavy wardrobe out of a window onto my head! If I ever catch that guy I’m gonna kill him!”

He looks away guiltily.

On his right is another guy in even worse shape. 2 broken arms, 2 broken legs, bandaged head plasma drip, the lot.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“Well I was just sitting in this wardrobe……

(Author Unknown)

Dont Step On The Duck

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
She says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

(Author Unknown)

Suck The Venom Out

Two friend, Paul and Jimmy, are taking a hike in the woods on a hot summer’s day. They come across a pond and decide they are going to cool off. No one is around so the strip down and jump in. After about 5 minutes, Jimmy screams out in agony. “What’s the matter, Jimmy?” Paul asks. Jimmy cries, “I think I got bit by a snake!” They get out of the pool and Paul asks, “Where did it bite you?” Jimmy says, “On my dick!” Paul looks down and sure enough, there are fang marks on Jimmy’s dick. “What do we do?” asks Paul. “Call 911! Call 911”, yells Jimmy. Luckily for them, they are in range so Paul calls 911 on his cell. “My friend just got bit by a snake and we don’t know what to do!”, Paul tells the operator. “Well, the only thing you can do is to suck the venom out,” the operator says. Paul is taken aback. “Is there no other way? What happens if we can’t do that?” The operator says, “Well, if the snake was poisonous, then your friend is going to die.” Paul is dejected. He can’t believe what he has to do. “What did 911 say?” Jimmy asks, still agonizing in pain. Paul says, “They say you’re going to die.”

(Author Unknown)

Get your own blanket

A priest and a nun were on their way home from a weekend sabbatical when their car broke down.

It was too late to have it repaired so they had to spend the night at a hotel.

Unfortunately the hotel had only one room available but since it had two beds, they decided that it would be okay to share it.

After they’d turned in for the night the nun said to the priest, “You know what Father, I’m really cold -could you get me another blanket from the closet?”

The Father got up, retrieved the blanket, placed it over the nun, and got back into his bed.

About 10 minutes later the nun said “You’re not gonna believe this Father, but I’m still really cold. Could you possibly get me another blanket from the closet?”

The priest gets up, retrieves a blanket, places it over the nun, and gets back into his bed.

About 10 minutes later the nun says “I don’t know how to tell you this Father, but I’m still really cold. So for just one night could we possibly pretend that we’re married and share the same bed? There’d be no funny business or anything -it would just be warmer that way and I wouldn’t have to keep bothering you for blankets.”

In the interest of getting some sleep the priest agreed to pretend that they were married and they got into the same bed together.

About 10 minutes later the nun says “I really hate to tell you this Father, but I’m still feeling cold. Is there anyway you possibly get me just one more blanket from the closet?”

And the priest replies “We’re married, get your own blanket!”

(Author unknown)

Three Nuns

Three nuns sitting together chatting.
The first nun says to the second nun “ you won’t believe what I found in the father’s desk drawer!”
“What was it?” the second nun asks..
“It was a magazine full of pictures of naked women!” The first nun explained.
“What did you do?” The second nun asks.
“ I just closed the drawer and walked out.” Said the first nun.
Then the second nun says quietly “you won’t believe what I found in the father’s bottom drawer!”
The first nun says “what,what did you find?”
“ I found a whole bag full of condoms!!” The second nun answers.
“Well what did you do then?” Asks the first nun.
“ I poked a hole in every one with a needle!!” The second nun exclaimed..
That’s when the third nun said worriedly “oh shit..”

– Author Unknown

It was delicious

A New Yorker had an elderly mother on the West Coast. She lived alone and would frequently mention to her son that she was lonely. One day, the son entered a pet shop in Manhattan and told the owner that he needed a pet that would be good “company” for his lonely, older mother.
“Have I got the pet for you!” exclaimed the owner, “It’s a beautiful parrot that speaks five languages! He’s so entertaining, she’ll never be lonely.” “I’ll take it!” said the son, as the owner assured him that he could have it safely shipped across country.

A week passed, and the son was eager to hear how his mother was enjoying his gift. He called and after pleasantries, asked if his surprise had arrived. “Oh, yes, it arrived safely “ she assured him. “Well, how did you like it?” he asked. “It was delicious!” she replied.

“Delicious!?!, you ate that parrot? Mom, that bird could speak five languages!”

“Well, he should’ve said something.”

(Author Unknown)

UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered.

“Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been

working here for six years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means

‘Unleaded Fuel Only.'”

(Author Unknown)

Jesus Is a Doberman

A burglar breaks into a house on the richer side of town. Certain that there is nobody home. He searches for the most likely place to find a safe and he enters. Just as he does, he hears a voice. “I can see you and Jesus can see you”.

He stops in his tracks and stays perfectly still. He doesn’t budge and waits for several minutes. The voice repeats, “I can see you and Jesus can see you.” He carefully takes out his flashlight and shines a ting beam around. He sees a birdcage and inside is a parrot. “Did you say that”?” he asks the parrot. The parrot says again, “I can see you and Jesus can see you”. “Hah! So what. You’re just a parrot”.

“I might be just a parrot” replies the bird, “But Jesus is a Doberman!”

(Author Unknown)

The Great Archaelogists

A team of Archeologists came upon a cave.

Written on the wall of the cave, from left to right were the following symbols :

A woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were more than three thousands years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree upon as the meaning of the markings.

The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said :

“This look like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey. So, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further truth of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, whereby their crops didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. “

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, “ I’m glad to see that you are all in the full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “ I object to very word.

The explanation of what the writings says is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to write .. ….

Now, look again .. .. it now says :

“Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on the Woman. “

(Author Unknown)

Winking

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your resume, I can see that you’re more than qualified”, says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you”, adds the interviewer.

“But wait”, says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking”.

“Then show me”, replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great. You stopped winking”, says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country”.

“What do you mean?”, asks the man. “I’m happily married”.

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that”, sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”…

(Author Unknown)

Mailman ate him

Little Tommy walks in on his parents having sex, and asks his dad, “Dad, why are you on top of Mommy?” and the dad says, “Well Tommy, remember when you said you wanted a little brother? I’m putting the baby into Mommy!”

A couple of weeks later Tommy is crying, and his dad says, “Tommy, why are you crying?”, and Tommy says, “I’m not gonna have a little brother!”

The dad says, “But don’t you remember, you saw me putting the baby into Mommy?”, and Tommy says, “Yes, but yesterday morning, the mailman ate him!”

(Author Unknown)

Quickie

A young man was tucking his shirt in after a quickie in the back seat with a girl he’d recently met. He felt a little contrite and said to her, Gee, if I’d known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. The girl: Really?? If I’d known you would have taken more time, I would have taken my panty hose off.

(Author Unknown)

Abusing trust

“Most women teaches their female friends to always be on guard throughout their nuptial ties so that they do become a victim of betrayal, if it ever does happen.
To me, that only means that you probably don’t know what love is about or ever truly loved your partner, with all the mistrust that is happening.
Now why do I say so?
Because love is after all blind!
And if you’re not one who is blinded, probably there’s never so much as a thing called “love” to begin with!
Be proud that you are blinded, because love is when two souls are bonded in holy matrimony and became one. And thus, you are required to perform your vows as a single entity by sharing and giving to one another. That is also the moment of truth when you realise that you are one person who is capable of giving fully your heart to love. That you trust the other person completely. That’s what love is about. And that’s what God wants, nevermind what others say.
And if you do not know how to love another fully and give your complete trust to your partner, but follow your friends advice and remain cautious, then, I’m sorry but you are better off single. So is your friend. Than to cheat your partner for a lifetime with that barricade of mistrust forever looming in the shadow of your union.
Yes, unfortunate things do happen in relationships if you do not follow your friends advice. But whatever it is, just regard it as your partner’s loss for abusing your trust and failing to see through your well-meaninged intentions and generosity by giving fully your love towards the relationship.”

All About Provenance

“Provenance establishes the history of ownership. Not authenticity. But a good provenance certainly supports authentication, removes all doubt towards the legitimacy of ownership, whilst eliminating disputes and claim towards the work once sold.

On the contrary, if an artwork is authentic, nothing can take away the genuineness even when no documents ever existed. Not even provenance. Genuine works of this nature just happens to hover on a different plane because of unexpected turn of events or otherwise beit relocation, war, death, spring cleaning, debt settlement, divorce, gifts, donations, even hunger, as they fall into the hands of cafe owners, descendants, friends, undeserving people, neighbours, strangers, cleaners, movers, antique shops, flea market, pawn shops or the worse case scenario, refuse bins! With no receipts, papers, or even a signature intact, should authentic works of this nature be appraised at a lower price?

Provenance is a Western invention. It is the trailing bloodline of every personal property since the day the object leaves the hand of its creator beit the artist, craftsmen or artisan till the present owner. With more claims of stolen items being sold at auctions at frivolous prices, provenance became a necessity deterrent from costly lawsuits, and a convenient tool to reject dubious consignments. Nowadays, it behaves as a stop valve to deter ‘blockage’. A term appraisers use when too many items of similar nature flock the market causing the value of a personal property once thought rare, but now ubiquitous, to fall. In instances like this, should provenance be abused to control the flow thus preventing blockage from happening?

But if provenance is vital, how could one Chinese ceramic found in a shoebox, and another, which was used as a door stopper, escape this stringent necessity? By pure reasoning, it is certainly doubtful that accidental possessions and unexpected finds like these do have papers to back them up. This includes the controversial possession of two zodiac animal busts that once grace the walls of the Forbidden City in China. Why, one wonders, that the Hague Conventions of 1899 and 1907 does not apply to consignments such as these, when war spoils should be repatriated accordingly?

Many reasons could be factored in but one seemingly good reason why reputed auction houses are prepared to take chances by breaking conventions is the quality exuded by an irresistible find. Hence, it goes without saying that no matter what, provenance no matter how muzzy it is, cannot take away the authenticity or genuineness of a property, more so when no report of theft was ever recorded, which begs the question: “How should one keeps track of cultural relics and papers and address the grey areas of provenance, when for example the Cultural Revolution of China 1966 displaces everything? Even real estate title deeds. Wouldn’t this imply that all Chinese relics are in-consignable? And if that being the case, wouldn’t the Western collector indirectly has more to benefit in the auction circuit than their Eastern counterparts?

Since early 2000 as auction records would have shown, the demand for Chinese cultural relics soared a million times over. The downside being so did their bad debts reach an unprecedented scale. The reason is because some Chinese sellers view provenance as double standard Western capitalism designed to subdue Chinese consignors. Hence their retaliation by not paying. This triggers a series of revamps implemented for would-be bidders never seen in auction rules before to curb the frequent fraudulent bid calls. But not long after, the Chinese Central Committee decided to set up their own auction houses, after some unsuccessful attempts to buyout some reputed auction platforms. Not one but a few.

Besides these concerns, there are scenarios of consignors owning the right papers, but sold duplicated artworks to unsuspecting buyers sometimes with the original papers, at times without~ the original work of which they still keep. There too are cases of genuine artworks without the necessary papers being mistakenly rejected as dubious. Incidents like this happens frequently at auction houses, especially those which lacks expertise. At the other end of the spectrum are consignors with underworld links whose lawless reputation exceeds the genuineness of their provenance. And there are also the uninformed collectors who seem to invest more in dubious artworks, that when their collection is assessed as a whole, cautious auction houses will shun away as quickly. Last but not least are cases where dubious artworks by famous artists and forgeries appears in open auctions, as favours to appease their high-powered buyers. Cases like this are not one-of-a-kind but ubiquitous. What is more beguiling is can dubious artworks possesses genuine provenance then escape close scrutiny? Think about it.

In most cases, properties that fetches record prices has an important personality or impeccable history of ownership attached to it. These personalities simply overshadow the long trail of provenance required. So much so that it has become the norm for auction houses of repute to turn away those which do not have. But does that mean that collections coming from important personalities or collectors are always genuine? The answer is a resounding no. Because every collector, no matter how experienced they are, is vulnerable to deception. More so when they lack knowledge in their field of interest, more frequently occurring in the early stages of collecting.

Many a time, good properties has been rejected by reputed auction houses because provenance could not be established. This is indeed sad for genuine collectors who turns their hobby into a lucrative investment that each time they spotted a valuable piece going for a song at the flea market, they need to request for formal papers. Wouldn’t that raise eyebrows when sometimes, the asking price is merely USD10? Moreover, what kind of provenance and lineage does one expect from a country which has only gained independence for slightly more than a decade? Or another that survives a Holocaust or a cultural revolution? A string of DNA’s or atoms to backtrace your fossil collection?

Imagine a genuine Picasso or a Pollock not previously known which has no provenance. Will the auction house reject it and regard it as fraud just because no evidence of its existence was ever recorded in the catalogue raisonnè nor the stolen objects databases? Or will they report it so that the possessor is arrested? Or would they set forth an ingenious marketing strategy to have it sold because of the high estimate it could fetch? It is well known that the latter does happen to some blue collar consignors who uses their lifetime savings to build their collection. That will again depends if their engagement is convincing enough that these auction houses would stick out their neck to help them.

The story about provenance is long and wide. With many twists and turns. To those who aren’t aware, perhaps this is the time to pay heed to the propensity of tracking down provenance. If possible, to backtrack it till it hits the date of origin of produce or manufacture. If they want to have it consigned in the future that is. But in their own way, auction houses protect their own integrity by screening and investigating each and every property they intend to accept. Because they understand that costly mistakes can seriously damage their reputation. Especially the provenance tied to these properties. Good auction houses also constantly refine their method and mode of working to ensure staff integrity to ward off malicious deals schemed by greedy collectors wanting to dispose off their doubtful loots.

Recently there were two cases of properties fetching ludicrously high prices, many times higher than the low estimate being sold online. One is of a Chinese Republican type vase of very poor condition, the other, a Song dynasty censer of doubtful attribution. How does this happen one wonders? Although money laundering seems to be the obvious reason, scammers of today are now getting more creative than ever before, scouting for loopholes in the terms and conditions of selling platforms to thrive, and if all auction houses carries with them disclaimers, then, so much the better for scammers to roll out vague deals, then disappear by the click of a button. Because of voluminous listings, most auction platforms have no control over fraudulent claims, auction estimates, and provenance especially – the hammer price of which still relies very much on the bidders discretion and direct engagement with the seller at the other end. Provenance? They disappeared into the backseat. Online auction platforms in general are commission agents. Not authenticators doing you a service. They provide you with an avenue to dispose your possessions. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Now the final question. Are there categories of properties that doesn’t require provenance? Yes there are. Maybe if one is tired of trailing provenance, they should perhaps collect something else that doesn’t require them. Think about it.

– Kris Lee 2014/2021.
Appraiser/Auctioneer/Collector of art, antiques and collectibles with more than 3 decades of

Cricket In Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives, and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s bat and ball there and the game is played there!”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,
“Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike!”

“Who is it?”
asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe!”

“You’re not Joe…. Joe just died!”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you now?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s bat and ball in heaven and they do play cricket! Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”