What a Coincidence!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.

‘This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.’

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.

‘I’m a chicken farmer and all of last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’

‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘What a coincidence!’

(Author Unknown)

Raise the Dead

Pastor: “Now, for our healing prayers, please raise your left hand towards the direction of the altar.”

Old man: “How about the right hand pastor?”

Pastor: “Place your right hand on the part of your body that needs to be healed.

(OLD MAN TOUCHES HIS PRIVATE PART WITH HIS RIGHT HAND)

Pastor: “Sir, why are you touching your private part?”

Old man: “I just followed you command pastor!”

Pastor: “Yes I know. But this is to heal the sick. Not to raise the dead!”

(Author Unknown)

40 years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband then thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an

opportunity like this will never come again. I’m

sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30

years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and

poof!…

(The husband became 92 years old).

(Author Unknown)

Once upon a time in Victorian England

A newly commissioned, just posted cornet stands at attention in his splendid blue and gold Hussar uniform, and smartly salutes the colonel who has specially selected him to join his crack cavalry regiment.

‘At ease, dear boy’, smiles the colonel. ‘And for God’s sake, relax! We don’t stand on ceremony or spit and polish here… the troop sergeants drill the men, and we officers sleep in and have fun all day! Mondays we drink! We all head for the Mess, where we guzzle port, whiskey, champagne, wine, brandy, vodka- the lot until we’re completely blotto!’

‘Actually, Sir, I don’t drink.’

‘Ah. Well, Tuesdays, we gamble! We all head for the Mess, and play baccarat, pontoon, vingt-et-un, bridge, poker- huge stakes! Absolute fortunes have been won and lost at the turn of a card!’

‘Actually, Sir, I don’t gamble.’

‘Ah. Well… Wednesdays! You’ll love Wednesdays! We all head for the Mess, and have in a LOVELY selection of popsies! Gorgeous little tarts- all shapes, all sizes, all colours, all ages, all dressed in their frillies, and we…

‘‘Erm…Actually, Sir, I don’t like… using women in that fashion.’

‘Good God, my boy!’, says the colonel. ‘What are you, gay or something?’

‘Actually, Sir, no, I’m not.’

‘Ah’, says the colonel, shaking his head sadly. ‘ Well, in that case, you’re not going to like Thursdays much either.’

(Author Unknown)

Ceylonese Blood

A rich Arab Sheikh was admitted at a hospital in USA for a major surgery but prior to the surgery the doctors asked to store his blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found easily.

So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally a Ceylonese named Singam was located who had a similar type of blood.

Singam willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.

After the surgery, as appreciation for giving his blood the Sheikh sent Singam a new BMW, Gold, Diamonds, Lapiz Lazuli Jewellery, and a million Dirhams.

A few weeks later the Sheikh again had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Singam, who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Singam a thank you card . Singam was shocked to see that the Sheikh this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Sheikh and said ‘This time also I thought that you would give me car, jewelry and other expensive gifts, but you gave only a thank you card.

To this the Sheikh replied:

“Appu…. now I have Ceylonese blood in my veins!! What do you expect?_”

(Author Unknown)

Remove your clothes

Patel* : remove your clothes.

Wife* : Why Remove my clothes?

Patel* : Just do and come beside me on the bed.

Wife* :Okay they are off.

Patel* : Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.

Wife* : Please I am not in the mood.

Patel* : Just remove your panties and bra and stop all this your everyday “not in the mood story”!

Wife* : Okay they are off. What’s next?

Patel* : I just want you to help me count my money. Every time you help me count the money while your clothes are on, I always find shortages!!

(Author Unknown)

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charges £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts.

The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received £15000.

She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt.

Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Edinburgh.”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said.

”Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver you £15,000 inheritance in person.”

(Author Unknown)

Present Economy of Malaysia

*Employee*: *Boss, from tomorrow, I will go home at 6 pm sharp daily.*

*Boss*: *Why, what happened ?*

*Employee*: *Sir my Salary is not sufficient for me. I want to drive grab at night. I have to support my family.*

*Boss*: Ok. Go ahead . But, if you feel hungry at night, come to Bukit Bintang.

Employee : Why Sir ?

Boss: *I sell satay there*

(Author Unknown)

Lack of Vocabulary

A Priest used to keep chickens at his church.

One Evening , one cock from his lot went missing.

So, at evening mass, he asked : “Who has a Cock?”

All MEN got up!

Priest : “No no, I mean, who has seen a cock?”

All WOMEN got up!

Priest : ” No No , I Mean , who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”

Half the WOMEN Got up!

Priest : “For Heavens sake , who has seen my cock?”

*All NUNS got up!”

(Author Unknown)

Toilet paper please?

A Chinaman goes shopping in a supermarket in U.S.

He sees a promotion for cat food and picks a dozen cans.

The racist white manager who thinks Asians are uncivilized gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to show him his cat before he would let him buy cat food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a cat. He is allowed to buy the cat food.

The following week the Chinaman finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food.

The manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he can’t be having a dog and will probably feed dog food to his kids.

He asks the Chinaman to show him the dog before he would let him buy dog food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a dog and he gets to buy the dog food.

The following week, the Chinaman comes to the supermarket again, this time with a plastic bag.

He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing soft, wet and sticky and immediately pulls his hand out.

He shouts at the Chinaman, “What the hell… this is shit!”

The Chinaman calmly replies, “Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper please?”

(Author Unknown)

Why don’t we give it a try?

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.

She asks him: *”Hey old man, why don’t we give it a try?”*

He says: *”No girl, it is no longer possible for me.”*

Says the hooker: *”Come on, what have you to lose, we can give it a try!?”*

They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.

*”Oh my goodness”,* says the hooker, breathless, *”and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”*

Says the old man: *”Oh, screwing is still going well, it’s the paying that is no longer possible!!..”

(Author Unknown)

Christian Dog

A dog died and the owner took it to a Pastor. He asked the Pastor if he could organise a funeral service for the dead animal.

Pastor : No, we can’t hold a service for your dog in our church but there is a church down the street, maybe they will do it for you.

Man : But Pastor, will that church accept a donation of $1million??

The Pastor shouted, “O Lord ! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was a Christian ?

(Author Unknown)

Politician

An old kampung imam had a teenage son. He thought it was about time he gave the boy some guide on choosing his future profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concern about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. The Holy Quran.

2. A fifty ringgit note.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old imam said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.”

“If it’s the holy book, he’s going to be an imam like me, and what a blessing that would be!”

“If he picks up the fifty ringgit note, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.”

“But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and God, what a shame that would be.”

“And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room….

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Holy Book and places it under his arm. He picked up the fifty ringgit note and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a gulp while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“God have mercy,” the old imam disgustedly whispered…. “He’s going to be a Politician!!

(Author unknown.)

Little Akio

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some History.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! — Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”

Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “Let’s try one a bit more difficult

Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?”

Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F—k the Japs.”

“Who said that? — I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right! — Now who said that?”

Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? — Suck this!”

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit! — If you say anything else — I’ll kill you!”

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, We’re screwed!”

Little Akio said quietly, “The people of Malaysia, when Najib was made Prime Minister, March 2009!

(Author Unknown.)

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite’

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.

(Author Unknown)

Ai Hiam Bay Phnai

(Version in Hokkien)

Ai Hiam, Bay Phnai

Mai Hiam, Ay Sai

Bo Hiam, Bay Pang Sai

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(Version in English)

If you want to criticise, it looks alright actually

If you do not want to criticise, that is also possible

If you never criticise, you cannot shit.

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About this rhyme/ditty:~

This rhyme/ditty is commonly recited and it is meant to be dry humour. It usually revolves around the instance where a group of people of the opposite sex is assessing the physical attributes of someone from the opposite sex they encounter . It is a way of making the listener amused because you are neither directly praising nor criticising that person you are  talking about when you recite it. But as all Hokkien ditties usually ends in jest, the last line is comical in the sense that it can also be used in that instance to criticise a snob.

The author/owner has compiled for record, a collection of early Hokkien sayings, proverbs, rhymes and ditties to capture the essence and spirit of his hoi polloi, a community originating from the southern province of Fujian, China where individuals climbed aboard bum boats, crossing the South China Sea to settle in faraway lands to escape the brewing civil unrest and a way out from hardship carrying along with them in their journey, nothing except their trademark ponytails and their beliefs, very much rooted in Confucianism. These ditties retell their story and their lifestyle way back then so that the younger generation can gain an insight and foothold to their origin..

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Jit Si Bay Liam Lang

(Version in Hokkien)

Jit Si, Bay Sai Liam Lang

Arm Meh, Bay Sai Liam Kwee

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(Version in English)

In the day, do not gossip about others

In the evening,  do not talk about ghosts.

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About this rhyme/ditty:~

This rhyme/ditty seeks to remind the listener never to gossip about others because bad luck might befall them if the gossip falls into the wrong ears. Hence the metaphor, people and ghosts. In the early days, it is also believed that whatever is discussed at night might fall into the ears of ‘cheeky’ spirits whom may disrupt your entire plan, or in extreme cases, appear disguised as you, in your appointments. Imagine you are going out with someone else that appears to take the from of the person you are dating? In another instance this ditty is meant to be a saying said in jest, that when you are missing someone and that person suddenly appear right at that instance, in front of you.

The author/owner has compiled for record, a collection of early Hokkien sayings, proverbs, rhymes and ditties to capture the essence and spirit of his hoi polloi, a community originating from the southern province of Fujian, China where individuals climbed aboard bum boats, crossing the South China Sea to settle in faraway lands to escape the brewing civil unrest and a way out from hardship carrying along with them in their journey, nothing except their trademark ponytails and their beliefs, very much rooted in Confucianism. These ditties retell their story and their lifestyle way back then so that the younger generation can gain an insight and foothold to their origin..

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Why is your name Gates?

Bill Gates resigns as

Chairman of Microsoft after receiving the following letter from an African Man ..

“Dear Sir,

I haf some kweshin to ask:

Namba Wan – The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba Too – There is a ‘Start’ button but no ‘Stop’ button, where is it?

Namba Tree – I have already learned Microsoft Word, when will you launch Microsoft Sentence?

Namba Por – There is a recycle bin but… There is no one who comes to collect the bin.

Pynali ..eh fersonal question: Why is your name Gates when you sell Windows?”

(Author Unknown)

Free Meal

I went for a bowl of noodles when I saw a young man walked in and ordered two bowls of noodles.

He ate one bowl, and put the other bowl opposite him, and place besides the bowl, a pair of chopsticks.

The young man said to the empty seat: “It’s that time of the year again. You must be hungry. Go ahead and eat them!

While eating, he was talking and laughing with the empty seat facing him.

The boss was stunt, his scalp was numbed, and goose bumps started forming over his whole body. He reminded himself that today it the official day of the month of the Hungry Ghost.

When the noodles were almost finished, the young man said to the empty seat:

“I will buy two drinks next door and come back soon.”

The boss of the noodle shop, looking confused, watched as the young man walks out.

Five minutes passes by, then ten minutes, half an hour already passed. The young man still did not return.

When it was about time to close the stall, the young man still did not come back.

The boss looked at the empty seat, his hands trembling and said: “Hey., why hasn’t your friend come back?”

The lady boss who was also there all this while hit the boss’s head!

“You stupid fool!” she said. “That guy just conned you for a free meal!”

(Author Unknown)

Thai Massage

A couple who during a vacation in Thailand ordered a massage session in their room. One for his wife and one for himself.

After massaging for awhile, the masseur told the man “Massage Pinis!”

The man looked sheepishly, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseur again said “Massage Pinis!”

There was silence, yet again.

Finally, his wife spoke…

“Don’t have high hopes my dear, she is simply telling you “Massage finish!”

(Author Unknown)

Lee and Lee

There is this Law firm (LEE & LEE Associates) owner who is very superstitious. His fengshui master told him that he can only hire lawyers with the surname “LEE” to work for him, and strangely he manages to get all the lawyers with the surname LEE to work for him!

One day my friend Tuna Singh who has just graduated from a law school applied for a job with LEE’s Law firm. He was asked to come for an interview.

During the interview everything went smoothly. Except that at ,the end, LEE told TunaSingh…

LEE : I’m actually very implessed with your resume, but there is one problem.

Tuna : What is the problem sir?

LEE : Well you see . . . I only hire lawyers with the surname LEE or at least closely related to “LEE” but your name is Tuna Singh. I dont see it has any relation to “LEE” so…

Tuna : Are you a racist?

LEE : Sorry, but this is what my fengshui master told me.. I dare not defy his request.

Tuna : Ok, I understand…

LEE : Thank you for your time and effort.

That night TunaSingh came to tell us his problem and asked us if we could help him to come up with a name that is closely related to “LEE”. After hours of yam Seng, we finally found a name that is 100% suitable to him.

Next day TunaSingh went back to find LEE…

LEE : Eh . . . TunaSingh, I thought I told you we only hire lawyers with names that are closely related to “LEE?’

Tuna : Yes ! That’s the reason why I come back here. To get the job!

LEE : But your name does not have any relations with “LEE..!”

Tuna : Oh don’t you worry! I have consulted my Chinese friends… They say I am a LEE.

LEE : Huh? You are a LEE? What LEE?

Tuna : “Bangga-LEE” Sir!

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(No offence to my Punjabi , Singh, Indian readers.

(Author Unknown)

Seamen

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

(Author Unknown)

Burnt Sand

The seabirds have flown

The grasses have turned brown

What are we but burnt sand

If hearts that bind no longer shine

But wilt in the golden meadow.

Crazy not Stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.

He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.

As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said “can’t even fix such a simple problem… No wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…”

“What you can do is, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that”

The driver was very impressed and asked: “You’re so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?”

Patient replied: “Hello, the reason I’m inside here is because I’m Crazy. Not STUPID!!!

(Author Unknown)

Too stuffy

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me: I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?”

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, “How very sporting of your mother.”

BMW 525

A Bangla showed up at a Toyota showroom, took out $2,000 and told the salesman, “Give me a Camry”. The salesman was shocked and said, “Bro, your money not enough”.

The Bangla raised his voice and said, “Look at your advertisement outside, it is written as “Camry 2000”.

The salesman calmly replied, “Bro, you go out, turn right to the showroom next door, it’s much cheaper, “BMW 525”.

(Author unknown)