Truths All Good Christians Must Know (and its many myths that should be addressed)

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( FOR CHRISTIANS ONLY )

It is almost two decades now I have distanced myself from church. And I have my reasons. I don’t easily fall in line, I can’t conform to rites and rituals, and I have always been an individualist. I am in direct contrast to what others regard as a faithful follower. And I did not know God through the church. Thus, with or without church, my faith did not wane. And my ember did not diminish like an isolated coal they told me it would. But one thing did happen though. After I have turned away from church , not even a single soul from church has ever called me, nor say hello. And it’s been twenty years since. I won’t second guess their erratic behaviour not that I am bothered. But I was given the impression that there’s a line that segregates believers who goes to church, and those who don’t, or have left. They use a term for out-standing characters like me. I’m known as a ‘lapsed Catholic’. For whatever that means. And I think they feel better to be able to classify me so as to tell me that I am not one of them. Also, don’t go to them if I needed any favours. If it is a science lab, they would have placed me inside a jar and labelled ‘heretic specimen.’
“As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind…” (Romans 14:1-23)

Personally, I believe that faith is a journey. And to each, our own. This journey of mine had me hover over and under the pews- where once I was inside the church looking out, now, I’m on aerial view, looking in. I am particularly appalled by those who easily succumb to authority and be led by the nose, and others who tacitly sandwiched fear in-between the bread of life. These are the majority which makes up the congregation- an adulterated version of the ‘Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ’ and of the ‘Temple of Solomon’, also known as the ‘Order of Solomon’s Temple’, or the ‘Knights Templar’ – defenders of faith who would fight tooth and grit with anyone who doubts that their God is the greatest. How ironical. But if their God is the greatest, why then do they fear?
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7)

For out-standing souls like me, please be enlightened. It’s a privilege to recce God’s garden and circumambulate one full circle while others are still caught up inside. Without being given the ladder to scale over, one may not understand what the opposing scenery looks like, to make informed opinions. Unlike me who have a full macro view uninterrupted. I’d rather enjoy the fresh air and be caught trespassing, than paying blind obeisance to what the church wanted us to believe in.

The Words of God are simple and straightforward. Yet many lack depth to scour its grace and wisdom. And true discipleship calls for individuals to give up everything and follow him. Yet I wonder how many denominations still observe this faithfully?
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.” (Matthew 23:23-24)
“So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple”. (Luke 14:33)
“And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”(Mark 10:21).
“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.” (1 John 2:15)

Throughout those years in church, I have encountered the most obstinate of believers. Those in true hypocrisy who worships the strangest, those who pray to prey, and those who gossips the fiercest. And to those lost sheeps forever looking for signs and wonders to affirm their faith, I now have the unfortunate unpleasant chore to respond to, their myopic perception of God. I am no biblical scholar, a behavioural scientist nor a theologian. But if everyone were to take a step backwards tying everything we know to the basics of love, we could be seeing happier days ahead, than feeling somber, anticipating the final hours of God’s arrival any sooner. Like everybody else, I dread to be misled. Because one day, those misled may be preaching on the pulpit.
“I may be able to speak the languages of men and even of angels, but if I do not have love, I will sound like noisy brass. If I have the gift of speaking God’s Word and if I understand all secrets, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I know all things and if I have the gift of faith so I can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give everything I have to feed poor people and if I give my body to be burned, but do not have love, it will not help me.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
“Love does not give up. Love is kind. Love is not jealous. Love does not put itself up as being important. Love has no pride. Love does not do the wrong thing. Love never thinks of itself. Love does not get angry. Love does not remember the suffering that comes from being hurt by someone. Love is not happy with sin. Love is happy with the truth. Love takes everything that comes without giving up. Love believes all things. Love hopes for all things. Love keeps on in all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Inside every church are always some delusional Jim Jones in the making. Hallucinators who beckoned they have earned wings- believing themselves to be God’s chosen gate-keeper or messenger of some kind. All because they have managed to garner some followers. Indeed they have. Retirees, pensioners, the golden age club and sinners whom resorted to the church hoping for some form of redemption or free entertainment to kill time. And so these hallucinators seek God inside the pages of the Old Testament without knowing it’s relevance, reviving worship and dance like David did without knowing its significance, arrived at the gates of the New Testament without mastering the Beatitudes, and back they went again to the drama of the Old Testament, preferring the authoritarian and punitive God than the forgiving one. And that is how, like a warrant officer, they stick their noses into every cadets butt, faulting everyone else’s conduct and private business thus giving unconditional love a brand new meaning by inserting them with multitudes of decree. Didn’t they know any better? That the veil had been broken?
“And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom” (Mark 15:38)
“Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God…” (Hebrews 10:19-22)

The most unfortunate amongst these characters may I emphasise again, are these ‘fault finders’- backdoor Warrant Officers who could uncover sin everywhere, under every stone and carpet, except for their own backyard. These characters could see no wrong in themselves, and shows no contrite- comfortably forgetting the speck in their own eyes and forgetting that the Lord is first and foremost, “an all forgiving God”.
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:4)
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
“But if you do not forgive others their sins,
your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6: 15)

Next are the ‘fence builders’ – those who thought that God the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit belongs exclusively to believers only and no one else, thus disassociating themselves from the marginalised, the destitute, the underprivileged and the non-believers. They too tasked themselves to build wedges between believers and their loved ones of different faiths, urging them to stay away from customs, traditions, conjugal and funeral rites because they believe it is better not offend their jealous God than to embrace love for their own family. Doesn’t these individuals understand that “the greatest is love”? (1 Corinthians 13:13). How then are they “to go forth and multiply” (Genesis 9:1) and “make disciples of all generations” (Matthew 28:18-20), having decided that building boundaries, fences, wedges, and cages is amiable?
“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8)

Then, there are the ‘fear mongers’. Individuals whom instead of believing and emphasising the glory and majesty of the almighty God whom created the world, believed more in abominations and the harsh punishment meted by God, thus allowing evil to manifest. These individuals spread fear and are scared of everything under the sun, maybe their own shadows even. Imagine the damage they could cause up on the pulpit, spinning confusion in the minds of catechumens at a time when they were taught forgiveness, more so when their faith journey is still at it’s infancy? The fear of the darkness, death, other gods, mythological creatures, traditions and customs, is unnecessary because they are but little elements that makes up the colourful world, if you believe in the all powerful God that is.
“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” (1 John 4:18)
One should thus, not shift one’s focus from the God of kindness and compassion, towards darkness, garbage and filth, thereby reducing God’s brilliance, radiance, magnificence and significance whom they will ironically fight tooth and nail to claim that He is the most coveted of all Gods when ridiculed. The Crusaders did severe damage to the Christian world. They went on to wage war using Jesus’s mighty name not knowing our God is all for peace? And whatever happened to the God “whom created the world and everything inside it?” (Genesis 1 & 2) which means everything good or bad belongs to the kingdom of God?

And then, there are in our midst the ‘divine hallucinators’- preachers whose madness grew in tandem with their hallucination. These are the individuals who claim to have seen god, raised the dead and boasts of converting tens of thousands of people into the faith within a few years. Oh really?!
“Some could not resist “letting their right hand know what their left hand is doing” (Matthew 6:3-4)
“Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.” (Ecclesiastes 1:2)
It is obvious error if these divine preachers doesn’t realise that those who stood inside rallies are in some ways or another, have been touched by the Holy Spirit? And if these hallucinators could raise the dead, they would have made headlines by now and kidnapped by the intelligence to do just that. Raise the dead!
In the bible, except for Moses and Isaiah, no one could have claimed to have seen God.
“No man hath seen God” (John 1:18) (1 John 4:12)
“God is spirit, a form of life which is invisible to the naked eye” (1 John 1:17), (John 4:24).
“God can be seen directly by angels because they are spirit creatures” (Matthew 18:10)
“No one can see me and stay alive” (Exodus 33:20)
And it was written that Moses had once saw the “angel of God as a flame” (Exodus 3:1-10), and besides this, God’s back, because God allows him to.
“Then I will take my hand away, and you will see my back but not my face” (Exodus 33:23). Isaiah on the other hand, has physically seen God.
“I saw the Lord. He was sitting on his throne, high and exalted, and his robe filled the whole temple.” (Isaiah 6:1)
“And yet with my own eyes, I have seen the King, the Lord Almighty“ (Isaiah 6:5).
In the Book of 2 Enoch (rejected by the Jewish and withdrawn from the Christian bible), Enoch at age 365, was taken to heaven, and managed to see God in the seventh and tenth heaven. The seventh, was from a distance, the tenth, face to face.
In (1 Kings 19:11-23), Elijah who was transported to heaven in a flaming chariot has not seen God but has spoken with God. Many prophets like Elijah has also had visions of God including Ezekiel, and many have engaged in conversations with Him.
One may argue that everyone who had seen Jesus during his thirty-three years on earth hath seen God, since the bible has surmised that God, the Son and Holy Spirit are infinitely one, while we as mortals are also “made in his own image and likeness” (Genesis 1:26-27), but then again, no one has ever seen God “in all His divine glory and holiness except in his human condition”, where he veils himself to be amongst us, appearing in the form of Jesus. The question is, do we really need to see God to believe he existed?
“Blessed are those who has not seen me, and yet had believed’”? (John 20:29)

There is clearly a distinction between God’s kingdom and the kingdom we lived in as Jesus himself clearly stated in front of Pontius Pilate. And because his kingdom is not of this world, so are his blessings and gifts of the spiritual kind.
“My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.” (John 18:36)
“Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the discernment of spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are activated by one and the same Spirit, who allots to each one individually just as the Spirit chooses.” (1 Corinthians 12:4-11)
But with these seven gifts- wisdom, understanding, right judgement, courage, knowledge, reverence, wonder in awe of God’s presence (Isaiah 11:2-3), doth every believer, some with more gifts than others, were giventh unwarranted blessings which serves as a springboard for discipleship. Inside the scriptures, the gifts of the Holy Spirit are the roots of the tree, and the fruits of the Holy Spirit are, the fruits of that tree. And if we are led by the Spirit and open to God’s gifts, the fruits of the Holy Spirit will be evident in our lives- the virtues of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22) And the harvest would be aplenty.
Where blessings are concern, God has generously reminded believers to
“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and it’s righteousness, and all things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33)
“May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” (Psalm 20:4)
“The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it.” (Proverbs 10:22)
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” (Romans 12:14)
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
The reason why I broach this subject is because of the numerous request for intercession of the greedy kind. Healing from certain sicknesses, illnesses or diseases is understandable but praying for bigger houses? reveals a lack of understanding of the kind of blessings God has in store for us because God has never specifically mentioned wealth as a guarantee for our unceasing faith except to Solomon. And God too specifically asked of us to bless those who persecute us. Can you?
So, it is indeed a misnomer to assume that when a person is endowed with good looks, power, fame or fortune, or born with it, that means God is well pleased with him- therefore blessing him with direct tangible advantage, greatness, influence, and wealth over others. And those who don’t is not in God’s favour. From the scriptures, it is very clear that God shows no impartiality. Moreover, Jesus himself was born poor. Rather, there are many instances where God expresses his concerns about material gain particularly the means in which wealth is gained, and how the love for money could easily distract the rich from entering the kingdom of god. That is one of the mortal sins which could not be pardoned . Mortal sins identified by the church includes homicide, abortion, infanticide, fratricide, patricide, and matricide, sodomy, oppression of the poor and injustice to the wage earner.
“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24)
“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.” (1 Timothy 6:10)
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.” (Matthew 6:24)
“Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and to give to God what belongs to God”(Mark 12:17).
“He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income; this also is vanity. When goods increase, they increase who eat them, and what advantage has their owner but to see them with his eyes? Sweet is the sleep of a laborer, whether he eats little or much, but the full stomach of the rich will not let him sleep.” (Ecclesiastes 5:10-12)

The perception of Idolatry also needs to be addressed. It is one of the primary divides between the Protestants and Catholics. Idolatry in primeval times has everything to do with animism and pagan worshipping. Animism encompasses the beliefs that all material phenomena have agency, that there exists no categorical distinction between the spiritual and physical world, and that soul, spirit exists not only in humans, but also in animals, plants, rocks, geographic features or other entities of the natural environment- water sprites, vegetation deities, tree spirits etc. In the early days, pointing to the empty sky is not enough. Understanding the concept of God requires objectification and thus, megaliths, trees as gods and statues were commonplace. Even in the medieval era, objectification was needed to completely understand the concept of God, hence the many icons, statues and frescoes in temple and home surrounds created for adoration, as commemoration or plain hero worshipping the almighty, just like the many coins minted in Byzantium (395CE -1453AD) which depicts the image of Jesus.
In biblical days, idolatry arises from a personal disdain of the jealous god, Yahweh who was worshipped alongside a female deity, Mother Goddess known as Asherah. Asherah was hypothetically Yahweh’s wife (and the wife of other Gods as well). But Asherah’s shrines were everywhere, more popular than Yahweh’s. And they were also found besides Yahweh’s shrines. Yahweh found that upsetting, calls every child who worships him and her together, a whore, and called for its destruction.
“You shall not plant any tree as an Asherah beside the altar of the Lord your God that you shall make.” (Deuteronomy 16:21)
“When the men of the town rose early in the morning, behold, the altar of Baal was broken down, and the Asherah beside it was cut down, and the second bull was offered on the altar that had been built.” (Judges 6:28)
“And they abandoned all the commandments of the Lord their God, and made for themselves metal images of two calves; and they made an Asherah and worshiped all the host of heaven and served Baal.” (2Kings 17:16)
“And I will root out your Asherah images from among you and destroy your cities.” (Micah 5:14)
In today’s context, idolatry is something one indulges in, does excessively out of habit or an obsession which affects one’s duty and obligation towards God and family. And for as long as the fetishism, obsession and habit does not interfere with one’s duty and belief, it is not considered abomination. Therefore, the display and collection of statues, figurines, religious paraphernalia, relics, including prayer verses hung at home. How so ?
Because reverence or piety happens to be one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. And piety brings one back to one’s own origin. Piety has everything to do with obedience, respect and paying homage to one’s ascendant, with ‘God as head of the family’, therefore, not unless one prays to a different God, or neglects his own God, is his actions considered idolatry.

There exists a great disparity of opinions concerning other matters. And I for one do not succumb to makeshift authority, with each fraternity forming their own doctrine and preference, especially those who curtail our good sense and empathy towards others in need. As God’s children, good sense must always prevail. The gift of wisdom is imbued within us to discern and surmise each opinion, not forgetting the gift of courage to correct the wrong, no matter how little or many followers the other party has. We should be glad indeed for the gift of knowledge and the larger brains we, as earthlings, are endowed with. For if not, we could not have reigned dominion over all the other creatures on the earth. Each of us should be bright enough to discern between right from wrong, good from bad, godly from evil, shallow from deep, clean from dirty, and healthy from the sickly. And to process every bit of information thrown at us- whether they are relevant and applicable in today’s context, measured against the values of love, forgiveness and kindness.
But humans are born sinners and our fallibility began with the ‘Original Sin’ as was committed by Adam, and because by that one incident, as expressed by St Augustine, no one is spared from falling into the abyss of doom.
The church has clearly defined three types of sin- Mortal sins, Venial sins and Cardinal sins. But sin is what you do which inconvenience or causes harm to others. One can arrive at what kind of sin was committed, by asking the following three questions:
1. Did the act involve a grave matter?
2. Was the act committed with full knowledge of the wrongdoing that had been done in the act?
3. Was the act done with full consent of the will?
If all three questions are answered in the affirmative, the criteria for a mortal sin have been met. If any one of the three questions is answered in the negative, only the criteria for a venial sin have been met. And Venial Sins is easily forgivable unlike mortal sins. Mortal sins are unforgivable and may I repeat that which includes homicide, abortion, infanticide, fratricide, patricide, and matricide, sodomy, oppression of the poor and injustice to the wage earner. In the Catholic context, forgiveness would entail:
1. Acts of Contrition – feeling sorrowful
2. Disclosure – confide to God
3. Penance – doing something eg. reciting of prayers to make amends for it.
St Paul mentions that when we sin, we need not fear that we are condemned by God and that there is no more justification and grace we deserve. God’s relationship with us is not broken unless or until we deliberately and irrevocably sever it by ‘moving away’ from God. There is also no such thing as flipping between grace and penalty. Believers ‘have and always been’ in the state of grace.
“Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned” (Romans 5:12)
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23)
“And when the LORD smelled the pleasing aroma, the LORD said in his heart, “I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the intention of man’s heart is evil from his youth. Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done.” (Genesis 8:21)
“Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.” (Psalm 51:5)
“Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)
“But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7)
“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” (1 John 1:8)
There are seven types of cardinal sin. Lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. Most of these sins with the sole exception of sloth, are perverse or corrupt versions of love for something or another: lust, gluttony, and greed are all excessive or disordered love of good things; sloth is a deficiency of love; wrath, envy, and pride are perverted love directed toward other’s harm. Sins from lust to envy are generally associated with pride, which has been labeled as the ‘Father of all sins.’
I will not dwell in detail all the cardinal sins except for one which is lust, which in general, is the least understood but the one believers are most interested in which explains the increase in popularity of porn sites. This deserves some attention because most preachers direct them to sexual innuendos. However, it is not so. Lust, or ‘lechery’ is intense longing, and is ‘usually’ thought of as intense or unbridled sexual desire which ‘may’ lead to fortification including adultery, rape, bestiality and other sinful sexual acts. However, lust also means unbridled desire in general; the lust for money, power, and other things are equally as sinful.
Lust is also thought to be of the least serious of cardinal sins as it is an abuse of a faculty that humans share with animals, and sins of the flesh are ‘less grievous’ than spiritual sins eg. turning away from God.
*But do not despair for there exists restitution for sins. For no sin is unpardonable, except for mortal sins and that is the promise of God.
“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
“Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.” (Micah 7:18)
“And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.” (Matthew 12:31)

So spare me! But prohibitions from drinking, smoking, cohabiting and generously offering lifts to members of the opposite sex are but menial and should not be amplified if they happen in moderation, is consensual, and done with pure intentions. Again, sin is what you do which inconveniences or cause harm to others. Believers always like to stress that our body is the temple of the Lord. (1 Corinthians 6:19) Yes, I don’t disagree nor doubt that a temple is not a sacred place. Therefore for health reasons, we need to safeguard it from abuse. And a healthy body broods a healthy mindset. This has everything to do with the boundaries we set for ourselves but not an ultimatum or imposition which comes with disparaging penalty only the jealous heart that lobbies for punitive sentencing hopes for.
“I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12)
Remember, Jesus himself turned water into wine, the first of his first miracle.
“The Wedding at Cana” (John 2:1-11)
Thus I am certain the entire community or country need not be penalised- putting the brakes on taxi services, school-buses and co-ed schooling since every good person is assumed to have the tendency to let their throbbing manhood rule over faith, decency, integrity and good judgement.
And who are we to deprive singles or separated couples no longer in love the probity of happiness in cohabiting?
As Christians, we must believe that everything comes from God who made the day as well as nights, and rain as well as sunshine (Genesis 1 & 2). And as Christians, we should not be paranoid and prohibit everything, frightening ourselves and disassociating ourselves from unpleasant situations, when caring for our community is part of our social responsibility.

So, do not simply believe in what others say or do blindly, for fear of being chastised, worse, made unpopular because we happened to be more inquisitive than others. The gift of courage, one of the seven gifts of the holy spirit, encourages us to be bold and stand our ground.
“And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely; for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light.” (Luke 16:8)
Likewise, it is not about how many times we have read the bible from beginning till end, but about our contrite heart and how much we understand about charity and learnt from it. And to all the ‘doubting Thomases’ whose glory rests on tangible proofs and miracles they witness during faith healing, my concern is what if one day God decided to take away everything and there is no longer any miracles to perform that you can see with your own eyes, would they be as faithful to God, or would they moved on to other faiths? Seriously, I want to know.
“Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe… “ (John 20:24-29)

Maybe God doesn’t deserve me or I don’t deserve God so likewise I can’t blame the congregation for being self-absorbed. For they are the fruits of what the church teaches.
My desert experience wasn’t only forty days as Jesus had experience, but more like years cowering in fear of being stalked by the evil one whom I was told hides under the cloak of Jesus. Fact is it is just a figment of an over imaginative mind given the opportunity to lead catechumens such as me. The implications was severe and I suffered because of misinformation. No one deserves to walk that road I did long ago. And it could be prevented by addressing the misconceptions I am doing now. Thus I felt it timely to say something. Of course I can’t address all. Except those within my ability to grasp.
My concern is this . What good can a brilliant God do, armed with an army of blind, paranoid, conceited, uninformed followers whom were all assigned to stand up and fight against demons and wrongdoings?
“For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from a bramble bush. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:43-45)

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)

Let me be Blunt

“Let me be blunt.
Assuming all the BN supporters came out to vote, and they managed a popular vote of 50% and the total voter turnout during the Johore State election was 50%, that simply means only 25% of valid voters in Johore supported BN.
So what happened to the other 75% of voters, more specifically the 50% who stayed at home oblivious to the importance, when the remaining 25% voted otherwise?
The reasons are many. But here are the few which contributed significantly to the low voter turnout.
1. The spike in recent covid cases sometime after the announcement of the Johor election acts as a deterrent. Many wouldn’t want to risk their health.
2. Closure of voting stations earlier than normal.
3. Low postal votes across the causeway. Only about 10% or rather 7k out of 60k voted. How come? Who handles it?
4. 3-5 corner fights which greatly reduces the oppositions chance.
5. Our rakyat is fed up. Why? a) Mishandling of funds. Corruption is rampant amongst politicians. b) Our politicians same old same old empty pledges. c) Way too much of politicking. Politicising every single issue including crisis and disaster management. d) Our politicians uncanny habit to party hop. Crudely disregarding citizens constitutional rights to the point of forming their own backdoor government once elected without the citizens mandate. e) The acquittal of those found guilty due to corruption by our court of law. g) The constant abuse of race, religion and royalty in controversial matters to gag the rakyat even during the swearing in and forming of the backdoor government.”

Why PH Lost

“We have different set goals and priorities. Our upbringing, mindset and beliefs are also different. And with China now dominating the world economy, we will face trust issues in our own homeland, no matter how noble our intentions are.
There are few reasons why PH lost. 1. As explained, trust issues. 2. Which resulted in 3-5 corner fights versus a stand alone PH. 3. Vote buying thus the collaboration eversince the Sheraton Move. 4. Postal votes. Out of 60k strong working in Singapore, they only receive 7k. Thus they close the polling stations earlier than usual suspecting they are turning up after work. Most right minded people doesn’t trust postal voting. 5. Unverified army vote distribution.
Not being able to see eye to eye is one thing. But putting crooks back into the game, that is utter stupidity. Similar to saying we have absolved them from their crimes. Have we?

Flood Mitigation Plan

Because of the conversion of six retention ponds meant to contain excess rainwater run-offs during flash floods and severe thunderstorms so that areas in the vicinity of the storm remains high and dry, the KL flood mitigation plan had been disrupted. No thanks to the shortsightedness of the authorities in earmarking these crucial pools for development and allowing these conversions. Without these retention ponds, surrounding areas where flooding occurs is no longer habitable, because the excess water has no where to run to, thus it rises quickly, when the usual outlets are too small to drain them off. What this means is that those poor inhabitants will continuously face anxiety and suffer, each and every time it rains.

I severely doubt the authorities concern has contingency plans, now that the retention ponds had been traded off, other than putting in place sirens to warn residents nearby to evacuate, when the rising water reaches danger level. But does that mean flooding is solved once and for all after spending yet again a huge sum on a simple addressing system? Land is scarce and costly. Thus, to replace one retention pond with another within the vicinity is unlikely. So what else can they offer and who bears the loss? Setting up rescue teams and encouraging developers to build more houses and buildings on stilts? Or should they do the drastic, requiring all new developers to fill up their lands higher than the highest flood level ever recorded in the area before planning permission is given? Or is the national disaster committee only equipped with sampans, meant exclusively for politicians to do their usual recce?

The problem here lies in our system. There is perpetually too much power vested in one individual who is given veto power by law to override collective decisions made. Findings has shown that more than 900 projects had been given planning permissions out of which 60 percent of the projects had already been completed. Which now adds to the glaring damage. Not helped geographically by KL, being one of the only two cities in the world that doesn’t have a seafront so all the water naturally has nowhere to flow to. And if unskilled personnels are still appointed to helm positions that requires expertise, or that those in the know has to follow rules set by those with vested power, our problems will persist.

Besides this, global warming has taken its toil on rising sea levels and that is the reason why Indonesia has to build its new capital elsewhere while Singapore has already put in place their own draining system. We on the other hand is happily clogging up Tasik Kenyir, and acquitting the guilty in our courts of law.

Mirror Work nonsense

“The mere fact that when one wakes up , brushes his teeth, combs his hair, grooms himself, had breakfast and go about his day, is affirmation enough that that person loves himself enough. The ones who doesn’t love themselves are in a bloody mess daily. Tardy and unkempt.
So I don’t think one needs to affirm themselves superficially by standing in front of the mirror and talking to himself, reassuring himself that he loves himself.
Unless your faith is weak.
And having a bad relationship with others is not the reason why you don’t love yourself. In fact, it is because you love yourself a lot, way too much, that you do not want anyone to intrude into your sanctity of what you believed in, that’s why disagreement occurs.
And there is nothing wrong if both sides fight for what they believed in. Then go separate ways. That has everything to do with because each of them love themselves way too much. Not meaninged to undermine each other or treat one another badly.
So, do not read too much into these mad hypothesis expounded by false philosophers using the church to bind and prop up their overthinking. So that when the church remains relevant, they could still control the mass, expand their contacts, whilst using the bible in vanity, milking a cent or two from seminars and sharing.
That’s the cause of this madness ain’t it?
Power, influence and money?
My two cents.”

Dear Ex-Wife

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.

I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Signed: Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

(Author Unknown)

Tad Too Late?

Malaysians are usually a tad too late warming up to world trends, but when we do, we are often hasty, when beamed with pockets of success stories of others, never considering the longer term effects it may have over the whole ecology. As we commute our excitement, we subconsciously fell in line and became the follower of trends, never for once the setter. At the other end of the scale, we would often be left with the final few grains on our palms where others have grazed, after they have moved on to greener pastures. Such is us.

Our national gallery is not at its infancy. But oftentimes, I wonder if there is indeed a national narrative to begin with or that we have spiralled down strutting in a ring filled with the shallow opinions of horse traders, zealots, lobbyists, backdoor experts and money driven leeches; if you could consider them as loyal fans to begin with. Are these the personalities the colourful bedrock upon which we shape our vision? How do our agencies define the limits of their involvement and how far have they gone in pushing the boundaries of our identity?

Our neighbouring compatriots have gone milestones ahead of us, curating not only interesting visual exhibitions but visitor experiences, and have undertaken membership recruitment drives, patron-ship galas, admission packages for groups and families, even enticing members to be gallery sitters. So how can ours still be thriving on a makeshift cafeteria and a minuscule museum shop none thought it important to rife up its setting and contents? Aren’t our agencies aware that the sale of mementos, publications and monograms assist in the sustenance of the gallery not forgetting the promoting and disseminating of our art history and exhibitions to the world? Hell even Penang State Art Gallery has a better museum shop and painting adoption plans! So what can we take pride in, when we are allotted acquisition funds for artworks that stays hidden yet in the few years leading to the pandemic, we were letting out precious spaces for non art-related corporate use? How much truism is there on our visitor head counts then?

Technically, the training of younger artists to become entrepreneurs should be left to business schools when really, the job focus of artists is to make good art because saleability depends on the quality of art each produces. The business aspects of promoting, writing, cataloging, records and recognition, and client sustainability drains time and traditionally been overcome by galleries and auction houses who also by the way, functions as quality controllers. Thus, I am pondering if our national gallery fully understands the intricacies of art management when the importance of proving exhibition history, proving existence, proving fair market pricing, proving purchase and proving its provenance required for art pieces sold in the secondary platform is left out, and that no one artist can qualify or attest himself in such matters.

It may sound like a tall order to some but what seems to be extraordinary to us is common practice for all other reputed national galleries and public museums worldwide. Most of their policy makers have articulated cross border broadening of knowledge and art appreciation throughout their respective countries, which cuts across every culture, aspect and time, eventually expounding a common camaraderie to the masses ready to unite differing values through art. That is how a national narrative is formed. And these could only happen through field studies, mapping, and open engagements with stakeholders beit inside forums, symposiums, or art talks. It would be interesting to invite high profile curators and celebrated luminaries to engage in critical discourses and at the same time, to get them to speak about their current projects and ways of slashing and weaving through mazes and red tapes. That way, we can tap into their ideas, compromise our standard operating process, sell our unique locations and at the same time, make them our catalyst, driver and mouthpiece. Even Marina Abrahmovic stood for Bangkok Art Biennale once! Again, how do we define let alone redefine and push the limits beyond the boundaries of our identity to make it happen?

Have our national gallery ever expanded it’s role by mobilising our collections abroad, since we have been receptively permitting in-bound print shows ala Caravaggio? And when then can we afford to give our visitors a full fledge permanent timeline experience and awareness of our art history that could only happen with a permanent gallery space, so that visitors could devote their time and energy helping us to grow, at the same time becoming our catalyst, driver and mouthpiece? What more, are we prepared to forgo unkempt security guards whose youngs runs around the gallery grounds and partakes in food receptions meant for guests? When would the whole podium not forgetting the prominent spiral staircase become potential display areas and when are we getting rid of the bathroom feel of the entrance lobby?

Plain and simple, our national gallery needed urgent institutional reforms. To begin with, we need first class infrastructure revamp and a reconfiguration of its space and flow. Then hopefully, the rest will fall into place. If our desire is the world stage of course. We needed well exposed and well connected people from different fraternities who live and breathe art day and night to helm it. We can’t have a gold medallist diving expert to be in charge of a football team unless they are willing to learn. Art is serious business and a major catalyst towards growing tourism trends in metropolitan cities. So make us proud!

Elsewhere in our country , our provincial galleries may be modest in infrastructure, but certainly not provincial in ideas. They make do with the littlest of resource and budget yet they managed to deliver their very best. And the key to their success? A selfless, committed, forward thinking, liberal-minded committee who doesn’t promote self-censorship out of fear of losing their jobs. There are benefits in organising gargantuan exhibitions and endorsing artistic freedom. It begets us free publicity worldwide and regional recognition as a formidable player. This all translates to tourist dollars.

Looking inward, we should be receptive enough to acknowledge that every town and city in our country has its own cultural identity and preference of artists which makes each of them different, unique and interesting and with that, sprouts its own conversations and engagement. So why not then, a new language and narrative, if other towns and cities can manage and deliver never mind from where the art scene started first? It is not entirely wrong if there co-exist divergent parallel narratives, since our country is unique. Even Mercedes Benz automobiles has different classes and models.

Since the Nanyang days, Penang has been the preferred platform from whence our national art scene sprang. I singled out Penang because It’s topography had been conducive enough to attract international artists to nest and work. So how then, one wonders, does budding artists become stifled and sidetracked when artists like Ernest Zacharevic and Latiff Mohidin (both not Penangites ) has persevered and made it this far? Perhaps yet another ill informed opinion maybe? Nuf said for now.

Turn Your Gaze Towards The Sky

“God speaks to us through nature. How else can he reveal himself, his love, his glory, his might, his wonders or unleash his fury if not through appeasing your doubt of his existence with the burning bush, the opening of the Red Sea, Noah’s flood, the flattening of Sodom and Gomorrah, the lightning that transforms Saul, freak storms, landslides, and tsunami. And if we can’t read these signs and wonders occurring in our midst, that only makes our weekly devotion hogging inside places of worship, a routine joke.

Indeed, we humans are dumb. For not being able to calibrate and process these subtle warnings that flashes between our eyes, and dumber indeed, than the government we voted in. For truly, who amongst us would elect candidates that insults our grey cells, when capitalism educates us to select candidates with heavyweight credentials to represent us? That said, when we feel cheated by these entrusted individuals, maybe we should question ourselves why we could be swayed by educational credentials and eloquence than to stick with the meek and humble selfless individuals?

As humans, we are all endowed with amazing sensory organs that allows us to mind read others, the ability to judge and to feel. Those are the sensors that triggers our haunch and intuition. And if our haunch and intuition tells us to chuck candidates with questionable intellect, how so did they survive? Are we missing something in our judgement that the majority wouldn’t agree with?

Admit it. Most of us are too self engrossed to do good for our community. We feel entitled to guard our own interest but not those beyond our four walls, and went with the flow even when we know our laws are outdated, therefore the abuse. As burdens to society we are, we leave it to selfless souls to care and manage our environment, and run our society, while we prefer to spend time watering our own garden. We chose to be ringside spectators, but spends our waking hours mingling with strangers on the social media to ply our trade, boost our noticeability, and enrich our pockets, hoping to gain traction with famous personalities as well as sending amorous private messages. We then transforms into disgruntled Frankensteins when we see mismanagement, and our economy nosedives. What kind of an idiot are we?

By our habitual actions and inactions, we have created our own brand of shit and disgust, and made the shits of others pliable. Has it ever occurred to us that bullshits like this doesn’t just happen overnight? So please go plug the source and nip the problem in the bud. Swallow the pride and shits we personally nurture before our ground turns into solid waste foundation. For God is real. And his tantrums has turned into wrath’s. Look around us. Little ‘Acts of God’ is now manifesting. Be more selfless and understand his disgust. Then turn your gaze towards the sky, as Emperor Constantin 1 did. If God did not abandon you, so should you not abandon his creation to see it rot. Indeed, God speaks to us through nature. So should you help protect it and not play dumb. Help protect our country and Fark this present government off.”

Chinese Observances

“In the old days, the Southeast Asian migrant Chinese were inundated with many beliefs. Beliefs that’ll bring them luck, prosperity and happiness. With beliefs, sprang the many superstitions observed. More so when affirmations were rhymed into ditties and sayings that tickles the fancy of the larger crowd. For those who doesn’t attend schools, these ditties acted as guides in the school of life, for they held many truths. Whereas others, especially when related to food, sounds more like marketing 101.

The Chinese of Southeast Asia practices a strange mix of religion which falls into a larger cauldron they identify as Buddhism, which again lives below an infinite space known as the Sky God, or ‘Thni Kong”. Though many are now baptised, Buddhism was and still is, the supreme god to these believers, Taoism and it’s many practices and deities, as the guide to rites and rituals to attain Nirvana, and Confucianism, as their gospel to communal living.

Especially during auspicious occasions, birth, marriage, full moon, or new year, these curious concoction of three-in-one cocktail comes into play. Elements that does not conform to their practices were silently removed, and others desecrated with red paper. Even food was not spared.

On the table during reunion dinner, which is usually held during the eve to usher in the first day of Chinese New Year (or the coming of Spring), all kinds of meats, vegetables and condiments is a must. That to the Chinese signifies abundance as it harnesses positive energy. (For as long as you can tolerate the tediousness that goes into it’s preparation.) Before the clock struck midnight, one would have assumed that their abode has been spring-cleaned and decorated with auspicious objects, including their cars and compound, and elements that suggest bad luck or ‘suay’ are hidden inside storerooms, especially brooms and sharp objects including kitchen knives, never to be seen till the 15 days of Chinese New Year ends. This covers plants with leaves that shapes like daggers as well. And they even have preferred colours. Red sits on top of the list, followed by yellow.

Throughout Chinese New Year, the sounds of fire crackers are heard, in the belief that the noise would ward off evil spirits. Charity is encouraged, sworn words refrained, new clothes worn, animosity discouraged, sweets served, and the most menial of work especially the sweeping of homes, were halted. Such are the ways of the Chinese.

Throughout history, these observations became habitual and that in turn manifest as traditions attached to their beliefs. To identify one as a Chinese is to observe these traditions and beliefs which are related to Buddhism. As they serve themselves with a wide array of food and dishes, so too did they bedeck the altars of their Gods with abundance, with a few exceptions or add ons. Prayers, paper effigies, and joss sticks, as the intermediary or points of transfer between heaven and earth. All for the sake of prosperity, luck and happiness.

But how many of these believers actually attain prosperity, happiness and blessed with good luck throughout the year, one ponders? Can we be certain that in a famine stricken country, and the many whose cars succumbed the flood, families who were forced to bunk inside stadiums because their apartments caved in, and every passenger inside a plane that crashes, lax observances?”

Flawed Harley

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.’
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ‘ I want to hang out with God.’
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ‘ Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me…’
God commented: ‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?’
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?’
God said, ‘Ah, yes.’
‘Well,’ said Arthur, ‘professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
‘Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,’ replied God, ‘hold on.’
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
‘Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,’ God said to Arthur, ‘but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours!

(Author Unknown)

Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.

He thought about a life-size sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t really know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…” and then he stopped.

“Except what?,” asked the businessman.

“Nothing. Nothing.” said the old man.

“Come on! Tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick’,” said the old man.

“So what’s up with this ‘voodoo dick’” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

“But you haven’t seen what it will do yet,” said the old man. He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo dick the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.

The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick get back in your box!”

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo, and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.

She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the ‘voodoo dick’. She got it out and said, “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help her. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a ‘voodoo dick’ was stuck in her pussy and wouldn’t stop screwing her.

The officer looked at her for a second and then said, “Yea, right. ‘Voodoo dick’ my ass.”

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”
Wife: “No, he won’t.”
Friend: “How do you know?”
The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”
The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!
After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!
So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.
The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

-Author Unknown

Whose God is Mightier

A Catholic, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing about whose God is mightier.

The Catholic said: “Once I went out to see and a storm began suddenly. The boat got upside down and the next moment I was swimming struggling for my life. Then, I started to pray from the bottom of my heart and a miracle happend: A mile around me the water calmed down and I could swim easy and safely to the shore. Our Lord is the most powerful of all!”

The Muslim said: “Once I was crossing the desert with my caravan and a sand storm came out of nowhere. All the people, camels and merchandise got swallowed by sand and I started to pray with all my power and suddenly a mile around me everything got silent and smooth… Allah is the greatest!”

The Jew said: “Once I was going to the synagogue and I saw a wallet full of dollars lying on the pavement… I wanted to pick it up, but it was Sabbath and it would have been such a sin… So, I prayed hard and a miracle happened. A mile around me it became Wednesday! Yahweh is the mightiest of all!”

– Author Unknown

Jewish Bra

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?

He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.

“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?”

“A Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

(Author Unknown)

Knot Hold

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”

(Author Unknown)

So Easy

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

(Author Unknown)

Why Attach It

Karen is trying very hard to get an answer from train conductor.

“Sir, what is the least safest wagon on this train?”

“All of our wagons are safe.” He responds.

“No sir, one must be worst than the others. What is the Least safest wagon on this train?”

“Again, I couldn’t really tell you, all of the wagons are very safe” he responds impatiently.

“You don’t understand, I have a fear of trains, I demand to know which wagon is the least safe so I could avoid it”

“I see, well if I had to guess, I would say the last wagon is the least safest” he responds with conviction.

Karen thinks for few seconds, “So if the last wagon is the least safe. Why do you attach it?”

(Author Unknown)

Genie In a Bottle

PART I
Three men were stranded in the desert-an American, an Italian and a Chinese. As luck would have it, they found a bottle with liquid inside it. As they were rubbing it clean, out a genie appears and granted each of them three wishes. The American went first. He asked for money and money appears in his hand. Being greedy, he again asked for more more money and true enough, more more money appears. At last he thought to himself that he should be back in America instead of being stranded in the desert so he wished for that. His wish was granted.
It was the Italians turn. First he wish for a beautiful women and truly, a beautiful women appears. He then wanted a women far more beautiful than this one and wow! a women exceedingly more beautiful than the first one appears! He grinned himself silly then thought that its time to go back to Italy with two beautiful ladies and in a poof, he was sent back to Italy!
Now it is the turn of the Chinese. Being a simple man, first he ask for a wet towel to keep himself cool. The weather was hot and dry and true enough, a towel appears in his hand! He then ask for a bottle of chinese wine and within seconds, a bottle of chinese wine appears in his hand. Then he thought to himself now who is going to share that bottle with him? So he ask for his two desert companions back, the American and that Italian…

PART II
Again they were all stranded and again as luck would have it, they found yet another bottle and again another genie appears. This genie told them that because he is not that powerful, he can only grant each of them two wishes instead of three. Not wanting to be victimised by that callous Chinese again, both the American and the Italian insisted that the Chinese should start first. After much haggling, the Chinese obliged. Being thirsty and dry in the desert, he desires for another bottle of chinese wine. The genie granted him. Then he thought to himself and being a simple man he was, he reckon there is nothing more that he needed so, he sent the genie back into the bottle.
END.

(Author Unknown)

Thanksgiving

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” means. They explained to him that that means “ladies” and “gentlemen.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, “Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

(Author Unknown)

Fish Hook

Indian Salesman !!!
A keen immigrant Indian boy applied for a salesman’s job at one of London ‘s premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?” “Yes sir, I was a salesman in India “, replied the boy.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“Sir, Just one sale.” said the young salesman.
“Only ONE sale?” blurted the boss.
“No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
“If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale.
By the way “How much was the sale worth?” “300534.00 pounds” said the young Indian.
“What?”, ” How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well”, said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he’d be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he’ll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we’re at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!”
“No” answered the salesman,
“he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, “Sir, your weekend’s screwed anyway. You might as well go fishing.”
Boss – “Here, you can have my chair…….”.

(Author Unknown)

Dam Fish

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

(Author Unknown)

The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me one condom? I am going to my girlfriend’s home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
The pharmacist handed him one and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, “Give me another. My girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too”.
So the pharmacist gave him a second condom and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me, she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!”
During dinner, the young man was sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and started praying, “Dear lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.”
A minute later the boy is still praying, thanking the lord for his kindness.
Ten minutes went by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others looked at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious”.
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

(Author Unknown)

God Im Coming

Five year old Tabitha walks up to her Mummy one day whilst she was washing the dishes. She points directly at her mum’s tits and asks what they are for.

Mummy is taken by surprise. She wasn’t expecting this conversation for some while so she was a tad unprepared. So she says the first thing that comes into her head.

“Well,” she says, “these are my balloons, right?. Now then, if for some sad reason I die, Daddy can blow up my balloons so that I may float away to heaven. D’you see?”

Tabitha seems to accept this and goes away. Mummy congratulates herself on her quick-wittedness.

This smug feeling lasts just one week.

One afternoon Tabitha bursts into the kitchen really distraught.

“Mummy, Mummy! Come quickly. It’s the Au pair girl. I think she is dying!!!”

“Whatever do you mean?” asks Mummy rapidly drying her hands.

“D..D..Daddy is on top of her an’.. an’ he’s holding her down while he blows up her balloons.” stumbles little Tabitha, “an.. an.. an’ she’s shouting “GOD I’M COMING”.

(Author Unknown)

Another Asshole

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

(Author Unknown)

Tongs

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??

The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,

He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.

The Man says :-

“It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food”..

The Shop Man says :-

“Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand”..

He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man’s Trousers and asks :-

“What is that Piece of String for”..???

The Shop Man says :-

“When I need a Pee I just pull on the String and it Pops Out”..

“That’s OK” Says the man.

“But how do you put it Back”..???

“That’s No Problem”, says the Shop Man.

“I just Use the TONGS”..

(Author Unknown)

Sitting In This Wardrobe

This guy hears a rumour that his wife is having an affair with another guy. So one day he comes home early to catch her out.

Sure enough there’s a strange car in the drive. He slams open the door in a rage, stomps up the stairs, barges into the bedroom to see his wife naked in bed, alone.

“OK – where is he ? “ He shouts , looking around, eyes bulging in fury.

“ Who darling? “ she asks innocently.

Suddenly he hears a noise outside. Looking out of the window he sees a guy walking away from the house. In an apoplectic rage he picks up the wardrobe and hurls it through the window, glass and all, hitting the fellow below and crushing him to the ground. His wife shrieks in fury , grabs a heavy table lamp and smashes him over the head. He falls down senseless.

Waking up in the hospital emergency ward, bandaged , bruised and with the worst headache ever, he looked around. On his left is a fellow in terrible shape. Bandaged head, broken arm, leg in traction.

“What happened to you?” he asks

“Well, I was minding my own business just walking along the street when some maniac threw a heavy wardrobe out of a window onto my head! If I ever catch that guy I’m gonna kill him!”

He looks away guiltily.

On his right is another guy in even worse shape. 2 broken arms, 2 broken legs, bandaged head plasma drip, the lot.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“Well I was just sitting in this wardrobe……

(Author Unknown)

Dont Step On The Duck

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
She says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

(Author Unknown)

Suck The Venom Out

Two friend, Paul and Jimmy, are taking a hike in the woods on a hot summer’s day. They come across a pond and decide they are going to cool off. No one is around so the strip down and jump in. After about 5 minutes, Jimmy screams out in agony. “What’s the matter, Jimmy?” Paul asks. Jimmy cries, “I think I got bit by a snake!” They get out of the pool and Paul asks, “Where did it bite you?” Jimmy says, “On my dick!” Paul looks down and sure enough, there are fang marks on Jimmy’s dick. “What do we do?” asks Paul. “Call 911! Call 911”, yells Jimmy. Luckily for them, they are in range so Paul calls 911 on his cell. “My friend just got bit by a snake and we don’t know what to do!”, Paul tells the operator. “Well, the only thing you can do is to suck the venom out,” the operator says. Paul is taken aback. “Is there no other way? What happens if we can’t do that?” The operator says, “Well, if the snake was poisonous, then your friend is going to die.” Paul is dejected. He can’t believe what he has to do. “What did 911 say?” Jimmy asks, still agonizing in pain. Paul says, “They say you’re going to die.”

(Author Unknown)

Get your own blanket

A priest and a nun were on their way home from a weekend sabbatical when their car broke down.

It was too late to have it repaired so they had to spend the night at a hotel.

Unfortunately the hotel had only one room available but since it had two beds, they decided that it would be okay to share it.

After they’d turned in for the night the nun said to the priest, “You know what Father, I’m really cold -could you get me another blanket from the closet?”

The Father got up, retrieved the blanket, placed it over the nun, and got back into his bed.

About 10 minutes later the nun said “You’re not gonna believe this Father, but I’m still really cold. Could you possibly get me another blanket from the closet?”

The priest gets up, retrieves a blanket, places it over the nun, and gets back into his bed.

About 10 minutes later the nun says “I don’t know how to tell you this Father, but I’m still really cold. So for just one night could we possibly pretend that we’re married and share the same bed? There’d be no funny business or anything -it would just be warmer that way and I wouldn’t have to keep bothering you for blankets.”

In the interest of getting some sleep the priest agreed to pretend that they were married and they got into the same bed together.

About 10 minutes later the nun says “I really hate to tell you this Father, but I’m still feeling cold. Is there anyway you possibly get me just one more blanket from the closet?”

And the priest replies “We’re married, get your own blanket!”

(Author unknown)

Three Nuns

Three nuns sitting together chatting.
The first nun says to the second nun “ you won’t believe what I found in the father’s desk drawer!”
“What was it?” the second nun asks..
“It was a magazine full of pictures of naked women!” The first nun explained.
“What did you do?” The second nun asks.
“ I just closed the drawer and walked out.” Said the first nun.
Then the second nun says quietly “you won’t believe what I found in the father’s bottom drawer!”
The first nun says “what,what did you find?”
“ I found a whole bag full of condoms!!” The second nun answers.
“Well what did you do then?” Asks the first nun.
“ I poked a hole in every one with a needle!!” The second nun exclaimed..
That’s when the third nun said worriedly “oh shit..”

– Author Unknown