Arthritis

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool….After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

(Author Unknown)

Hot Momma

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

The day after, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

Later that week, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you advised Doc, ‘Get a hot mamma, be cheerful.’ ”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’ ”

(Author Unknown)

Between Two Ghosts

Ghost 1: Hey

Ghost 2: Hey

Ghost 1: How did you die?

Ghost 2: I was mistakenly locked up in a refrigerator. At first, I was chilling, then, I started freezing, and then, I couldn’t breathe… I died of suffocation.

Ghost 1: Wow…. what a sad way to die!

Ghost 2: Yeah. How did you die then?

Ghost 1: I died of a heart attack.

Ghost 2: What happened?

Ghost 1: My wife cheated on me.

I came back home and saw a man’s pair of shoes. I then rushed to the bedroom and met my wife there. She was naked. I knew there was a man in the house because my neighbor told me so. And I know the man was still in the house because my wife was undressed and scared. So I started running and searching the whole house. I dashed to the kid’s room, the kitchen, toilet, bathroom, wardrobe, dining, I couldn’t find him anywhere but I was very tired after the run so, I suffered a heart attack!

Ghost 2: IDIOT!!!! If you would have checked the refrigerator we’d both be alive by now!!!

(Author unknown)

Taboo Trade

“There must be an element that piques academicians to want to study art. There must also be another element that piques interest in art collecting. That element, in contrary to what many thought was two prong, stems from just one single prong. And that is the monetary worth attached to art. That monetary worth is not spurred only by tradespeople and collectors.
From the tradespeople and collectors point of view , if we thrash monetary worth because some considers it taboo to even mention it, then all that is left in art appreciation from the very beginning is the inert beauty attached to them. Not ugliness. For who would want to commission, albeit collect an ugly picture?
Thus, it is this encounter and fascination with pretty pictures and the grasp it has on collectors who are willing to pay top dollars, that spurs academicians to want to study and dissect them, thence publish their findings. Yet, there is another aspect which scholars decide if a pretty picture is art worthy. And that is ‘a pretty picture must also be thought provoking’ as well. The narrative side. And a thought provoking picture is not necessarily pretty to look at. Hence academicians does have a role to play in how ugliness expounded by some artist seeps into the art domain as important which was once only about beauty.
Thus, with all these accusations that collectors were the reason why commercialism thrive in art, one has to look further to the cause and include scholarly pursuits as yet another guilty element that assist in the monetary worth of artworks by reason based on their findings.
It is very clear that when one noted scholar or authenticator declares a work dubious, thence it’s collectibility and worth will drop rapidly, despite it being pretty, or thought provoking. And if another ugly work is endorsed by ten scholars as sufficiently good material, its value will skyrocket, with or without that taboo element some called it trade.”

Replacement doctor

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick on my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.  That was what was probably making her sick.”

The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As the left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

(Author Unknown)

Becoming Irish

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..

“What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.

“Mohammad,” he replied.

“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher,

“so from now on you will be known as Mick.”

Mohammad returned home after school.

“How was your day, Mohammad?” his mother asked.

“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mick”

“Are you ashamed of your name?” his mother asked. “Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”

And his mother beat the shit out of him.

Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.

“What happened to you, Mick?” she asked.

“Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims.

(Author Unknown)

Pull the trigger

An international Mafia Godfather found out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was one of the reasons that he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that since Guido couldn’t hear and say anything, he would never have to testify in a court of law .

When the Godfather goes to interrogate Guido about the missing money of $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language used by the deaf.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ” Where’s the money?”.

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says to the lawyer, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him the truth.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! I’ll tell you. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

(Author Unknown)