Not in the Car??

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car…

“Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said… “These are your children sir..!”

(In the car were their Landlady’s two daughters, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, his secretary’s son and their neighbours two sons!)

The Wife in full anger said,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children..??”

The man asked her calmly…

“Then why are our children not in the car..??”

(Author unknown)

Arthur

Arthur is 85 years old. 

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.”

 

“Oh, no,” she replied.

 

Once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

 

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: “Why don’t

 

you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

 

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “George is ninety two. He can’t help.”

 

“He may be ninety two,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

 

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball ?”

 

“Of course I did !”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

 

“Where did it go ?” asks Arthur.

 

“Can’t remember.”

(Author Unknown)

5 Year Old Son After reading a Story About a King

Son: “Mom, I also want 3 wives.

One will cook for me, one will sing for me, one will bathe me!”

Mom: “And which one will you sleep with?”

Son: “No mom, I will still sleep beside you.”

<<Mom’s eyes welled up with tears.>>

“God bless you son!” Mom said.

But who will sleep with your 3 wives then?”

Son: “Let them sleep with daddy!”

<<Dad’s eyes then filled up with tears>>

“God bless you son!” Dad said.

(Author Unknown)

Christmas Tree

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father—‘ Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

Surprised father answered–

‘Well son, there are three kinds of boobs.

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.

Son– Onions?

Father— Yes, you see them and they make you cry.

This made his wife and daughter mad.

So the daughter said–Mom, how many kinds of ‘penises’ are there?

The mother smiled and answered– ‘

Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.

Daughter- A Christmas tree?

Mom-‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

(Author Unknown)

Mini Empires

“They finally realise it’s easier to rob our marderland without antagonising each other, having accidentally grab each other’s balls during one of their many spars.

Before, we were all at peace, for when they hated each other, they literally cross check each other out to our benefit.

But now, as they begin blow-jobbing each other to orgasm, we are fed with more cums as they cross each other out inside the ring. These once arch nemesis now turned lovers suddenly realise it’s easier to follow market trend and live a life of immorality instead, both harbouring a mutual hatred of being incestuously screwed left, right and centre by the old man who claims to be their stepfather.

But are we as citizens, going to take these lying down, and wait, as they tie the nuptial knot , promising to loosen the noise around each other’s neck, as we limitlessly ponder about accountability, transparency and whatever fark they claim to preach now gone to the ditch? But can the policemen be at the round table for long sitting with the robbers?

Well, in Malaysia as they say, ‘Money talks, and bullshit walks!’

Integrity and the rakyats welfare can certainly take a back seat to their own mini empires.”

Your Story

People change.

Things change.

Nothing is permanent.

Life is a journey.

Pick your own poison.

Go with the flow.

Live your destiny.

You don’t decide your existence.

You just live it.

You become your story.

Adult Theme Jokes

To make it straight, she pulls it..

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

It’s hell of a job threading a needle!!!

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4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower

Bleeding without getting hurt

Giving milk without eating grass

Making boneless meat hard.

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What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’

It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

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Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: You fool, it’s uncle. Papa never comes with raincoat!

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A hubby said to his wife, ‘I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..’

The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

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What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, ‘I would rather have 7 inches at1 time.

Not 1 inch 7 times.’

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The vagina is the world’s best rehabilatation/correction center.

Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

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A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattoed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, ‘There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.’

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Lady was trying on a dress.

Husband: ‘Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!’

Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’

Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

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(Author Unknown)

An Ancient Love Poem

(Someone copied this poem and made an atrocious ending to it thus making it very distasteful and offensive when it is meant to be just that, a beautiful lighthearted poem on making love. I encountered it in the 80s when I was a student in Singapore and managed to keep a copy of it which I posted it now. I don’t claim to be the author and I am not plagiarising it. I will give credit when due (please convince me ) because the author’s name was not on my copy, but certainly I am not going to acknowledge the one, a professor in the US shared. His version doesn’t even rhyme well or sound correct if I may be so bold to say)

This is as original as it sounds.

Adam & Eve, as everyone knows

Lived in a garden, without any clothes

And in the garden, there were two little leaves

One covered Adam, the other Eve

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As the story goes, needless to say

Along came the wind, which blew them away

And the wondering sight, that made Adam stare

Was Eve’s rookie, all covered with hair

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The night was calm, with a silvery moon

And soon they both found, a place to spoon

And the amazing sight, that met Eve’s eyes

Was Adam’s ‘thing’, as it started to rise

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Adam thrust, with all his might

For his was big, and hers was small and tight

And forward and backward, he did stride

Till friction made Eve, all juicy inside

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She jerks and moan, as he teases her darts

Her legs spread wider, as he pistons her tart

Then all of a sudden, Eve gave a loud shrill

As Adam’s ‘thing’, began to spill

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Adam was so spent, but down Eve went

She sucks him wildly and devour his content

She made him twitch, and pleases him good

As Adam kept spurting, till he ran out of food

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Three months later, all went well

Six months later, ‘What a swell!’

Nine months later, what a shock!

Out comes a baby, with a nine inch c’ck!

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(Author Unknown)

Gynaecologist

Sitting at home with his wife, a man casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

He loses concentration for a split second and one peanut went inside his left ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeded only in forcing the thing in, awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to visit the hospital. On their way out, they meet their daughter with her boyfriend.

The Boyfriend took control of the situation.

He told them he’s studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks his two fingers down the man’s nose and asks him to blow.

Lo & Behold! The nut shot out from his ear and out across the room!

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get a drink , the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.

“So…..” the wife says, “What do you think he’d become after he finishes medicine school? A GP or a surgeon?”

“Well…..” said the man rubbing his nose, “By the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to become a gynaecologist.”

(Author Unknown)

Pedro

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, ‘Pedro! What is that?’

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, ‘Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.’

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

‘Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!’

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, ‘Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.’

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

‘Maria? *Now* what’s wrong???’

‘Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!

(Author Unknown)

What Women Wants

Seven (7) doors to her heart.

Some say five (5).

There had been disputes concerning ways to win a women to your side.

Here’s mine.

Attention

Attention is being aware of others, besides ourselves, and being the focus of someone’s loving attention. Every woman needs someone who is there to listen to their deepest feelings and needs, and understands her intentions, and fears. Every woman needs that kind of attention to thrive, to be the best they can be. It shows that you care and want her to be around.

Admiration

Admiration is why she grooms herself daily and spends substantial time and savings on skin care and clothes, to look magical to you. When she is constantly admired, she can feel your undivided presence which affirms her self worth, boosts her esteem, and gives her self confidence. It allays her fears and insecurity and warms herself up to you.

Acceptance

In order to be intimate, woman needs to feel safe, accepted, relaxed, and worthy. Trying to challenge her good sense, oppose or challenge her, will not win you love, respect, or understanding. If you accept her for who she is, it means that you are seeing the truth in her within your relationship. That will calm her and give her a sense of stability and safety. It makes her feel homey as she welcomes you into her life and her inner thoughts.

Appreciation

Appreciating her efforts makes her feel good about herself and increases the chances of her love connection with you. Showing her gratitude and validating her efforts reinforces your good relationship. That she knows she can be of help in times of need and contribute to your well being. Women cares when they are in love. Not knowing when to reciprocate her thoughtfulness by showing her appreciation makes her feel rejected.

Affection

As humans, we all need emotional, spiritual and physical affection. It requires some direct behaviors that show us the proof of these things. Affection is often a code word for sex but oftentimes, there can be sex just by being attentive, unexpectedly hugging her from behind, showering her with surprise gifts, sending note cards, dropping her a line when you are busy, these are some keys that makes her feel wanted.

Allowing

Allowing means letting her be who she is, and not trying to control her, change her, cage her, or force her into a mould she finds irrational, intolerable or humiliating. Allowing is the essence of unconditional love. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t set limits in your relationship with her. You can. But setting limits is done to protect your relationship and yourself; whereas controlling is making her do what you want. Acceptance doesn’t make sense without allowing.

Affirmation

Affirming is to express agreement with, or commitment to uphold and support her thoughts and ideas, or her words or actions. To agree or concur with her gives her the emotional support and encouragement she needs, that what she does is all correct.

I stand open to be corrected. But try not to be abusive with your language.

(Author Unknown)