Second Mistake

*Muthu’s* salary was *$2000.* One month he received *$2200* and he kept quiet. The following month he received *$1,800* and he went straight to the HR Manager to complain.

The HR manager asked why he did not complain the previous month.

Muthu replied *”l normally forgive the first mistake but when you make a second mistake l do not tolerate”*

(Author Unknown)

Goat died

A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide.

Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river.

However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, “If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I’ll resurrect your family.

However, if you fail to do that, I’ll eat you alive.”

The young boy agrees, and tries his best.

However, he soon gives up and the mermaid eats him.

At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead.

When he walks up to the river and sees his brother’s remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.

Grinning, he asks the mermaid, “What if you give up and died on me instead due to all that sex?”

Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies, ” You really think you can make love to me 20 times?”

Boy:

“How else do you think the goat died?”

(Author Unknown)

Over smart Doctors

A doctor opens his clinic & pasted this notice outside the door:

“Any sickness, Rm300. Any sickness we can’t treat, YOU get back Rm1000!

A confidence trickster on reading this came in. He was so confident he could rip this doctor off. He said to the doctor, “Doctor, my tongue just can’t taste anything!” The doctor asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine on his tongue from box no. 22. The man spontaneously shouts: “What d ___ …its URINE!!

The doctor says “Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now!” The man was dumbfounded as he loses Rm300.

Two weeks later he is back to seek revenge and claim back what he had lost.

“Doc, I’ve lost my memory!” he said. Again, the doctor told the nurse, “Nurse, could you please put a few drops of medicine from Box no 22 onto his tongue?” The confidence trickster jumps up before the nurse could do so and said “Wait doc! but that medicine is for my sense of taste!” “Very well” doctor said, “Your memory is back!”

Moral of the story: Don’t try to over-smart doctors…

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”

Wife: “No, he won’t.”

Friend: “How do you know?”

The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”

The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!

After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!

So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.

The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

(Author Unknown)

Airplane Glue

Norman and Barry got married in California.

They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,

he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, ‘No’.

Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’

Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ‘

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’

His mom says, ‘No.’

He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘OK, now tell me what you think.’

He says: ‘Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’

(Author Unknown)

Sister in law

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn’t overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said.

“If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold! My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, ‘Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son..’

… Well the moral of this story is:

“Always keep your condoms in your car”.

(Author Unknown)

Husband Shopping Center

A Husband Shopping Center just opened where women could just walked in and pick up a husband from amongst the many available there. It is laid out in five floors, each floor categorized with men of different attributes. However, there is one catch. If you do not choose a man from that floor, but wishes to ascend higher to try your luck, you cannot descend again except to exit the building. One woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the signboard says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. ‘Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?’

So up she goes.

The second floor signage says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

‘Hmm better.’ says the woman. ‘But, I wonder what’s further up?’

The third floor signage reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and helps with the housework.

‘Wow!,’ says the woman, ‘Very tempting. BUT, there must be better ones further up!’

So again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the signage reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, helps with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

‘Oh, mercy me! But just think…what must be awaiting me on the last floor?

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The signage on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

(Author Unknown)

Ramasamy

Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will. His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.

“So”, he says to them:

“Lingam, I want you to take over the Jalan Duta houses…”

“Saraswathy, take over the apartments in Kota Damansara Place…”

“Jega, I want you to take over the offices in KL Sentral.”

“Letchumi, my dear wife, you can take over all the residential buildings in Bangsar.”

The nurse is amazed by all this, and as Ramasamy passes away, she says, “Mrs. Letchumi, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to be able to own all these properties.”

Letchumi replied, “Nonono! He delivers newspapers to all these places & now we have to take over and deliver newspapers to all these places lah…”

(Author Unknown )

Lone Ranger

Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

“What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

“You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole our tent.”

(Author Unknown)

I Nearly Died

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating durians. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small stall and the odor of durians was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the stall and before I knew it, I had consumed three large fruits. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The durians I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like half a ton of dried salted fish.

I fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking garbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

‘Happy Birthday!’!!

I nearly died!!!

(Author Unknown)

How much are you giving?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped a bus load of politicians, and *they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.*

“Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations”.

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks…

The man replies, *”Roughly 2 litres.”

(Author Unknown)

This Student failed his Exam

(This student failed his exam.)

Is it logical? Let’s look at his answers and determine it for ourselves..

*Q1: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEON DIE?*

“`HIS LAST BATTLE.“`

*Q2: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?*

“`AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.“`

*Q3: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?*

“`LIQUID.“`

*Q4: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?*

“`MARRIAGE.“`

*Q5: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?*

“`EXAMS.“`

*Q6: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?*

“`LUNCH & DINNER.“`

*Q7: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?*

“`THE OTHER HALF.“`

*Q8: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?*

“`WET.“`

*Q9: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?*

“`NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.“`

*Q10: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?*

“`YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND“`

*Q11: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?*

“`VERY LARGE HANDS“`

*Q12: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?*

“`NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT“`

*Q13: HOW CAN YOU DROP A RAW EGG ONTO A CONCRETE FLOOR WITHOUT CRACKING IT?*

“`ANY WAY YOU WANT, CONCRETE FLOORS ARE VERY HARD TO CRACK.“`

(Author Unknown)

Barbeque

Men organising a BBQ on Whatsapp…..

* Man 1: * Hey guys, when are we going to have a bbq?

* Man 2: * Thursday at 8 pm at the “Man 9” house

* Man 1: * Okay, what do we take?

* Man 9: * I buy the meat and drinks, then we split.

* Man 5: * Ok

* Man 1: * Ok

* Man 3: * Ok

* Man 2: * Ok

* Man 4: * Ok

* Man 6: * Ok

* Man 7: * Ok

* Man 8: * Ok

* Man 10: * Ok

* Man 11: * Ok

* Man 12: * Ok

* Man 13: * Ok

* Man 14: * Ok

* Man 15: * Ok

*END OF CONVERSATION*

WOMEN organizing BBQ on WhatsApp

* Woman 1: * Hi guys, when are we going to meet and have a bbq?

* Woman 2: * Thursday at 8 pm?

* Woman 3: * Where?

* Woman 2: * I don’t know

* Woman 4: * Where girls?

* Woman 4: * If you want you can come to Mom’s house

* Woman 2: * Wouldn’t it be better to go to a restaurant?

* Woman 5: * No, in a house it’s better, so we don’t spend so much and we have more time

* Woman 2: * Ok by me

* Woman 3: * Ok

* Woman 5: * Ok

* Woman 4: * Ok

* Woman 6: * Okay what? Restaurant or home?

* Woman 2: * House

* Woman 7: * Restaurant

* Woman 2: * Let’s go to Woman 4’s house then

* Woman 3: * Okay, what do we take?

* Woman 8: * Does anyone know how to bbq?

* Woman 2: * I’m excited 👏🏻👏🏻

* Woman 6: * What will we buy?

* Woman 2: * Let’s make a list

* Woman 8: * Ok

* Woman 4: * A little meat and salad, what do you think?

* Woman 5: * Well I’m on a diet so I’m going to eat only lettuce and tomatoes

* Woman 2: * Okay, then?

* Woman 1: * I’ll make a list and each one says what they can bring

* Woman 2: * Greek salad

* Woman 3: * Quinoa

* Woman 4: * Sausage and potatoes

* Woman 5: * Lettuce, tomato and some vegetables for another salad

* Woman 1: * Okay, how much?

* Woman 6: * I don’t know

* Woman 2: * 5 sausages?

* Woman 2: * Who eats sausage?

* Woman 2: * I don’t

* Woman 5: * I don’t

* Woman 7: * I don’t

* Woman 3: * I don’t

* Woman 4: * I don’t

* Woman 8: * I don’t

* Woman 1: * Okay, I won’t buy sausage then

* Woman 2: * But you, Woman 4, why did you say you were going to buy sausage if you don’t eat it?

* Woman 4: * Because I had put myself in the shoes of someone who eats sausage

* Woman 1: * Ok, no sausage then

* Woman 1: * Sosaties and steak, 1 kilo and 1 kilo, okay?

* Woman 7: * It seems little

* Woman 1: * How much then?

* Woman 2: * I don’t know

* Woman 2: * Girls? What do you think?

* Woman 8: * I think it’s half a kilo per person

* Woman 4: * How many are we?

* Woman 1: * I don’t know. Girls, confirm who’s going

* Woman 2: * I will

* Woman 3: * I will

* Woman 5: * I will

* Woman 6: * I will

* Woman 7: * I will

* Woman 8: * I will

* Woman 9: * I will

* Woman 10: * I will

* Woman 11: * I will

* Woman 4: * When is it?

* Woman 2: * Thursday?

* Woman 4: * I can’t, I have a doctor’s appt

* Woman 2: * What bad luck, we dpn’t have a venue for the braai then?

* Woman 4: * Sorry girls, the reminder for this appointment just rang

* Woman 1: * What other house is available?

* Woman 8: * How many are we?

* Woman 2: * 10

* Woman 3: * It doesn’t fit in my house

* Woman 5: * Not mine either

* Woman 6: * Not mine either

* Woman 7: * Much less in mine

* Woman 8: * Not mine either

* Woman 9: * Not mine either

* Woman 10: * In mine it may… but I need chairs, can someone bring?

* Woman 2: * Woman 11 has a chair rental shop, she can take

* Woman 5: * But she doesn’t answer, she must be working

* Woman 9: * I don’t eat sausage

* Woman 2: * We still need to find a venue

* Woman 12: * Sorry girls, I just got on the phone, what happened?

* Woman 2: * We are still looking for a venue

* Woman 12: * Come to my house, no stress

* Woman 2: * Ok, excellent

* Woman 12: * Wait … what day?

* Woman 2: * Thursday at 8 pm

* Woman 12: * Huummmmm that complicates things … can it be on Wednesday?

* Woman 2: * Fine by me

* Woman 2: * Same time?

* Woman 2: * Yes?

* Woman 3: * I will

* Woman 4: * I will

* Woman 5: * I have to take Gabi to her grandmother’s house, but I can go later after she falls asleep

* Woman 8: * Okay.

* Woman 9: * I will

* Woman 6: * I will

* Woman 7: * I will

* Woman 11: * I will

* Woman 2: * Done, Wednesday at the home of Woman 12.

* Woman 3: * Yes

* Woman 1: * Girls, coming back to the braai.. do I buy half a kilo per person?

* Woman 8: * Yes

* Woman 1: * Ok, so I’ll ask Pieter to buy

* Woman 2: * Ok… and what will we do about drinks?

* Woman 3: * Each one takes whatever they drink and that’s it

* Woman 9: * I can’t because I go straight from work

* Woman 6: * Well, Woman 1 better buy everything and split up later

* Woman 1: * Girls, I can’t buy everything, does anyone give me a hand?

* Woman 6: * I’ll help, what do you drink girls?

* Woman 2: * Coke Zero

* Woman 4: * Water

* Woman 5: * Natural juice

* Woman 6: * Sparkling water

* Woman 9: * Aloe water

* Woman 3: * Girls, can we buy Peach Iced tea?

* Woman 8: * Let’s go to a restaurant girls,that’s less effort

* Woman 2: * I think so too

* Woman 4: * Me too

* Woman 6: * Me too

* Woman 7: * Me too

* Woman 9: * Me too

* Woman 11: * Me too

* Woman 12: * Me too

* Woman 1: * Ahhh no girls, I already sent Pieter to buy everything, we have to bbq

* Woman 2: * Uhh crap…

* Woman 4: * I want water, but it has to be Bonaqua that has less sodium, so I don’t get bloated

* Woman 1: * Girls, can we organize please ?????

* Woman 2: * Ok

* Woman 6: * Ok

* Woman 4: * Ok

* Woman 9: * Ok

* Woman 5: * Ok

* Woman 8: * Ok

* Woman 11: * I don’t eat sausage either

* Woman 5: * (sending a chain) Girls… please share… The dog is called BOB… he got lost yesterday near the station, if everyone works together we can find him and get him bacl to his owners… They must be worried sick!

* Woman 6: * Yes, poor BOB

* Woman 9: * BOB is beautiful!! What breed is he?

* Woman 5: * I don’t know … got this on my yoga group

* Woman 2: * But do you know the owners?

* Woman 5: * No, but I felt sorry for BOB

* Woman 1: * Pieter called me from the butcher shop saying they don’t have steak, what else should we get?

* Woman 2: * I prefer chorizo steak

* Woman 4: * Me too

* Woman 1: * Girls, we can decide right away because Pieter is going to kill me, he’s at the butcher shop waiting for us to decide

* Woman 6: * I think it is unfair to always be like this, we are always the same ones that organize everything and nobody else is moved to do anything

* Woman 10: * Hi girls, I just woke up and I have 369 messages in our group, what happened??

* Woman 3: * I’ll tell you………….

(Author Unknown)

THE BRONZE RAT

A Tourist walked into a

Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at

the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike,

life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?” Ahhh, you have chosen

wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,”

said the wise old chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street

carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster!

Terrified, he ran to the edge

of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the

curio shop in Chinatown.

Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

No sir,” said the man,

I came back to see if

you have a bronze Umno member”.

Will not Live to see That Day

Three old men went to see God.

The 1st old man an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession.

“100 years,” God said.

The American started crying. “I will not live to see that day”

2nd man a Russian, asked God “When will my country become prosperous?”

50 years, came the reply.

The Russian too started crying. “I will not live to see that day.”

Finally third man, a MALAYSIAN asked God,”when will my country become corruption free?”

God started crying. I will not live to see that day.

(Author Unknown)

Miscounted

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”

(Author Unknown)

Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word ‘Typewriter’.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

(Author Unknown)

What a Coincidence!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.

‘This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.’

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.

‘I’m a chicken farmer and all of last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’

‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘What a coincidence!’

(Author Unknown)

Raise the Dead

Pastor: “Now, for our healing prayers, please raise your left hand towards the direction of the altar.”

Old man: “How about the right hand pastor?”

Pastor: “Place your right hand on the part of your body that needs to be healed.

(OLD MAN TOUCHES HIS PRIVATE PART WITH HIS RIGHT HAND)

Pastor: “Sir, why are you touching your private part?”

Old man: “I just followed you command pastor!”

Pastor: “Yes I know. But this is to heal the sick. Not to raise the dead!”

(Author Unknown)

40 years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband then thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an

opportunity like this will never come again. I’m

sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30

years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and

poof!…

(The husband became 92 years old).

(Author Unknown)

Once upon a time in Victorian England

A newly commissioned, just posted cornet stands at attention in his splendid blue and gold Hussar uniform, and smartly salutes the colonel who has specially selected him to join his crack cavalry regiment.

‘At ease, dear boy’, smiles the colonel. ‘And for God’s sake, relax! We don’t stand on ceremony or spit and polish here… the troop sergeants drill the men, and we officers sleep in and have fun all day! Mondays we drink! We all head for the Mess, where we guzzle port, whiskey, champagne, wine, brandy, vodka- the lot until we’re completely blotto!’

‘Actually, Sir, I don’t drink.’

‘Ah. Well, Tuesdays, we gamble! We all head for the Mess, and play baccarat, pontoon, vingt-et-un, bridge, poker- huge stakes! Absolute fortunes have been won and lost at the turn of a card!’

‘Actually, Sir, I don’t gamble.’

‘Ah. Well… Wednesdays! You’ll love Wednesdays! We all head for the Mess, and have in a LOVELY selection of popsies! Gorgeous little tarts- all shapes, all sizes, all colours, all ages, all dressed in their frillies, and we…

‘‘Erm…Actually, Sir, I don’t like… using women in that fashion.’

‘Good God, my boy!’, says the colonel. ‘What are you, gay or something?’

‘Actually, Sir, no, I’m not.’

‘Ah’, says the colonel, shaking his head sadly. ‘ Well, in that case, you’re not going to like Thursdays much either.’

(Author Unknown)

Ceylonese Blood

A rich Arab Sheikh was admitted at a hospital in USA for a major surgery but prior to the surgery the doctors asked to store his blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found easily.

So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally a Ceylonese named Singam was located who had a similar type of blood.

Singam willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.

After the surgery, as appreciation for giving his blood the Sheikh sent Singam a new BMW, Gold, Diamonds, Lapiz Lazuli Jewellery, and a million Dirhams.

A few weeks later the Sheikh again had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Singam, who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Singam a thank you card . Singam was shocked to see that the Sheikh this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Sheikh and said ‘This time also I thought that you would give me car, jewelry and other expensive gifts, but you gave only a thank you card.

To this the Sheikh replied:

“Appu…. now I have Ceylonese blood in my veins!! What do you expect?_”

(Author Unknown)

Remove your clothes

Patel* : remove your clothes.

Wife* : Why Remove my clothes?

Patel* : Just do and come beside me on the bed.

Wife* :Okay they are off.

Patel* : Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.

Wife* : Please I am not in the mood.

Patel* : Just remove your panties and bra and stop all this your everyday “not in the mood story”!

Wife* : Okay they are off. What’s next?

Patel* : I just want you to help me count my money. Every time you help me count the money while your clothes are on, I always find shortages!!

(Author Unknown)

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charges £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts.

The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received £15000.

She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt.

Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Edinburgh.”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said.

”Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver you £15,000 inheritance in person.”

(Author Unknown)

Present Economy of Malaysia

*Employee*: *Boss, from tomorrow, I will go home at 6 pm sharp daily.*

*Boss*: *Why, what happened ?*

*Employee*: *Sir my Salary is not sufficient for me. I want to drive grab at night. I have to support my family.*

*Boss*: Ok. Go ahead . But, if you feel hungry at night, come to Bukit Bintang.

Employee : Why Sir ?

Boss: *I sell satay there*

(Author Unknown)

Lack of Vocabulary

A Priest used to keep chickens at his church.

One Evening , one cock from his lot went missing.

So, at evening mass, he asked : “Who has a Cock?”

All MEN got up!

Priest : “No no, I mean, who has seen a cock?”

All WOMEN got up!

Priest : ” No No , I Mean , who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”

Half the WOMEN Got up!

Priest : “For Heavens sake , who has seen my cock?”

*All NUNS got up!”

(Author Unknown)