Fishing

The rain was pouring down heavily in Bangsar, KL. And standing in front of a big puddle outside a pub, was an old Uncle, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

Arun, a passer-by stopped and asked, “What are you doing, uncle?”

“Fishing” replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, Arun said, “Come out of the rain and have a drink with me, uncle.”

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, Arun cannot resist asking, “So how many fish have you caught today?”

“You’re the eighth” says the old man!

(Author Unknown)

Men Don’t Listen

Satish and his wife Sarala received a letter from their daughter who had gone to study “Modern Biochemistry” overseas.

She wrote, “My beloved parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back, you will be so old. Therefore, I am enclosing a bottle of a red potion that I have invented. It will make you 5 years younger, and so when I return, you will be the same age as I left you. *Please, take only a drop.* Goodbye I love you!”

They opened the envelope and found the bottle with the red potion.

Satish looked at his wife and said, “You go first.”

Sarala took a drop and when she indeed turned 5 years younger, Satish immediately did the same.

Years later, the daughter returns home to find her mother… she is younger and happier, and she is carrying a baby on her back. She tells her daughter how the potion worked and how it has made her look younger. The daughter is happy and she asks about her father.

“Your father? Hmmm! You know how men don’t listen! He drank the whole bottle.”

“Whaaat! Where is he?”

“Who do you think is on my back?”

(Author Unknown)

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called *’Disorder in the American Courts’* and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

______________________

*ATTORNEY*: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

*WITNESS* : Did you actually pass the law exam?

______________________

*ATTORNEY* : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

*WITNESS* : He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

_____________________

*ATTORNEY* : Were you present when your picture was taken?

*WITNESS* : Are you serious.

______________________

*ATTORNEY*: She had three children, right?

*WITNESS* : Yes.

*ATTORNEY* : How many were boys?

*WITNESS* : None.

*ATTORNEY* : Were there any girls?

*WITNESS* : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________

*ATTORNEY* : How was your first marriage terminated?

*WITNESS* : By death.

*ATTORNEY* : And by whose death was it terminated?

*WITNESS* : Take a guess.

______________________

*ATTORNEY* : Can you describe the individual?

*WITNESS* : He was about medium height and had a beard.

*ATTORNEY* : Was this a male or a female?

*WITNESS* : Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.

______________________

*ATTORNEY* : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

*WITNESS :* All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

______________________

*ATTORNEY*: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

*WITNESS* : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

*ATTORNEY* : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

*WITNESS* : If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________

*ATTORNEY*: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : Did you check for blood pressure?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : Did you check for breathing?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

*WITNESS* : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

*ATTORNEY* : But could the patient have still been alive?

*WITNESS*: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

(Author Unknown)

Do you have an Eraser?

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

 

This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

“This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords.” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask him for assistance.

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?

The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, “l believe, Your Holiness that you’re looking for the word, ‘aunt’ “.

 “Of course!” the Pope declared, “Do you have an eraser?”

(Author Unknown)

Go to sleep

Said a Male mosquito to its wife:

Darling I will hunt a Lion for you..

FemaleMosq:

Ok fine, now go to sleep

MaleMosq: I will bite an elephant and bring his blood for you..

FemaleMosq:

Sure love, now go to sleep..

MaleMosq: I will drive you around Paris in a Mercedes

FemaleMosq:

Hmm ok, now go to sleep…

MaleMosq: You dont trust me? I will get you a 100 gms Gold chain…

FemaleMosq:

You idiot, now go to sleep…

How many times have I told you not to come home after biting a politician!

(Author Unknown)

Local Call

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from North to South.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read.

‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied.

“That is a direct line to Heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God”.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta.

There, in a very large cathedral, he saw another golden telephone, with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him.

“That is a direct line to Heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God”.

“OK, thank you,”

said the American.

He then travelled all across America, then onto Europe, England, Japan, and New Zealand.

In every church he saw an identical golden telephone with the same.

‘$10,000 per call’

sign under it.

The American decided to travel to China, to see if China had the same phone.

After he landed in China, he went into the first church he found.

There was the golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read.

’40 Cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

“Father, I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches.

I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call”.

“Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered.

“You’re in China now son…….”

“THIS IS HEAVEN,”

(Author Unknown)

“so it’s a local call’.

Chinese Medicine Made Simple.

“Western medicine is complicated whereas Chinese medicine is simple. To the Chinese sinseh, every single bodily malfunction boils down to heatiness, boils down to your liver. To heal your liver, they’d prescribe you bitter herbs to boil and drink. To speed up healing, you sleep. Under multifold layers of blanket.”

Too Little

A PM in one country visited a kindergarten and asked them

“How much is the budget for each child’s food consumption per month?”

They told him: “$ 400.”

He said: “That is a lot .. “

And so they reduced it to $ 300.

Then he visited the prisons and asked them: “How much is the prisoner’s food budget per month?”

They told him: “$ 400 sir.”

He said:

“That is too little!.. Increase it to $ 1000!”

A minister accompanying him was appalled by the PMs strange decision so he asked him:

“Honourable PM, I am curious. Why reduce the budget for food for the kindergarten children but increases the allowance for the prisoners?”

The PM replied: “Do you really think that after leaving the Government service , people like us would end up in the kindergarten ?”

(Author Unknown)

I’ll Do The Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in mint conditions

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple,”says the seller, “Whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain”, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they rode the bike there.

Just before they entered the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat, we don’t talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes”.

“No problem”, Joe says.. And in they went.

Joe was shocked. Right in the middle of the living room was a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks!

They sat down for dinner, and sure enough, no one said a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one said a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Nobody said a word.

Fascinated, Joe stood up, grabs her, rips off her clothes, threw her on the table and screws her right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom, horrified! After Joe sat down, no one said a word.

He looks at her mum “She’s got a great body too!” He thought to himself.

So Joe grabs mom, bent her over the table, pulled down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose, right there on the dinner table.

She had a big orgasm, and Joe sat down again.

His girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and mum was beaming from ear to ear. But still, total silence.

All of a sudden, there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain.

Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.

“I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes…..!!”

(Author Unknown)

Couple Fight

Fight between husband and wife (both with MA in English literature). Instead of resorting to shouting, abusing or physical force… they write poems to each other.

*WIFE*

I wrote your name on sand it got washed

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away

Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got a Heart Attack.

*HUSBAND*

God saw me hungry, he created pizza

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi

He saw me in the dark, he created light

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

*WIFE*

Twinkle twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far

*HUSBAND*

The rain makes all things beautiful

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn’t it rain on you?

*WIFE*

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.

*Husband*

Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in cage but laughing at you!!

(Author Unknown)

China Dolls ni

“Out of curiosity, I registered with a dating site, earning myself 20 requests daily. From China doll swindlers trying to do a quick kill, and elderly women expecting to hook up some single handsome rich men. Lol… lol… they are all snapped up long ago dear! Don’t expect handsome men to be monks for life ya?

As the register of marriages gets filled up, the probability of dating single handsome rich men dwindles by the day. Even for those who are not handsome, nor rich.

The reasons why singles remain singles at a mature age are many. Just as many as why leftovers remain leftovers. I am not saying there are no longer decent older men around up for grabs. But for those who remain single, many have fallen in, others have fallen out. To some, it is a choice they hold on to for life. And they won’t let go of that choice. Some value freedom, others, because they do not have freedom owing to family or financial obligations. But for the many who remained single, it is because they suffer from a lifetime of communication difficulties, emotional disconnection, apart from physical and mental anomalies.

If you are older, but still wanted to attract single handsome men, looks like you have to settle for those that were once married. So watch what you write and wish for on your dating profile. If you had never been short of request to chat, if you are older, chances are these men are all married.

Otherwise you will need to continuously spruce up your image, to compete with those China dolls when it comes to looks. Which most men are attracted to. I won’t lie to you. They are your benchmark. Many pretty married women got dumped and cheated by their straying husbands in search of China dolls, no matter how well they take care of themselves.

Sprucing up your looks may win you attention, but that will also earn you countless heartbreaks too. If men are attracted to you physically, you can bet they’ll say anything, including lying about their marriage, just to bed you. For those who are honest and good, are not many. There are, but not many.

The internet has opened up the Pandora’s box that made stray dogs out of men. But men being men, were all born strays. They are all born hunters since primitive ages. Since young, men were designed to make life uncomfortable and silly for everyone. And that’s the truth.

Conclusion- I deregister myself from the dating app for good. Because I have a weakness. I am sapiosexual. I can’t feed on just looks alone. That alone makes me yawn.”

This is Not your Father’s House!

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,

sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”

The Man says: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “$1,000.”

A few weeks later it happened again ,

and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have soccer boots.”

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”

The Boy says :”$5,000.”

The Man says: “Fine, I will buy them.”

A few days later, the Father says to the boy:

“Grab your ball and boots,

let’s go outside and have a game.”

The Boy says: “I can’t, I sold them for $ 6,000.”

The Father says: “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost.

I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your “SINS.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: “Dark in here.”

The Priest says: “Don’t start that shit again!”

THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER’S HOUSE !

(Author Unknown)

Three Balls

There was this man who had three balls. He kept it to himself for a long time, has no girlfriend because of his anxiety till one day he felt he needed to share his secret out to find relieve. And so he approached his good friend and said ” Look here, there’s something I really need to share with you. Between you and me, we have five balls. The friend looked at him surprised then say “You mean you only have one???”

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the kid reaches eighteen.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he asked her to simply mail him a postcard with the words ‘spaghetti’ written on the back.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey”, she said. “Today you received a very strange postcard.”

‘Oh really? Let me see!’ he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as the husband read what is written as he turned white, then fainted. On the postcard was written the words ‘Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’

(Author Unknown)

The First Time

An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time.

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender.

The guy on the left side ordered “Jack Daniels, Single.”

The guy on the right ordered “Johnnie Walker, Single.”

The bartender looked at the Indian lady and asked,

“And you?”

She replied, “Meenachi Shokalingam, Married.”

(Author Unknown)

Flagpole height

Two engineers employed by PAS was standing below a flagpole, looking up.*

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We are supposed to find out the height of the flagpole”, said one of them.

“But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.

She loosened a few bolts, the pole fell down.

She then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, “It’s eighteen feet, six inches”.

She then walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed.

Quietly he said to the first engineer.

He said, “We needed the height, but she gave us the length!”

They both laughed.

(By the way, both engineers are still working for the Kelantan Government.)

(Author Unknown)

One for the Money, Two for the Show.

Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

(Author Unknown)

Lost your sense of Smell

Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”

I replied: “He can smell she is ready. That’s how nature works.”

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: “How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?”

I replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”

We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: “This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready?”

I said: “Oh, yes; it’s nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.”

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: “Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19.”

Surprised, “Why do you say that?” I asked her.

She replied: “You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”

(Author Unknown)

Not in the Car??

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car…

“Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said… “These are your children sir..!”

(In the car were their Landlady’s two daughters, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, his secretary’s son and their neighbours two sons!)

The Wife in full anger said,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children..??”

The man asked her calmly…

“Then why are our children not in the car..??”

(Author unknown)

Arthur

Arthur is 85 years old. 

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.”

 

“Oh, no,” she replied.

 

Once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

 

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: “Why don’t

 

you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

 

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “George is ninety two. He can’t help.”

 

“He may be ninety two,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

 

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball ?”

 

“Of course I did !”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

 

“Where did it go ?” asks Arthur.

 

“Can’t remember.”

(Author Unknown)

5 Year Old Son After reading a Story About a King

Son: “Mom, I also want 3 wives.

One will cook for me, one will sing for me, one will bathe me!”

Mom: “And which one will you sleep with?”

Son: “No mom, I will still sleep beside you.”

<<Mom’s eyes welled up with tears.>>

“God bless you son!” Mom said.

But who will sleep with your 3 wives then?”

Son: “Let them sleep with daddy!”

<<Dad’s eyes then filled up with tears>>

“God bless you son!” Dad said.

(Author Unknown)

Christmas Tree

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father—‘ Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

Surprised father answered–

‘Well son, there are three kinds of boobs.

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.

Son– Onions?

Father— Yes, you see them and they make you cry.

This made his wife and daughter mad.

So the daughter said–Mom, how many kinds of ‘penises’ are there?

The mother smiled and answered– ‘

Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.

Daughter- A Christmas tree?

Mom-‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

(Author Unknown)

Adult Theme Jokes

To make it straight, she pulls it..

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

It’s hell of a job threading a needle!!!

.

.

4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower

Bleeding without getting hurt

Giving milk without eating grass

Making boneless meat hard.

.

.

What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’

It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

.

.

Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: You fool, it’s uncle. Papa never comes with raincoat!

.

.

A hubby said to his wife, ‘I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..’

The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

.

.

What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, ‘I would rather have 7 inches at1 time.

Not 1 inch 7 times.’

.

.

The vagina is the world’s best rehabilatation/correction center.

Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

.

.

A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattoed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, ‘There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.’

.

.

Lady was trying on a dress.

Husband: ‘Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!’

Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’

Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

.

.

(Author Unknown)

An Ancient Love Poem

(Someone copied this poem and made an atrocious ending to it thus making it very distasteful and offensive when it is meant to be just that, a beautiful lighthearted poem on making love. I encountered it in the 80s when I was a student in Singapore and managed to keep a copy of it which I posted it now. I don’t claim to be the author and I am not plagiarising it. I will give credit when due (please convince me ) because the author’s name was not on my copy, but certainly I am not going to acknowledge the one, a professor in the US shared. His version doesn’t even rhyme well or sound correct if I may be so bold to say)

This is as original as it sounds.

Adam & Eve, as everyone knows

Lived in a garden, without any clothes

And in the garden, there were two little leaves

One covered Adam, the other Eve

.

As the story goes, needless to say

Along came the wind, which blew them away

And the wondering sight, that made Adam stare

Was Eve’s rookie, all covered with hair

.

The night was calm, with a silvery moon

And soon they both found, a place to spoon

And the amazing sight, that met Eve’s eyes

Was Adam’s ‘thing’, as it started to rise

.

Adam thrust, with all his might

For his was big, and hers was small and tight

And forward and backward, he did stride

Till friction made Eve, all juicy inside

.

She jerks and moan, as he teases her darts

Her legs spread wider, as he pistons her tart

Then all of a sudden, Eve gave a loud shrill

As Adam’s ‘thing’, began to spill

.

Adam was so spent, but down Eve went

She sucks him wildly and devour his content

She made him twitch, and pleases him good

As Adam kept spurting, till he ran out of food

.

Three months later, all went well

Six months later, ‘What a swell!’

Nine months later, what a shock!

Out comes a baby, with a nine inch c’ck!

.

.

.

(Author Unknown)

Gynaecologist

Sitting at home with his wife, a man casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

He loses concentration for a split second and one peanut went inside his left ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeded only in forcing the thing in, awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to visit the hospital. On their way out, they meet their daughter with her boyfriend.

The Boyfriend took control of the situation.

He told them he’s studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks his two fingers down the man’s nose and asks him to blow.

Lo & Behold! The nut shot out from his ear and out across the room!

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get a drink , the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.

“So…..” the wife says, “What do you think he’d become after he finishes medicine school? A GP or a surgeon?”

“Well…..” said the man rubbing his nose, “By the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to become a gynaecologist.”

(Author Unknown)

Pedro

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, ‘Pedro! What is that?’

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, ‘Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.’

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

‘Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!’

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, ‘Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.’

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

‘Maria? *Now* what’s wrong???’

‘Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!

(Author Unknown)

Second Mistake

*Muthu’s* salary was *$2000.* One month he received *$2200* and he kept quiet. The following month he received *$1,800* and he went straight to the HR Manager to complain.

The HR manager asked why he did not complain the previous month.

Muthu replied *”l normally forgive the first mistake but when you make a second mistake l do not tolerate”*

(Author Unknown)

Goat died

A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide.

Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river.

However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, “If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I’ll resurrect your family.

However, if you fail to do that, I’ll eat you alive.”

The young boy agrees, and tries his best.

However, he soon gives up and the mermaid eats him.

At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead.

When he walks up to the river and sees his brother’s remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.

Grinning, he asks the mermaid, “What if you give up and died on me instead due to all that sex?”

Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies, ” You really think you can make love to me 20 times?”

Boy:

“How else do you think the goat died?”

(Author Unknown)

Over smart Doctors

A doctor opens his clinic & pasted this notice outside the door:

“Any sickness, Rm300. Any sickness we can’t treat, YOU get back Rm1000!

A confidence trickster on reading this came in. He was so confident he could rip this doctor off. He said to the doctor, “Doctor, my tongue just can’t taste anything!” The doctor asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine on his tongue from box no. 22. The man spontaneously shouts: “What d ___ …its URINE!!

The doctor says “Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now!” The man was dumbfounded as he loses Rm300.

Two weeks later he is back to seek revenge and claim back what he had lost.

“Doc, I’ve lost my memory!” he said. Again, the doctor told the nurse, “Nurse, could you please put a few drops of medicine from Box no 22 onto his tongue?” The confidence trickster jumps up before the nurse could do so and said “Wait doc! but that medicine is for my sense of taste!” “Very well” doctor said, “Your memory is back!”

Moral of the story: Don’t try to over-smart doctors…

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”

Wife: “No, he won’t.”

Friend: “How do you know?”

The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”

The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!

After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!

So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.

The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

(Author Unknown)