Adult Theme Jokes

To make it straight, she pulls it..

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

It’s hell of a job threading a needle!!!

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4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower

Bleeding without getting hurt

Giving milk without eating grass

Making boneless meat hard.

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What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’

It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

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Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: You fool, it’s uncle. Papa never comes with raincoat!

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A hubby said to his wife, ‘I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..’

The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

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What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, ‘I would rather have 7 inches at1 time.

Not 1 inch 7 times.’

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The vagina is the world’s best rehabilatation/correction center.

Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

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A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattoed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, ‘There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.’

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Lady was trying on a dress.

Husband: ‘Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!’

Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’

Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

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(Author Unknown)

An Ancient Love Poem

(Someone copied this poem and made an atrocious ending to it thus making it very distasteful and offensive when it is meant to be just that, a beautiful lighthearted poem on making love. I encountered it in the 80s when I was a student in Singapore and managed to keep a copy of it which I posted it now. I don’t claim to be the author and I am not plagiarising it. I will give credit when due (please convince me ) because the author’s name was not on my copy, but certainly I am not going to acknowledge the one, a professor in the US shared. His version doesn’t even rhyme well or sound correct if I may be so bold to say)

This is as original as it sounds.

Adam & Eve, as everyone knows

Lived in a garden, without any clothes

And in the garden, there were two little leaves

One covered Adam, the other Eve

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As the story goes, needless to say

Along came the wind, which blew them away

And the wondering sight, that made Adam stare

Was Eve’s rookie, all covered with hair

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The night was calm, with a silvery moon

And soon they both found, a place to spoon

And the amazing sight, that met Eve’s eyes

Was Adam’s ‘thing’, as it started to rise

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Adam thrust, with all his might

For his was big, and hers was small and tight

And forward and backward, he did stride

Till friction made Eve, all juicy inside

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She jerks and moan, as he teases her darts

Her legs spread wider, as he pistons her tart

Then all of a sudden, Eve gave a loud shrill

As Adam’s ‘thing’, began to spill

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Adam was so spent, but down Eve went

She sucks him wildly and devour his content

She made him twitch, and pleases him good

As Adam kept spurting, till he ran out of food

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Three months later, all went well

Six months later, ‘What a swell!’

Nine months later, what a shock!

Out comes a baby, with a nine inch c’ck!

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(Author Unknown)

Gynaecologist

Sitting at home with his wife, a man casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

He loses concentration for a split second and one peanut went inside his left ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeded only in forcing the thing in, awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to visit the hospital. On their way out, they meet their daughter with her boyfriend.

The Boyfriend took control of the situation.

He told them he’s studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks his two fingers down the man’s nose and asks him to blow.

Lo & Behold! The nut shot out from his ear and out across the room!

As the daughter and her boyfriend went to the kitchen to get a drink , the man and his wife sat down to discuss their luck.

“So…..” the wife says, “What do you think he’d become after he finishes medicine school? A GP or a surgeon?”

“Well…..” said the man rubbing his nose, “By the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to become a gynaecologist.”

(Author Unknown)

Pedro

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, ‘Pedro! What is that?’

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, ‘Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.’

And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

‘Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!’

Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, ‘Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.’

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

‘Maria? *Now* what’s wrong???’

‘Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!

(Author Unknown)

What Women Wants

Seven (7) doors to her heart.

Some say five (5).

There had been disputes concerning ways to win a women to your side.

Here’s mine.

Attention

Attention is being aware of others, besides ourselves, and being the focus of someone’s loving attention. Every woman needs someone who is there to listen to their deepest feelings and needs, and understands her intentions, and fears. Every woman needs that kind of attention to thrive, to be the best they can be. It shows that you care and want her to be around.

Admiration

Admiration is why she grooms herself daily and spends substantial time and savings on skin care and clothes, to look magical to you. When she is constantly admired, she can feel your undivided presence which affirms her self worth, boosts her esteem, and gives her self confidence. It allays her fears and insecurity and warms herself up to you.

Acceptance

In order to be intimate, woman needs to feel safe, accepted, relaxed, and worthy. Trying to challenge her good sense, oppose or challenge her, will not win you love, respect, or understanding. If you accept her for who she is, it means that you are seeing the truth in her within your relationship. That will calm her and give her a sense of stability and safety. It makes her feel homey as she welcomes you into her life and her inner thoughts.

Appreciation

Appreciating her efforts makes her feel good about herself and increases the chances of her love connection with you. Showing her gratitude and validating her efforts reinforces your good relationship. That she knows she can be of help in times of need and contribute to your well being. Women cares when they are in love. Not knowing when to reciprocate her thoughtfulness by showing her appreciation makes her feel rejected.

Affection

As humans, we all need emotional, spiritual and physical affection. It requires some direct behaviors that show us the proof of these things. Affection is often a code word for sex but oftentimes, there can be sex just by being attentive, unexpectedly hugging her from behind, showering her with surprise gifts, sending note cards, dropping her a line when you are busy, these are some keys that makes her feel wanted.

Allowing

Allowing means letting her be who she is, and not trying to control her, change her, cage her, or force her into a mould she finds irrational, intolerable or humiliating. Allowing is the essence of unconditional love. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t set limits in your relationship with her. You can. But setting limits is done to protect your relationship and yourself; whereas controlling is making her do what you want. Acceptance doesn’t make sense without allowing.

Affirmation

Affirming is to express agreement with, or commitment to uphold and support her thoughts and ideas, or her words or actions. To agree or concur with her gives her the emotional support and encouragement she needs, that what she does is all correct.

I stand open to be corrected. But try not to be abusive with your language.

(Author Unknown)

Second Mistake

*Muthu’s* salary was *$2000.* One month he received *$2200* and he kept quiet. The following month he received *$1,800* and he went straight to the HR Manager to complain.

The HR manager asked why he did not complain the previous month.

Muthu replied *”l normally forgive the first mistake but when you make a second mistake l do not tolerate”*

(Author Unknown)

Goat died

A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide.

Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river.

However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, “If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I’ll resurrect your family.

However, if you fail to do that, I’ll eat you alive.”

The young boy agrees, and tries his best.

However, he soon gives up and the mermaid eats him.

At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead.

When he walks up to the river and sees his brother’s remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.

Grinning, he asks the mermaid, “What if you give up and died on me instead due to all that sex?”

Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies, ” You really think you can make love to me 20 times?”

Boy:

“How else do you think the goat died?”

(Author Unknown)

Over smart Doctors

A doctor opens his clinic & pasted this notice outside the door:

“Any sickness, Rm300. Any sickness we can’t treat, YOU get back Rm1000!

A confidence trickster on reading this came in. He was so confident he could rip this doctor off. He said to the doctor, “Doctor, my tongue just can’t taste anything!” The doctor asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine on his tongue from box no. 22. The man spontaneously shouts: “What d ___ …its URINE!!

The doctor says “Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now!” The man was dumbfounded as he loses Rm300.

Two weeks later he is back to seek revenge and claim back what he had lost.

“Doc, I’ve lost my memory!” he said. Again, the doctor told the nurse, “Nurse, could you please put a few drops of medicine from Box no 22 onto his tongue?” The confidence trickster jumps up before the nurse could do so and said “Wait doc! but that medicine is for my sense of taste!” “Very well” doctor said, “Your memory is back!”

Moral of the story: Don’t try to over-smart doctors…

(Author Unknown)

Scoreboard

A wife decided to play truant with her husband’s friend while her husband was fast asleep drunk. The friend was naturally worried because her husband is just lying next to them so he whispered into her ears “You think he’d wake up?”

Wife: “No, he won’t.”

Friend: “How do you know?”

The wife unzips her husband’s fly, pulled off one single pubic hair from the husband’s groin and say “See? I told you!”

The friend grinned and soon they were mooning away like buffaloes in heat!

After the first bout, the friend was again aroused. To convince themselves that her drunk husband is still asleep, again she did the same pubic hair trick for the second time. Well are they in luck or what? He is motionless!!

So for the second time there were moans and groans and fireworks until ecstasy overcame both of them.

The wife now being set aflame demanded for the third fling. Boy oh boy are they in the mood as the friend elbowed her to repeat the same insane act on her husband. Both went giggling with their hands covering their mouth. As she puts her fingers in fiddling with the husband’s fly, her enraged husband suddenly turned around and say, “Look, I don’t care how many times you guys wanted to fcuk each other but please stop using my pubic hair as your scoreboard!!!”

(Author Unknown)

Airplane Glue

Norman and Barry got married in California.

They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,

he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, ‘No’.

Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’

Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ‘

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Norman and Barry up yet?’

His mom says, ‘No.’

He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘OK, now tell me what you think.’

He says: ‘Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’

(Author Unknown)

Sister in law

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn’t overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said.

“If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold! My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, ‘Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son..’

… Well the moral of this story is:

“Always keep your condoms in your car”.

(Author Unknown)

Husband Shopping Center

A Husband Shopping Center just opened where women could just walked in and pick up a husband from amongst the many available there. It is laid out in five floors, each floor categorized with men of different attributes. However, there is one catch. If you do not choose a man from that floor, but wishes to ascend higher to try your luck, you cannot descend again except to exit the building. One woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the signboard says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. ‘Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?’

So up she goes.

The second floor signage says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

‘Hmm better.’ says the woman. ‘But, I wonder what’s further up?’

The third floor signage reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and helps with the housework.

‘Wow!,’ says the woman, ‘Very tempting. BUT, there must be better ones further up!’

So again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the signage reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, helps with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

‘Oh, mercy me! But just think…what must be awaiting me on the last floor?

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The signage on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

(Author Unknown)

Ramasamy

Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will. His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.

“So”, he says to them:

“Lingam, I want you to take over the Jalan Duta houses…”

“Saraswathy, take over the apartments in Kota Damansara Place…”

“Jega, I want you to take over the offices in KL Sentral.”

“Letchumi, my dear wife, you can take over all the residential buildings in Bangsar.”

The nurse is amazed by all this, and as Ramasamy passes away, she says, “Mrs. Letchumi, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to be able to own all these properties.”

Letchumi replied, “Nonono! He delivers newspapers to all these places & now we have to take over and deliver newspapers to all these places lah…”

(Author Unknown )

Lone Ranger

Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

“What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

“You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole our tent.”

(Author Unknown)

Overcoming Grief

Grief is a state of loss. An emotional upheaval that one feels beit over a divorce, loss of job, death of a loved one. It manifests in 7 stages, some experts argued 5- but it all depends on our equilibrium, our attachment to that party, the circumstances that brought about the loss, and the severity inflicted by the tragedy. The various stages are sequential but rubbery, with no affixed period, and an aggrieved party may sail across, mixing up or skipping some stages in between, and recover in no time at all. The 7 stages are: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and finally, acceptance. But to ride through grief, one must know firstly how grief happens.

Religion has been the pinnacle of mankind. It is responsible for our lifestyle, the constant unrest between nations, civic consciousness, moral conduct and governance. It shapes us to become who and what we are today. However, what most people overlooked is the well known mantra of ‘Giving more so that one could receive.’ An extreme example would be “If anyone slaps you on your right cheek, offer him your left also.” Deep, mysterious parable that is. But a powerful one. That is another topic of discussion altogether.

Giving is an act of love, and giving begins with one being emphatic, generous, happy, caring, or simply, being dutiful. No one will give to their enemies where love doesn’t co-exist. And the more you love someone, the more you will give.

But taking or receiving is inevitable. Taking begins with the suckling of our mothers breasts, till one receives education, and finally when one is fit to take on the world. That dependence comes from one’s natural parents, guardians or sponsors. It is this constant state of receiving that one can mistakenly inherit the dogma of entitlement, thus quite often, a receiver will never know when to give back. Even after they grow into successful adults. Sometimes they defer their plans, others went chasing after rainbows. As a result, their caregivers are neglected because giving is not reciprocated. Until that fateful moment of loss arrives.

The receiver is then confronted with guilt, regret, denial , blaming oneself, the “ifs” I were to do this and that, the longing to do more which they did not initiate when their loved ones is still alive, because there exists an imbalance between giving and receiving. If one would have given enough or more than one receives, grief is short lived. But that is a natural frailty of man. To put off affirmations, praises, visits, giving of gifts. All these can be taught, but never will they ever be fully executed.

But managing grief is entirely different. The rites encountered in certain religions helps the aggrieved to let go. They are the hidden gems subtly designed with human emotions in mind. This if one could afford to, a full rite is better than half-baked ones. The action of burning incense is letting go, the serving of meals and drinks and the giving away of sweets to well wishers is letting go, the throwing of gluttonous rice, the offering of candles, the placing of wreathes and flowers on the casket, the singing of hymns, the shouting of mantras, the placing of bones into urns, throwing flowers into the pit, these rituals were all designed with giving in mind. If one couldn’t afford to, the giving away of the deceased possessions to the poor and underprivileged is another way of letting go. And when one gives, one will gradually let go. And the more one let go, the natural progression lightens our heart to recovery.

So it is right to say that hidden beneath all religions, beit right or wrong, our forefathers whom has designed all these sacred rites and mantras had us in mind. To help us heal.

Something Deadlier?

This Pandemic is mild. Its death rate, tiny. But it spreads quick, and its effects on our lungs, can lead to disastrous complications. Because of that, earthlings began to observe newer habits, just to avoid contacting it. Still, there are many superheroes out there whose ears still hear nothing, and their freedom, not negotiable. If the world could come together, and endure a 30 days total lockdown in every corner of our world , something like an ‘Earth Hour’, can we overcome the problems all at once? Let’s named it ‘COVID 30’. But can UN unite with WHO and world leaders to have an EGM to agree on this common fight? And stop the fattening of wallets of hand sanitizers and face mask producers so we could unmask ourselves again?

Let us imagine, what if something deadlier is concocted into our atmosphere in the near future, whilst this pandemic remains. But one that is not as easily shirked off. Isn’t that a confirmation that biological and chemical warfare is out there blooming now? With viruses coded to attack specifically only on the organs it was programmed or designed to attack?

Because of that, scientists should focus on developing tablets or aerosol sprays that when consumed or applied, seeps into our skin and forms a protective sheen rather than wasting enormous budgets on developing defence and iron domes that can only deflect weapons, but still renders humanoids helpless to vulnerable chemicals and viruses? Wouldn’t that be better than zipping ourselves in two inches thick suits when the real defence is only concentrated between our noses, eyes, mouth and our skin?

Think about it.

Casting out Charm

To know if a person is charmed (In Hokkien’Tiok Kong Thau’), experienced mediums or deliverers will look into the victims pupil and observe its dilation and sheen.

To confirm his suspicion , he will make the suspect crawl under fishing nets left basking at the beach during sunrise or make him cross a river. For it was said that evil spirits wouldn’t cross a river or sea, and so are charms.

For if a person can do that with ease, that means he/she is not suffering from some kind of charm or possession. Evil spirits will also get themselves trapped in the net and so are charms, therefore the possessed will refuse to crawl beneath them. That is the reason why fishing nets has always been part of the accoutrement found above door entrances in shophouses, besides the more popular pakua ‘Eight trigrams’ used in Taoist rituals that has a curve mirror smacked in the centre of it.

If a person is found charmed, the medium or bomoh will first search for the ‘opening’, a gateway where the charm enters from, and then determine the origin of the charm inflicting him. That opening is usually an object left in the garden or main door of the home of that person charmed. Without that gateway, the charm cannot enter the home and attack the person. Evil spirits can also enter homes through other means, like sneaking under umbrellas for instance, which is also another reason why locals shun carrying open umbrellas when they enter into their own houses at night, whilst our fellow Malay friends washes their feet before entering.

The openings or gateway are usually claypots wrapped in cloth left perched in between branches of a tree. Inside the pot, depending on the severity of the infliction, were found rusty nails, amongst other things. The colour of the cloth will also determine where the charm originates from. That will direct the medium to the source if he needs to seek aid, if the charm is too powerful hence refuses to leave that person. A yellow cloth is left by a Chinese shaman, the red, by the Thais, and the black, the Malays. So it was believed that the most fearful charms comes from the Thais.

When they are found, the medium will then perform some incantations, climb up the tree, and dislodge it by the kick of his feet. The act of kicking or knocking it down with the feet is sacred, for if hands were used, the charm will also enter the medium when he picks it up. Other than football, our feet cannot pick up things.

Hence the old wives tale of shunning the idea of picking up things left on the roadside not meant for you.

I Nearly Died

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating durians. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small stall and the odor of durians was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the stall and before I knew it, I had consumed three large fruits. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The durians I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like half a ton of dried salted fish.

I fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking garbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

‘Happy Birthday!’!!

I nearly died!!!

(Author Unknown)

Phenomena of the Rising Tide.

The only real solution to this flood problem is elevating all low lying terrains much higher above the highest recorded flood level of that area as well as replacing and elevating all our existing drains and culverts. Something Singapore did many many years ago with some areas being forced to landfill to as much as two meters higher than the existing road level. As Penangites, we must readily admit that flooding not only occurs during heavy rain, but also whenever a high tide occurs. It so happens that nowadays, a phenomena like a high tide actually raises our sea level to meet the level of our existing drains therefore the backflow. The seawater gushes in while at the same time rainwater wanted to gush out, both looking for an outlet thus they collide. And it is not because Francis light and his entire entourage intended it to be this way but because global warming has drastically raised the sea level, the same reason why all our sandy beaches are being eaten up slowly by the sea from Gurney Drive till Batu Feringghi and beyond. And it is not about leaves and rubbish clogging the drains as some would like to blame it on. I’m just revisiting architecture in all its common sense glory.”

Kris Lee 2018.

“But herein lies a bigger problem. Global warming has eaten up most lands surrounding our archipelago. It was claimed that Java itself will lose 50 percent of its land mass within 50 years. And Singapore has built and already tested its billion dollars tide arresting mechanism.

Sophisticated embankments to flush out the phenomenon of the rising tides needs immediate attention unless roads, residential houses and massive buildings sacrifices one storey each of their podium for refill. Is that possible? Yes it is. But where can we find the sand needed?

Over in our country, certain states has an annual flood scare during the monsoon season. And all the government cares about is to allow for stilt houses and sampans for the last fifty years. Seems to me that we are going to be another Venice in fifty years if our annual budget consistently goes to the building of faith rather than building embankments of hope.”

– Kris Lee 2020.

Flooding in Penang

The only real solution to this flood problem is elevating all low lying terrains much higher above the highest recorded flood level of that area as well as replacing and elevating all our existing drains and culverts. Something Singapore did many many years ago with some areas being forced to landfill to as much as two meters higher than the existing road level. As Penangites, we must readily admit that flooding not only occurs during heavy rain, but also whenever a high tide occurs. It so happens that nowadays, a phenomenon like a high tide actually raises our sea level to meet the level of our existing drains therefore the backflow. The seawater gushes in while at the same time rainwater wanted to gush out, both looking for an outlet this they collide. And it is not because Francis light and his entire entourage intended it to be this way but because global warming has drastically raised the sea level, the same reason why all our sandy beaches are being eaten up slowly by the sea from Gurney Drive till Batu Feringghi and beyond. And it is not about leaves and rubbish clogging the drains as some would like to blame it on. I’m just revisiting architecture in all its common sense glory.

Trump or Biden

“The US presidential election matters to the whole world. Because they’re ruthlessly still is the world’s largest economy. Their foreign direct investment policy dictates how the world moves and run. Trump is poor in that. That wall he wants to build is a bloop. Deporting foreigners is again a bloop. But a large fraction still believes in him. America chose him then, because all Barack did was talk, talk and talk. Also, there were no other candidates left to choose from. After Trump’s win, Barack craftily shifts the blame to Trump to distract others for his non performance. If Biden wins, it is not a triumph for Obama. But Obama will certainly ride on it. And Biden will have lots of shit to wipe. Biden needs to win back the trust from the whole world. Right now, democracy doesn’t work for the US. The republic system is better. But they can give Trump a miss. I can give Trump a point for what he has made himself to be. But certainly not as president and certainly not on foreign policy. In foreign policy, Clinton is still by far the better one.

America can certainly afford a fresh face.”

My two cents.”

Tackling Covid-19

Stop getting concern and anxious over all the news circulating online. That won’t help eliminate the virus. Neither is you daily activity or inactivity. Rather, practicing good habits does. Wash hands regularly, wear masks, social distance yourself.

The infected needs to be quarantined. Not you and me. Life must go on as usual, but don’t forget our good habits. If we begin turning our daily activity into inactivity, first, the streets will go dead. Then the economy will go bust. When that happens, starvation will kill you faster than the virus could.

If we are asked to clock in, we must be required to clock out also. Otherwise each time a bloke is called in because he is tested positive, everyone everywhere he made an appearance at needs to be called in. Isn’t that silly? Imagine the whole shopping center crowd including sales assistants or a full running hospital needs to be called in?

You waste precious time contact tracing, and you waste doctors and nurses man hours besides tests kits. So much for my beloved government . How our government comes out with the Covid case numbers to warrant a lockdown is beyond me. However what is not beyond me is that the number of cases reported daily spikes way beyond what is circulated online amongst my friends.

Mysejahtera

“When someone is infected, the gaffmen only needs to refer to the data on the whereabouts as compiled by mysejahtera app. Discourage physical sign in and discourage other contact tracing apps. That way, you are in control. That way, you don’t need to waste precious time interviewing those whom are tested positive. Let mysejahtera be the only contact tracing source for everybody. If you can’t control this, stop convincing us that you can run this country. Clearly you can’t. When the figures are rising. Not unless you want to justify the need to call for an emergency to proof our king wrong. That is mischievous.”

– Kris Lee 2020.

Game of Kalituay

  • Kalituay is a home grown game, fun and lively, played between two opposing teams. It’s origin can be disputed, but it has been played both in the kampongs as well as the city.

It demands the players to be agile with their eyes, swift with their reach, yet nimble on their legs and to win, and the running team should not be caught by the catching team.

The running team must compromise through each of the compartments from line 1 till line 4 and back to line 1 without being caught, hit, touched or slapped by anyone from the catching team.

A perfect run through scores 4 points for the running team. And deducted accordingly if one or more members are caught.

There are three sets for each opposing team, taking turns to be the runner as well as the catcher, and the team that scores highest in the run through without being caught wins the game.

Usually the court size will determine the number of people needed on one team and on a normal scale, a badminton court is ideal with each player from the catching side standing on lines 1,2,3 and 4 as guards. Only the player standing on line 1 is allowed to run up and down the spine and catch, touch, hit or slap any unsuspecting runner that lingers on its spine.

The game begins with both sides getting ready and one runner and the first catcher slapping their palms.

A referee can be appointed to dispute a hit.

(Image outsourced without permission)

Normalcy to return?

“It is coming to year end.

What most businesses anticipated, that normalcy will return, is clinging on to false hope. Except for businesses that deals with essentials, rental demands cannot cope with the rate of drop in sales, with most abandoning ship to cut losses, many resorting to online platforms. Thus landlords suffer and so are the lenders. That became the new norm. But can those in the non essential businesses, from f&b to travel, to accommodation, to sports, to ego pleasing and the pleasure industry, and many more survives this?

The sad truth is that the new normal already seeped into our lives long ago, when men went a-chasing for success and power, through greed and negligence. And forces the world to its knees, like an injured boxer, succumbing blow after blow, to its slip shot policies thus, the fatal knocks of 911, SARS, Fukushima, and now Covid-19. Where-forth thou is love, kindness, generosity, righteousness, goodness and empathy if one may ask?

They are at the ringside babe! They are at the ringside! Helping the boxer regain his strength with momentous fixes, while praying he will last till the end- instead of succumbing to a knockout…”

How much are you giving?

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped a bus load of politicians, and *they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.*

“Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations”.

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks…

The man replies, *”Roughly 2 litres.”

(Author Unknown)

This Student failed his Exam

(This student failed his exam.)

Is it logical? Let’s look at his answers and determine it for ourselves..

*Q1: IN WHICH BATTLE DID NAPOLEON DIE?*

“`HIS LAST BATTLE.“`

*Q2: WHERE WAS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE SIGNED?*

“`AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.“`

*Q3: RIVER RAVI FLOWS IN WHICH STATE?*

“`LIQUID.“`

*Q4: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR DIVORCE?*

“`MARRIAGE.“`

*Q5: WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON FOR FAILURE?*

“`EXAMS.“`

*Q6: WHAT CAN YOU NEVER EAT FOR BREAKFAST?*

“`LUNCH & DINNER.“`

*Q7: WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF AN APPLE?*

“`THE OTHER HALF.“`

*Q8: IF YOU THROW A RED STONE INTO THE BLUE SEA WHAT WILL IT BECOME?*

“`WET.“`

*Q9: HOW CAN A MAN GO EIGHT DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING?*

“`NO PROBLEM, HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT.“`

*Q10: HOW CAN YOU LIFT AN ELEPHANT WITH ONE HAND?*

“`YOU WILL NEVER FIND AN ELEPHANT THAT HAS ONE HAND“`

*Q11: IF YOU HAD THREE APPLES AND FOUR ORANGES IN ONE HAND AND FOUR APPLES AND THREE ORANGES IN OTHER HAND, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?*

“`VERY LARGE HANDS“`

*Q12: IF IT TOOK EIGHT MEN TEN HOURS TO BUILD A WALL, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE FOUR MEN TO BUILD IT?*

“`NO TIME AT ALL, THE WALL IS ALREADY BUILT“`

*Q13: HOW CAN YOU DROP A RAW EGG ONTO A CONCRETE FLOOR WITHOUT CRACKING IT?*

“`ANY WAY YOU WANT, CONCRETE FLOORS ARE VERY HARD TO CRACK.“`

(Author Unknown)

Barbeque

Men organising a BBQ on Whatsapp…..

* Man 1: * Hey guys, when are we going to have a bbq?

* Man 2: * Thursday at 8 pm at the “Man 9” house

* Man 1: * Okay, what do we take?

* Man 9: * I buy the meat and drinks, then we split.

* Man 5: * Ok

* Man 1: * Ok

* Man 3: * Ok

* Man 2: * Ok

* Man 4: * Ok

* Man 6: * Ok

* Man 7: * Ok

* Man 8: * Ok

* Man 10: * Ok

* Man 11: * Ok

* Man 12: * Ok

* Man 13: * Ok

* Man 14: * Ok

* Man 15: * Ok

*END OF CONVERSATION*

WOMEN organizing BBQ on WhatsApp

* Woman 1: * Hi guys, when are we going to meet and have a bbq?

* Woman 2: * Thursday at 8 pm?

* Woman 3: * Where?

* Woman 2: * I don’t know

* Woman 4: * Where girls?

* Woman 4: * If you want you can come to Mom’s house

* Woman 2: * Wouldn’t it be better to go to a restaurant?

* Woman 5: * No, in a house it’s better, so we don’t spend so much and we have more time

* Woman 2: * Ok by me

* Woman 3: * Ok

* Woman 5: * Ok

* Woman 4: * Ok

* Woman 6: * Okay what? Restaurant or home?

* Woman 2: * House

* Woman 7: * Restaurant

* Woman 2: * Let’s go to Woman 4’s house then

* Woman 3: * Okay, what do we take?

* Woman 8: * Does anyone know how to bbq?

* Woman 2: * I’m excited 👏🏻👏🏻

* Woman 6: * What will we buy?

* Woman 2: * Let’s make a list

* Woman 8: * Ok

* Woman 4: * A little meat and salad, what do you think?

* Woman 5: * Well I’m on a diet so I’m going to eat only lettuce and tomatoes

* Woman 2: * Okay, then?

* Woman 1: * I’ll make a list and each one says what they can bring

* Woman 2: * Greek salad

* Woman 3: * Quinoa

* Woman 4: * Sausage and potatoes

* Woman 5: * Lettuce, tomato and some vegetables for another salad

* Woman 1: * Okay, how much?

* Woman 6: * I don’t know

* Woman 2: * 5 sausages?

* Woman 2: * Who eats sausage?

* Woman 2: * I don’t

* Woman 5: * I don’t

* Woman 7: * I don’t

* Woman 3: * I don’t

* Woman 4: * I don’t

* Woman 8: * I don’t

* Woman 1: * Okay, I won’t buy sausage then

* Woman 2: * But you, Woman 4, why did you say you were going to buy sausage if you don’t eat it?

* Woman 4: * Because I had put myself in the shoes of someone who eats sausage

* Woman 1: * Ok, no sausage then

* Woman 1: * Sosaties and steak, 1 kilo and 1 kilo, okay?

* Woman 7: * It seems little

* Woman 1: * How much then?

* Woman 2: * I don’t know

* Woman 2: * Girls? What do you think?

* Woman 8: * I think it’s half a kilo per person

* Woman 4: * How many are we?

* Woman 1: * I don’t know. Girls, confirm who’s going

* Woman 2: * I will

* Woman 3: * I will

* Woman 5: * I will

* Woman 6: * I will

* Woman 7: * I will

* Woman 8: * I will

* Woman 9: * I will

* Woman 10: * I will

* Woman 11: * I will

* Woman 4: * When is it?

* Woman 2: * Thursday?

* Woman 4: * I can’t, I have a doctor’s appt

* Woman 2: * What bad luck, we dpn’t have a venue for the braai then?

* Woman 4: * Sorry girls, the reminder for this appointment just rang

* Woman 1: * What other house is available?

* Woman 8: * How many are we?

* Woman 2: * 10

* Woman 3: * It doesn’t fit in my house

* Woman 5: * Not mine either

* Woman 6: * Not mine either

* Woman 7: * Much less in mine

* Woman 8: * Not mine either

* Woman 9: * Not mine either

* Woman 10: * In mine it may… but I need chairs, can someone bring?

* Woman 2: * Woman 11 has a chair rental shop, she can take

* Woman 5: * But she doesn’t answer, she must be working

* Woman 9: * I don’t eat sausage

* Woman 2: * We still need to find a venue

* Woman 12: * Sorry girls, I just got on the phone, what happened?

* Woman 2: * We are still looking for a venue

* Woman 12: * Come to my house, no stress

* Woman 2: * Ok, excellent

* Woman 12: * Wait … what day?

* Woman 2: * Thursday at 8 pm

* Woman 12: * Huummmmm that complicates things … can it be on Wednesday?

* Woman 2: * Fine by me

* Woman 2: * Same time?

* Woman 2: * Yes?

* Woman 3: * I will

* Woman 4: * I will

* Woman 5: * I have to take Gabi to her grandmother’s house, but I can go later after she falls asleep

* Woman 8: * Okay.

* Woman 9: * I will

* Woman 6: * I will

* Woman 7: * I will

* Woman 11: * I will

* Woman 2: * Done, Wednesday at the home of Woman 12.

* Woman 3: * Yes

* Woman 1: * Girls, coming back to the braai.. do I buy half a kilo per person?

* Woman 8: * Yes

* Woman 1: * Ok, so I’ll ask Pieter to buy

* Woman 2: * Ok… and what will we do about drinks?

* Woman 3: * Each one takes whatever they drink and that’s it

* Woman 9: * I can’t because I go straight from work

* Woman 6: * Well, Woman 1 better buy everything and split up later

* Woman 1: * Girls, I can’t buy everything, does anyone give me a hand?

* Woman 6: * I’ll help, what do you drink girls?

* Woman 2: * Coke Zero

* Woman 4: * Water

* Woman 5: * Natural juice

* Woman 6: * Sparkling water

* Woman 9: * Aloe water

* Woman 3: * Girls, can we buy Peach Iced tea?

* Woman 8: * Let’s go to a restaurant girls,that’s less effort

* Woman 2: * I think so too

* Woman 4: * Me too

* Woman 6: * Me too

* Woman 7: * Me too

* Woman 9: * Me too

* Woman 11: * Me too

* Woman 12: * Me too

* Woman 1: * Ahhh no girls, I already sent Pieter to buy everything, we have to bbq

* Woman 2: * Uhh crap…

* Woman 4: * I want water, but it has to be Bonaqua that has less sodium, so I don’t get bloated

* Woman 1: * Girls, can we organize please ?????

* Woman 2: * Ok

* Woman 6: * Ok

* Woman 4: * Ok

* Woman 9: * Ok

* Woman 5: * Ok

* Woman 8: * Ok

* Woman 11: * I don’t eat sausage either

* Woman 5: * (sending a chain) Girls… please share… The dog is called BOB… he got lost yesterday near the station, if everyone works together we can find him and get him bacl to his owners… They must be worried sick!

* Woman 6: * Yes, poor BOB

* Woman 9: * BOB is beautiful!! What breed is he?

* Woman 5: * I don’t know … got this on my yoga group

* Woman 2: * But do you know the owners?

* Woman 5: * No, but I felt sorry for BOB

* Woman 1: * Pieter called me from the butcher shop saying they don’t have steak, what else should we get?

* Woman 2: * I prefer chorizo steak

* Woman 4: * Me too

* Woman 1: * Girls, we can decide right away because Pieter is going to kill me, he’s at the butcher shop waiting for us to decide

* Woman 6: * I think it is unfair to always be like this, we are always the same ones that organize everything and nobody else is moved to do anything

* Woman 10: * Hi girls, I just woke up and I have 369 messages in our group, what happened??

* Woman 3: * I’ll tell you………….

(Author Unknown)