My dad used to put his thumb print on my report card …

I asked him:

Being a Chartered Accountant, why are you putting your thumb print, instead of signing on my report card?

My dad replied:

Idiot, after looking at your marks, the teacher should not think that I am educated!!

(Author Unknown)

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charges £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts.

The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received £15000.

She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt.

Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Edinburgh.”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said.

”Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver you £15,000 inheritance in person.”

(Author Unknown)

Present Economy of Malaysia

*Employee*: *Boss, from tomorrow, I will go home at 6 pm sharp daily.*

*Boss*: *Why, what happened ?*

*Employee*: *Sir my Salary is not sufficient for me. I want to drive grab at night. I have to support my family.*

*Boss*: Ok. Go ahead . But, if you feel hungry at night, come to Bukit Bintang.

Employee : Why Sir ?

Boss: *I sell satay there*

(Author Unknown)

Lack of Vocabulary

A Priest used to keep chickens at his church.

One Evening , one cock from his lot went missing.

So, at evening mass, he asked : “Who has a Cock?”

All MEN got up!

Priest : “No no, I mean, who has seen a cock?”

All WOMEN got up!

Priest : ” No No , I Mean , who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”

Half the WOMEN Got up!

Priest : “For Heavens sake , who has seen my cock?”

*All NUNS got up!”

(Author Unknown)

Toilet paper please?

A Chinaman goes shopping in a supermarket in U.S.

He sees a promotion for cat food and picks a dozen cans.

The racist white manager who thinks Asians are uncivilized gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to show him his cat before he would let him buy cat food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a cat. He is allowed to buy the cat food.

The following week the Chinaman finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food.

The manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he can’t be having a dog and will probably feed dog food to his kids.

He asks the Chinaman to show him the dog before he would let him buy dog food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a dog and he gets to buy the dog food.

The following week, the Chinaman comes to the supermarket again, this time with a plastic bag.

He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing soft, wet and sticky and immediately pulls his hand out.

He shouts at the Chinaman, “What the hell… this is shit!”

The Chinaman calmly replies, “Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper please?”

(Author Unknown)

Why don’t we give it a try?

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.

She asks him: *”Hey old man, why don’t we give it a try?”*

He says: *”No girl, it is no longer possible for me.”*

Says the hooker: *”Come on, what have you to lose, we can give it a try!?”*

They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.

*”Oh my goodness”,* says the hooker, breathless, *”and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”*

Says the old man: *”Oh, screwing is still going well, it’s the paying that is no longer possible!!..”

(Author Unknown)

Christian Dog

A dog died and the owner took it to a Pastor. He asked the Pastor if he could organise a funeral service for the dead animal.

Pastor : No, we can’t hold a service for your dog in our church but there is a church down the street, maybe they will do it for you.

Man : But Pastor, will that church accept a donation of $1million??

The Pastor shouted, “O Lord ! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was a Christian ?

(Author Unknown)